The Shirt

I don't hold on to many things. The boys will be the first to say that I'm far from a pack rat. As a matter of fact, I have been known all my life to throw out stuff and then need it shortly after I toss it. I can't stand clutter. I don't like holding on to things that have no value to me. And I don't like to put much value in silly things.

The day before Jim died, we were touring Washington, D.C. on a muggy, sweaty July afternoon. The shirt he was wearing that day has been rolled and stored in his nightstand on the left side of my bed. Quite often over the last 4 years, I would respray the shirt with Jim's cologne and the boys and I would breathe in the scent of the shirt and it was like holding Jim. It smelled just like him and took us back--just for a moment.

I'm over 4 1/2 years into my grief and the shirt was still unwashed and sitting in the nightstand drawer. There was no real reason for it. The time between spraying and breathing in became greater and greater. But still...I left the shirt there...can't exactly explain it. I would have thought by now...surely by now...I would have tossed it in the wash and gotten on with things. I guess I wasn't ready.

For most of my grieving process, I've looked directly to the Lord for His leading. I didn't always get it right, but even when I took the scenic route, He helped me find my way back and moved me to a new level with Him. He did that once again yesterday morning.

I awakened and decided to spend a lengthy time with my Lord. I began to read through some of the Psalms, prayed, read 2 Timothy, prayed, and then began through portions of Romans. I found myself in Romans 7 and verse 2 spoke to me. "For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage." My eyes fixed solely on 3 words..."she is released." I felt God's Spirit telling me that He is releasing me from any bondage I feel. He is freeing me from my grief and from any thing that I'm holding on to. I could just feel God speaking..."Be free. I want to give you freedom you've never known." As I sat there, smiled and basked in the joy and peace that can only come from Him, I heard Him say, "Wash the shirt." I got up and took the shirt to the laundry room. A short time later, it was in the wash with a normal load of darks. It was a tangible step I needed to take in response to the gift God wanted to give to me.

I talked to the boys individually after I washed the shirt. Derek was indifferent. He said, "I thought you already did." Zach had a different reaction, "Why did you do that? It smelled so good." But I had to and I explained that to him. His birthday is coming up, so I plan to get him some of his daddy's cologne for his special day. I want him to be able to smell like his daddy whenever he wants.

I feel a release. I feel a freedom. I feel a peace. A great calm only can be realized after a great storm. On Thursday night, I had a completely ruthless night of anguish and pain as several things collided. I now know that God brought that as a prelude to what He wanted to show me yesterday morning. I'm glad I had 2 hours to spend with Him. It was such a precious time.