Welcome Party--Mexico Part 3

We were welcomed Saturday upon our arrival by having the pleasure of dining and playing in the pool with the kids from one of the homes. It was a blast. We were challenged to step outside our comfort zones, get involved and just love on the kids. That was easy!

The pool on the Back2Back campus was so packed with kids that you could hardly turn around without bumping into 2 or 3 of them. I played with many, but spent extra time with a few in particular. On the surface they seem like perfectly normal kids just wanting to have fun and goof off, but each of these kids has a story. They were all abandoned by their parents and now call an orphanage home. They have attached to the other kids as sisters and brothers. It was an honor to splash around with them, hug them and just pour myself into them for one afternoon.

At one point, I got out of the pool and just sat in a chair to take in the beautiful scene in front of me—laughter, smiles, fun, splashing…I see all that the Back2Back ministry is doing on behalf of these kids and I know that with the hope of Jesus, warm food in their belly and love from many that they have a much better chance for a full life.

The next day we were all challenged to make a difference by figuring out what the “burr in our saddle” was. We all have a passion for something in life…something that just won’t let go, but we ignore it long enough until it calluses over and we become numb to it. Then that burr no longer causes us to move in ways outside ourselves. It no longer forces us to follow that longing. We get comfortable; we become content; we settle.

I’ve had a burr in my saddle for quite a while. I want it to keep making me uncomfortable, so I must depend on Jesus every day to move me in unexpected ways. I want my life to be motivated by the burr; motivated by the passion that God has given me. I want to make a difference in the lives of others…to give hope to those without any! May I pray that prayer every day.

A Thanksgiving Fast--Mexico Part 2

Fasting is a wonderful spiritual discipline that I often do on behalf of my children or when I need clarity regarding an issue. When I arrived in town on Friday night, I realized I wasn't hungry and didn't even have a desire for a snack. After waking up Saturday morning, I still wasn't hungry. I couldn't eat for over 24 hours after coming home.

I realized I was in a reverse fast. Usually, I fast so I can be filled with Jesus and gain greater insight or understanding. This time I was already so filled that nothing else satisfied. I didn't want physical food. I felt as though I had stood in the presence of Jesus for a week and was fully saturated in Him.

As I meditated on my trip and went into the late afternoon hours of Saturday, I finally began to feel hunger pains. I was almost disappointed that I wanted physical food. I wanted to stay full of Jesus.

During this time, I was reminded of the verse that God brought to me earlier in the week. I had camped on 2 Corinthians 9:12 "This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God." I was so thankful that God allowed me to be a tiny part of His work and that whether I'm on a mission trip, eating lunch or driving to work, everything I do should be an expression of thanksgiving to my Lord.

My cup overfloweth and it must have been evident. Someone approached me last evening to let me know they thought I was just glowing on Sunday morning. I did feel radiant. That's what spending a week with Jesus will do. I yearn to live that way today and tomorrow. I want seek Him with all my heart.

The Travelling Word--Mexico Part 1

I just spent a week in Monterrey, Mexico serving orphans and those who have not much of anything to call their own. I immersed my heart, my soul and my mind in the experience that God called me to. I spent 4 days at 3 different orphanages and 1 day at a squatter's village where the poorest of the poor have nothing, so they scrounge through a trash dump that serves as the center of their neighborhood. God began to speak to me and move me in ways I've never experienced. Over the next few weeks, I'll share my experience, not in narrative, but in stories. Every day was packed and I saw Jesus everywhere I looked.

I'll start with the end. The day before I left for Mexico I wrote about deciding whether to bring my big, bulky Bible with me. I felt compelled and was so glad I had it along. It was open and speaking to me each morning during my quiet time and held me captive in the evenings when I was drawn to certain verses. But it wasn't until I was leaving Monterrey airport yesterday that knew the true purpose of why I needed to have it by my side.

After packing my suitcase, I laid my Bible right on top of all my dirty clothes and closed it. I knew my suitcase weighed in at close to 50 lbs. and if it goes over that weight the airline charges a large additional fee. So I wanted to be able to get right to my Bible if I needed to pull some weight and put it in my backpack. Before checking in, my suitcase needed to be inspected. The guy unzipped my bag and there lay my Bible right on top. He looked at it and then searched around the sides of my bag and then looked back at the Bible. I could tell he was really drawn to it. He picked it up and then gently laid it back down. My Bible cover has Jeremiah 29:11 on the front..."For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The guy moved his finger under the word "Lord," paused and then ran his finger under the words "plans to prosper you." He looked up at me and said, "Is this for me?" I replied, "Yes, God has a plan for all of us." He just smiled and rezipped my suitcase.

I don't know what was going on in that man's life or why he was so captivated by my Bible and the verse on front, but God does and yesterday morning God spoke to that man in Mexico through a very well loved Bible that calls Danville, IN home.

Abandonment and Packing The Word

My devotion last night focused on truly recognizing Jesus--His appearance and voice in your life. I am captivated by this idea of being so fully sold out that I don't ever hesitate when He speaks. But I'm not there yet.

The author said, "We step right out with recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go...If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you...It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him." I want to experience that as a natural part of my life. That is my goal. I pray that as I serve Him in Mexico I will move one step closer.

On another note, I have debated all week whether to take my Bible I read from daily to Mexico. It is big and bulky. It weighs in at almost 4 lbs. So instead I packed a thin NT in my backpack and a more compact complete Bible in my suitcase. They both travel easier. But I couldn't get it out of my mind that I wanted my regular Bible with me...it kept bugging me. Finally, today, I thought, "Why am I bothered about the extra weight? It's God's Word and it's my most treasured possession." I want it with me. Period. So I it packed in my suitcase. I feel so much better knowing it will be by my side all week.

Heart Prep

I’ve spent a lot of time lately preparing my heart. It is a process that I’ve often overlooked in my Walk. When I’m confident in God’s leading, I have a tendency to just plow ahead…jumping into whatever He has in mind with both feet. Easing into the pool little by little has never been my style. But I’m learning.

Two weeks ago, I dropped Derek off for Basic training. He was headed to Ft. Benning, GA. He would be gone for 4-5 months. That thought sent me into a tailspin. He is so precious to me and we have such a close relationship that I was trying to figure out how to adjust. I needed to be prepped for not only for the day of his departure, but his absence all summer.

And this Saturday, I head to Monterrey, Mexico to work with orphans for a week. I had given a book to a dear friend for Christmas. After reading it, she gave it back to me to read and be inspired. I was blown away by the author’s story of obedience and all the God was doing as a result of the orphan ministry she started. I knew without a doubt, God was calling me to go and be a part of this. But, again, I needed to be quiet before my Lord so He could speak to me and prepare me for this journey.

So He’s been preparing me to walk down the paths He has laid before me. I was drawn to Jeremiah 18:4 "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." No matter the road I’m called to take, I must be molded and shaped to become more like Him. It is through this process I can be a most effective instrument.

I have spent much time reflecting on all that God has taught me in the past, all the grace and mercy that He has shown me and the joy that comes as a result of loving Him each day. Yes, I will continue to prepare myself for the mission He has for me in this life. At the moment, my heart is full. I have a peace that this world can never give, nor take away.

I know my heart is full when I’m smiling so big on the inside that I can’t control myself. I spent 3 days last week with friends camping at Holiday World enjoying the rides and good conversations. I was thinking how goofy I must have looked to everyone, because I was constantly dancing. I danced at the park, at breakfast and at the gas station late at night. I couldn’t help myself. I was dancing with joy from the blessings that my Lord has poured down on little ol’ me.

Peace

On a regular basis, I experience God’s peace that truly transcends all understanding. It is the most underrated character of God. Last week was difficult for me. I felt the looming departure of Derek to Basic training and a variety other emotions that had all descended upon me. But in the midst of it all, I simply felt calm. I ached, but I stood firm. I stood on the very foundation that Christ, Himself has laid for me. He has given me a tremendous reservoir of faithfulness and goodness to tap. And He has never, ever let me down. This is all the encouragement I need when dark clouds appear.

Derek has been gone now for three days. His number has stopped popping up on my phone, his chair is empty at the table and his truck stays put in the garage. But I’m coping surprisingly well. God has put me in a very good place. Derek was feeling anxiety about entering the unknown and confessed that he cried on the plane trip down to the base. I told him I wanted him to keep one thing in mind—he was on God’s mission first and foremost before the Army’s. I told him if he could truly wrap his head around that, then he would know where he would be getting his strength and courage. It would be the perspective he needed in order to serve as the godly young man that he has become.

I am at peace. I’ve turned Derek over to God and know the Creator of the universe is far more capable than I am of taking care of him. I pray with great confidence and know my best Friend will see Derek through the next four months.

Embracing Change

A couple of days ago while walking, I dipped back into my memory bank to the summer of 2000. Jim and I had signed a contract to buy a manufacturing company, but after deeper thought, changed our minds. This prompted the owner to close it down. She offered us both severance packages and we were both out looking for jobs in June. Two and a half months later, we were in Atlanta with an offer Jim received. But I have the sweetest memories of that summer.

The boys were 6 and 9. Every day we would throw the bikes in the back of the truck and head to a beautiful park with lots of wooded walking and bike trails. We biked, hiked, ran, and just had a wonderful time. One day, we took a kite and we all took turns seeing who could keep it up the longest. The boys loved it and so did we. It was pure heaven for me—being outdoors and spending every single day together as a family.

Boy have things changed since then. My husband is now with his Father and my boys are 15 and 18. If I asked them to go for a bike ride they look at me like I’m speaking a new language. Their interests have changed. Derek is primarily focused on hanging with his friends, but I’m still Zach consummate playmate…tennis, pitching softball or whatever he wants. Our relationships are solid, but they don’t get excited about the same things they did 9 years ago. That’s normal…but sometimes it’s hard for their poor old mama.

I don’t hearken back too often, but when I do, I remind myself to embrace the ever changing dynamics of our family. And I get there by remembering that God has me right where He wants me. There is a reason He has chosen this path for our family. He has higher things in mind that aren’t always evident to me. But I trust in His sovereignty over each moment of my day.

Yesterday, the three of us spent most of the day together just hanging out and today I went to lunch with Derek. I have learned to meet them where they are. If the two of them are playing Xbox, then I go upstairs and just sit in the same room. Derek loves to eat, so I enjoy making his favorite breakfast or going out to eat when it works. No, they don’t jump up and down anymore when I say we’re loading up the bikes and going to the park, but they still love life and I still love them…more today than I did yesterday.

Present in the Moment

I am working hard to condition myself to be present in each moment of the day that God gives me. I have found with months and months of practice it is becoming a more natural state for me. I often stop and regroup to enjoy a precious moment regardless of where I am.

Lately, my prayer has been to enjoy every single connection point that God gives me with Derek. He is leaving for Basic training in two weeks and I want to treasure all the time we have before he leaves. I want to be intentional about our conversations and even my demeanor when we are together. I don’t want to be rushed or let a moment slip by. God has been very good to give me so many wonderful moments…specific conversations over dinner, great texting fun, laughter on the phone, and deeper moments of intimacy as he sits on the edge of my bed in the evening after returning home.

Yesterday, we were on the phone and he said, “Oh, mom, I’ve been meaning to follow up with you on a decision you were making…have you made it?” God had just given me clarity about this issue the day before, so I relayed that to him. He went on to share where he felt God was leading me and then commented, “Mom, you know more about the Bible than any other Christian I know.” That is not true, but his perception is that his mama loves God’s Word. That is definitely true and that he has this image of me makes my heart do flip flops. I’m gonna miss him more than I can put in to words. My eyes start to water just thinking about it.

And then there’s Zach. By far, I spend more time with him than Derek, but that’s ‘cause he can’t drive and is beholden to me to chauffer him everywhere. And we have a great relationship. He is so cute and has become my little 5’2”-90 lb. walking conscience. He is often telling me things that he thinks I need to work on. He starts out by saying, “Mom, please don’t be offended, but…” And the worst thing is…he’s almost always right. I do treasure my time with him immensely and try to be present in the moment with him as well.

Last night I had to catch myself. I was in bed reading and he was doing homework on the laptop in another room. He started singing so loud and so off key that I couldn’t concentrate. I read the same line 5 times. Finally, I yelled, “Zach…dude…you’re killing me.” He walks in my bedroom with laptop in hand and says, “What…can’t be in a good mood in this house?” So I was caught. “Please…I’m sorry…go ahead…sing for me honey.” So he hands me the laptop and starts singing and dancing in front of the mirror--still loud and still off key. It was truly very funny and I was glad to enjoy that moment.

It’s the small stuff…it’s always the small stuff that makes my day and can break my day. I want it to define my joy, knowing it all comes from God.

Psalm 16:8-11… “I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

True Surrender = True Joy

True surrender evolves. The rewards get better each time I more fully understand what it means to truly give something over to God. I don't do it as often as I need to, but the intimacy that comes with complete surrender is unmatchable.

Last week, Derek came to me and informed me he was in the process of making a major life decision that was in complete contrast with my wishes. He also informed me as he thought through things that he didn't want my input. He said he needed to do this one on his own. I was stunned. I'm his mama...he knows how much I love him...why wouldn't he want my advice? But he didn't. We had a bit of an emotional discussion...actually, I got emotional...I did the talking...he just listened and then said his mind was made up about deciding on his own.

So I wrestled a bit with this and then turned it completely over to God. I prayed with absolute confidence that God would guide him not only in this decision, but in his life as he makes these major steps. My confidence in God in this situation was unyielding. I quickly gained not only a deep peace, but joy as well. I told Derek I couldn't wait to see what God had planned for him...he just smiled. And I waited for his decision.

When Derek finally informed me of his decision, it ended up being exactly what I had originally wanted. I smiled and told him I was so proud of him for praying about his decision and doing what he thought was right. And then I waited. I waited for that internal celebration that I won...a little fist pumping...but it didn't happen. Even though Derek ended up making the decision I had actually wanted, I had turned it so completely over to God that it was no longer about me or what I wanted. It was all about what God wanted for Derek. I had already reached a point days before where I was totally fine with whatever he decided.

So I learned a little more about myself and a little more about God. He showed that the way I'm most effective as a mother is when I allow Him to work through me to get to my boys. I must step out of the way. I have never felt closer to God and never more proud of Derek. He held fast to what he thought he needed to do and I held fast to Jesus. That's a pretty good combination.

Miracles Still Happen

I was in agony this past week. I had some kind of sickness that went deep into my bones. Every single part of my body ached; I would awaken at night in a pool of sweat and coughed so hard I thought my head and chest would explode. I literally laid around for 3 days and at times would groan out loud because I couldn't do anything thing else.

Friday afternoon, Zach sent me a text saying he was feeling bad and I prayed so hard he would not get what I had. So he came home laid around all evening and into Saturday...I kept praying. Saturday afternoon I sent Derek and his date off to the prom and I retired to the couch...again I was moaning and groaning. Finally, I went to bed feeling at my worst. It couldn't be possible to feel this bad after 4 days. I couldn't sleep, but my eyes burned from pure exhaustion. So I prayed. I asked God to simply heal me right now. I couldn't take it anymore.

After about an hour of prayer, my eyes popped wide open. I hadn't slept a wink, but felt like I just had a great night's sleep. I got up and walked into the bathroom...something was wrong...no something was very right. I kept looking at my fingertips. I couldn't believe it. All the pain, the arthritic feeling in my bones and the horrendous headache were all gone--just like that. It was like it all just slipped right out of my fingers. I stood there with my mouth hanging open...not believing it. I almost jumped up and down I felt so alive. I looked up and said, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Zach was playing basketball today and headed to youth this evening. He is feeling much better after less than 48 hours. Again, a perfect answer to my passionate plea. Sometimes God answers my prayers in ways I least expect and sometimes times I don't even hear from Him. And sometimes He send me a miracle. I could just picture Him last night smiling, kissing me on the forehead and saying, "Your still my daughter and I still love you." Boy, did I need that!