Living Among the Poor

I read a lot. Yeah, we all know that. When I finish a book, I want to feel inspired to live a life more fully surrendered. That is almost solely why I read. I also love to learn. However, I don’t read to escape…I love my life and don’t feel a need to go somewhere else. So when I finish a book and I’m left with questions to ponder and felt an obvious encounter with God during the book, I consider it worth every minute I spent in it.

I just finished one such book titled The Prison Angel.

Mother Antonia left a wealthy lifestyle in Beverly Hills to live in La Mesa penitentiary in Tijuana, Mexico. She was twice divorced and had seven children. All her life she felt a pull to help the poor always feeling unsettled throughout both marriages, running the family business after the death of her father and raising all her children. Finally, when she had one child left in the house, she began to make her permanent move to Mexico even adjusting the life of her son to accommodate. She had to answer the call.

The book inspired me on so many levels. Mother Antonia was not blessed by the Catholic Church initially, but that didn’t stop her from sewing her own habit and going to serve God. She lived in a 10x10 cell and took cold showers just like the inmates. She truly lived among them and changed countless lives. They grew to love her and affectionately called her Madre.

One of her expressions was that in everything you do, you either add to the beauty of the world or take away from it. She is so right. I meditated on that this week. I have to make choices and each choice leads me to Him or away from Him. All true beauty comes from Him, so the closer I am to God, the more His beauty can shine through me.

So I began to reflect on several questions:

1. If my church did not support my call, would I still go?
2. Would I put my precious Jesus above even that of my boys? Would I adjust my life and theirs so I could take a step in obedience regardless of the sacrifice?
3. Could I truly live among the poor? How attached am I to my material stuff?
4. Am I adding to the beauty of the world?

I am duly inspired! And duly challenged!

Experiencing God

I'm working through a Bible study called Experiencing God for the second time. It's the most powerful study I've ever done. Very insightful and deeply moving concepts about how to experience God in a way I've never known. It's rich in Scripture to support the tenets.

The particular spiritual reality that I've meditated on and put into action recently is the idea that an encounter with God is not to be taken lightly. Of course, most would agree, but that's often what I do. He speaks to me through His Word and I am touched, but don't meditate on what He is trying to reveal to me until it comes to pass. This is key.

Three weeks ago, God laid it on my heart to really live out the fruits of the Spirit. So I thought of my Bible study and decided, I needed to focus on each fruit over the next nine weeks. I'm in week four. It's been very refreshing to focus so intently on just one single verse. The rewards have been wonderful.

Last week, He brought me to Zephaniah 3:17 twice in one day. "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." So I read this each morning, read it in several translations and posted on my desk at work. I wanted to pray over it day after day until God revealed Himself to me through this verse. He did.

But it's not always that easy. A while back He asked me to make an adjustment, so He could be more fully revealed in my life. I acknowledged it and agreed, but did not act. The step is very, very hard. Yesterday, He revealed it once again. It's going to be very difficult for me, but I know it's necessary so I'm determined by His grace and strength to do it. But obedience is not always easy and I just learned that it most often has consequences to those around me. This particular act of obedience will be recognized by those around me.

I'm praying this week will be a turning point. A week where I act and then begin to see all the abundance that He has in store for me. The author of the Bible study says over and over again that I cannot fully experience God and stay where I am. I must respond by adjusting and then obeying. Only then will I see Him the way He wants. I'm anxious to get there.

The Shirt

I don't hold on to many things. The boys will be the first to say that I'm far from a pack rat. As a matter of fact, I have been known all my life to throw out stuff and then need it shortly after I toss it. I can't stand clutter. I don't like holding on to things that have no value to me. And I don't like to put much value in silly things.

The day before Jim died, we were touring Washington, D.C. on a muggy, sweaty July afternoon. The shirt he was wearing that day has been rolled and stored in his nightstand on the left side of my bed. Quite often over the last 4 years, I would respray the shirt with Jim's cologne and the boys and I would breathe in the scent of the shirt and it was like holding Jim. It smelled just like him and took us back--just for a moment.

I'm over 4 1/2 years into my grief and the shirt was still unwashed and sitting in the nightstand drawer. There was no real reason for it. The time between spraying and breathing in became greater and greater. But still...I left the shirt there...can't exactly explain it. I would have thought by now...surely by now...I would have tossed it in the wash and gotten on with things. I guess I wasn't ready.

For most of my grieving process, I've looked directly to the Lord for His leading. I didn't always get it right, but even when I took the scenic route, He helped me find my way back and moved me to a new level with Him. He did that once again yesterday morning.

I awakened and decided to spend a lengthy time with my Lord. I began to read through some of the Psalms, prayed, read 2 Timothy, prayed, and then began through portions of Romans. I found myself in Romans 7 and verse 2 spoke to me. "For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage." My eyes fixed solely on 3 words..."she is released." I felt God's Spirit telling me that He is releasing me from any bondage I feel. He is freeing me from my grief and from any thing that I'm holding on to. I could just feel God speaking..."Be free. I want to give you freedom you've never known." As I sat there, smiled and basked in the joy and peace that can only come from Him, I heard Him say, "Wash the shirt." I got up and took the shirt to the laundry room. A short time later, it was in the wash with a normal load of darks. It was a tangible step I needed to take in response to the gift God wanted to give to me.

I talked to the boys individually after I washed the shirt. Derek was indifferent. He said, "I thought you already did." Zach had a different reaction, "Why did you do that? It smelled so good." But I had to and I explained that to him. His birthday is coming up, so I plan to get him some of his daddy's cologne for his special day. I want him to be able to smell like his daddy whenever he wants.

I feel a release. I feel a freedom. I feel a peace. A great calm only can be realized after a great storm. On Thursday night, I had a completely ruthless night of anguish and pain as several things collided. I now know that God brought that as a prelude to what He wanted to show me yesterday morning. I'm glad I had 2 hours to spend with Him. It was such a precious time.