Living Among the Poor

I read a lot. Yeah, we all know that. When I finish a book, I want to feel inspired to live a life more fully surrendered. That is almost solely why I read. I also love to learn. However, I don’t read to escape…I love my life and don’t feel a need to go somewhere else. So when I finish a book and I’m left with questions to ponder and felt an obvious encounter with God during the book, I consider it worth every minute I spent in it.

I just finished one such book titled The Prison Angel.

Mother Antonia left a wealthy lifestyle in Beverly Hills to live in La Mesa penitentiary in Tijuana, Mexico. She was twice divorced and had seven children. All her life she felt a pull to help the poor always feeling unsettled throughout both marriages, running the family business after the death of her father and raising all her children. Finally, when she had one child left in the house, she began to make her permanent move to Mexico even adjusting the life of her son to accommodate. She had to answer the call.

The book inspired me on so many levels. Mother Antonia was not blessed by the Catholic Church initially, but that didn’t stop her from sewing her own habit and going to serve God. She lived in a 10x10 cell and took cold showers just like the inmates. She truly lived among them and changed countless lives. They grew to love her and affectionately called her Madre.

One of her expressions was that in everything you do, you either add to the beauty of the world or take away from it. She is so right. I meditated on that this week. I have to make choices and each choice leads me to Him or away from Him. All true beauty comes from Him, so the closer I am to God, the more His beauty can shine through me.

So I began to reflect on several questions:

1. If my church did not support my call, would I still go?
2. Would I put my precious Jesus above even that of my boys? Would I adjust my life and theirs so I could take a step in obedience regardless of the sacrifice?
3. Could I truly live among the poor? How attached am I to my material stuff?
4. Am I adding to the beauty of the world?

I am duly inspired! And duly challenged!

Experiencing God

I'm working through a Bible study called Experiencing God for the second time. It's the most powerful study I've ever done. Very insightful and deeply moving concepts about how to experience God in a way I've never known. It's rich in Scripture to support the tenets.

The particular spiritual reality that I've meditated on and put into action recently is the idea that an encounter with God is not to be taken lightly. Of course, most would agree, but that's often what I do. He speaks to me through His Word and I am touched, but don't meditate on what He is trying to reveal to me until it comes to pass. This is key.

Three weeks ago, God laid it on my heart to really live out the fruits of the Spirit. So I thought of my Bible study and decided, I needed to focus on each fruit over the next nine weeks. I'm in week four. It's been very refreshing to focus so intently on just one single verse. The rewards have been wonderful.

Last week, He brought me to Zephaniah 3:17 twice in one day. "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." So I read this each morning, read it in several translations and posted on my desk at work. I wanted to pray over it day after day until God revealed Himself to me through this verse. He did.

But it's not always that easy. A while back He asked me to make an adjustment, so He could be more fully revealed in my life. I acknowledged it and agreed, but did not act. The step is very, very hard. Yesterday, He revealed it once again. It's going to be very difficult for me, but I know it's necessary so I'm determined by His grace and strength to do it. But obedience is not always easy and I just learned that it most often has consequences to those around me. This particular act of obedience will be recognized by those around me.

I'm praying this week will be a turning point. A week where I act and then begin to see all the abundance that He has in store for me. The author of the Bible study says over and over again that I cannot fully experience God and stay where I am. I must respond by adjusting and then obeying. Only then will I see Him the way He wants. I'm anxious to get there.

The Shirt

I don't hold on to many things. The boys will be the first to say that I'm far from a pack rat. As a matter of fact, I have been known all my life to throw out stuff and then need it shortly after I toss it. I can't stand clutter. I don't like holding on to things that have no value to me. And I don't like to put much value in silly things.

The day before Jim died, we were touring Washington, D.C. on a muggy, sweaty July afternoon. The shirt he was wearing that day has been rolled and stored in his nightstand on the left side of my bed. Quite often over the last 4 years, I would respray the shirt with Jim's cologne and the boys and I would breathe in the scent of the shirt and it was like holding Jim. It smelled just like him and took us back--just for a moment.

I'm over 4 1/2 years into my grief and the shirt was still unwashed and sitting in the nightstand drawer. There was no real reason for it. The time between spraying and breathing in became greater and greater. But still...I left the shirt there...can't exactly explain it. I would have thought by now...surely by now...I would have tossed it in the wash and gotten on with things. I guess I wasn't ready.

For most of my grieving process, I've looked directly to the Lord for His leading. I didn't always get it right, but even when I took the scenic route, He helped me find my way back and moved me to a new level with Him. He did that once again yesterday morning.

I awakened and decided to spend a lengthy time with my Lord. I began to read through some of the Psalms, prayed, read 2 Timothy, prayed, and then began through portions of Romans. I found myself in Romans 7 and verse 2 spoke to me. "For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage." My eyes fixed solely on 3 words..."she is released." I felt God's Spirit telling me that He is releasing me from any bondage I feel. He is freeing me from my grief and from any thing that I'm holding on to. I could just feel God speaking..."Be free. I want to give you freedom you've never known." As I sat there, smiled and basked in the joy and peace that can only come from Him, I heard Him say, "Wash the shirt." I got up and took the shirt to the laundry room. A short time later, it was in the wash with a normal load of darks. It was a tangible step I needed to take in response to the gift God wanted to give to me.

I talked to the boys individually after I washed the shirt. Derek was indifferent. He said, "I thought you already did." Zach had a different reaction, "Why did you do that? It smelled so good." But I had to and I explained that to him. His birthday is coming up, so I plan to get him some of his daddy's cologne for his special day. I want him to be able to smell like his daddy whenever he wants.

I feel a release. I feel a freedom. I feel a peace. A great calm only can be realized after a great storm. On Thursday night, I had a completely ruthless night of anguish and pain as several things collided. I now know that God brought that as a prelude to what He wanted to show me yesterday morning. I'm glad I had 2 hours to spend with Him. It was such a precious time.

Escaping with God

I am continually amazed at how God works and the incredible Husband He is to me. I have clung to Isaiah 54:5 quite often. God is Who He says He is. "For your Maker is your husband--the Lord almighty is his name..."

Three months ago, I sold my Jeep to Derek and bought a Ford Escape. I was thrilled with my new (well...new to me) car. I loved the way it handled and enjoyed everything about it. But within a few weeks after buying it, something inside me began to stir. I was getting the feeling that I wasn't supposed to have this Escape. I kept trying to ignore was was gnawing at me, but couldn't shake it. Then there were little things about the car that began to bug me. I was feeling very unsettled.

This past Tuesday, I took it to a Ford dealership to have something minor looked at and they said the entire steering column had been replaced. It wasn't in an accident and there was no recall, so it had to have been vandalism or something else. The carfax report was clean. So I left the dealership and went to the one where I bought it. They agreed, with my insistence, to give me another car at the same value, but I couldn't find anything on their lot to suit me. When I drove off, it was clear I was not going to get my car from them. The salesman was making me very uncomfortable with his weird remarks. So I left and prayed the rest of the week.

Yesterday, I knew I was to go back to the Ford dealership and get another car, so I did. I pulled in and looked around as an older salesman approached me. We talked and I immediately connected with this brother in Christ. I immediately found another Escape that I loved. We drove it and I knew this was the car I was to have. As we sat at the table negotiating price, I told him I could not buy it until I prayed about it one more time. Without hesitation, he offered to pray with me. We sat in the middle of a busy dealership and prayed about my decision. I was so touched. I bought the car and we talked all afternoon as we waited for paperwork to be done. I handed him one of my books and he gave me a hug as I left. I don't know why my path crossed with this wonderful man, but I know my Saturday and my new car purchase was ordained by God.

As I was driving home, I was so filled up that I was about to explode. I was breathing Jesus. It felt like God was sitting next to me in my new Escape. He guides me, protects me, gives me wisdom and brings wonderful people in my life. He is also a God who lives in my reality and speaks to me in very practical ways. I am so grateful and so humbled.

It's God Above All

Shortly after Jim died, I made a very tough decision that has totally changed the way I approach dealing with trouble that comes my way. And we are assured in this life, we will have trouble. When I was consumed with my grief very early on, I realized that I must put my relationship with Jesus above everything, even that of my grieving boys. That was very, very hard. However, as I stayed focused on Him, He began to do a good work inside and revealed things to me that paved a wonderful healing path for all three of us.

Sometimes I’m just dealing with a minor skirmish with one of my teenage boys, but sometimes the problem is deeper and presents a greater challenge to work through. I had one such problem over the past few weeks. As soon as the issue smacked me in the face, I immediately set aside the people and problem involved and focused completely on what God wanted to teach me. This gave me peace almost immediately. I made the issue about my relationship with Him and nothing else. Slowly I worked through the problem, but it was through the lens of my relationship with Jesus and not anyone or anything else. When I did this, clarity and change came through scripture that was revealed and a heart-change on my part. It was not easy to process this most difficult situation, but it was way easier than if I would have cluttered it with flawed personalities, recrimination, self-doubt and all the things that the devil would have me think were valid approaches.

I can’t begin to describe the work that God did as a result of this approach. He took what could have been a devastating circumstance and brought great freedom to me. He moved. He taught. He conquered. And it all started with putting Him completely in the center without distraction. I now feel joy in a different way and peace that didn’t exist when the trouble came my way.

I praise Him. I praise Him. I praise Him. For He alone is worthy!!

His Will, Not Mine

This past week has been a bit challenging for me. God is on the move in my life and sometimes it’s painful. I continue to watch Him work out His plans before me since returning from Haiti. He is allowing me to be involved in His work and I’m excited about all that I see ahead of me. But sometimes as God prepares me for assignments, He must develop my character. That hurts.

I believe in God’s perfect timing and I recently learned in a Bible study that when He speaks with me, when I encounter God Almighty, it is a very serious matter. I must follow through until His word comes to pass. I have not always been so good at that. I hear God speak, but I don’t spend weeks and months if necessary meditating on it until God does the work surrounding that encounter that He intended. I move on. I move on too quickly before He really has a chance to do what He originally intended.

So I’ve been camping on the concept of really praying and reflecting on what He reveals to me. I’m determined to allow Him to follow through by abiding in Him regardless of how long it takes. In one passage of the Bible study I’m doing, it talked about really discerning God’s voice. The process is all about my relationship with Christ, but it starts with getting my heart into such a state that it no longer has a will of its own. Wow! That is where I stopped this week.

I have been praying and praying over that very specific idea. I desire greatly to be so focused on Jesus that what I want no longer even comes into play. I’m not there. I do know that the power of the Creator resides in me. That power can transform my most broken parts and bring me to a place of complete surrender. John 14:26 reminds me that “The counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” So I can bank on that. I can hold on to the Truth of God’s Word that says He will teach me all things.

I’m still seeking, still praying, and still being still. I’m confident on the other side of His good work; I’ll look a little more like Him and a little less like me.

Thou Shalt Hear!

A day before I left for Haiti, I began to deal with some sinus stuff…really no big deal. I get it regularly, work through it and it goes away. But after arriving in Haiti, it started acting a bit differently. My ears clogged up, and I starting losing some of my hearing. I didn’t let this interfere with my joy or what God had planned for me. It truly was nothing more than a little annoyance.

As the days wore on, my hearing lessened. I could barely hear myself talk, but was feeling fine. The night at the hotel after leaving the island, it seemed to blow out in full force. I simply struggled to hear normal decibels. But I was so thankful the worst hit as I was retuning home. And then it got even worse.

Massive fluid built up behind both ear drums due to the change in pressure on all my flights, particularly the little 4-seater private plane that took me off the island. This rendered me essentially deaf. So I struggled. I prayed and was determined to let it run its course, but my doctor thought tubes were probably in order. I had made it 45 years without major ear problems or the need for tubes and didn’t want to do that now. But no improvement was happening.

Finally, after reaching my limit this Tuesday night, God brought a scripture to mind. I was reminded of the night Jesus was betrayed and how one of his disciples cut off the ear of the high priest. Jesus reached out, touched his ear and he was healed. I thought, “Yes, it states clearly in the Bible that God heals ears.” So I believed He would heal mine. As a matter of fact, I was completely convinced. That night I prayed fervently for a miracle and slept with my Bible under my pillow, so God’s Word could seep into my inner ear.

Guess what? I awakened the next morning feeling worse than ever. It felt like something had exploded in my head overnight. But I was still convinced today was my day for healing. I went to a specialist later in the morning and he and I agreed NOT to cut my ear drums. I planned to wait it out. After leaving his office, I drove less than a half mile and my right ear popped. I had to actually turn down the radio…I was so excited. I immediately praised God for His healing. Shortly after that, my left ear was itching to do the same. I went from feeling at my worse to being miraculously healed.

As soon as that happened, I knew why I felt so bad first thing in the morning. It was a test of my faith. Was I going to continue to trust God? Did I still have faith in Him even when things got really bad or was I going to take matters into my own hands? I kept the faith, and He showed up. That’s what always happens when I stay fixed on Him.

So I pick Zach up from school later in the day. I tell him my right ear popped and I can hear again, but before I could tell him the story behind it, he said, “Wait...let me guess. God healed you.” I said, “Yes, He did. Let me tell you the story.” So I did. When I was all finished he looked at me and said, “Mom, that sounds like a Hallmark movie.”

I am thankful for my Savior more than ever. I’m thankful He heals me, cares for me and guides me in all that I do. But I’m most thankful that He shows up every single day of my life!

Matthew 11:15—“He who has ears, let him hear.”

The Face of Jesus...my beloved Haiti

We were sitting in the Atlanta airport when the earthquake hit. We were due to fly in to Cap Haitien, Haiti the next day, but that did not happen. All flights were canceled and through the amazing work of God, we were able to get there just 1 day late. I felt a great peace as our team wrestled with whether to go or not. I just felt called to be there.

I walked through the village of 6,000 desperately poor Haitians. Many children ran around without clothes and the immense poverty was immediately seared deep within my heart. I spent an entire day just hanging with the kids and getting to know the people. I have never felt so loved and accepted by a people in my life...I truly felt at home.

One evening I was able to share my testimony with the ladies, sing with them and simply enjoy their company. I also made salvation bracelets for the kids and handed out homemade dresses to 50 little girls. So much was packed in so few days that it was hard to even process it at the time...I spent my whole time staring the face of Jesus and feeling His presence on such an intimate level all day every day.

And the conversations and relationships that were built from the godly pilot who gave me a ride off the island to the associate pastor at one of the villages to the ladies who would not stop hugging me to the mom who asked that I sponsor her 1-month girl. My heart was exploding love...I don't know how else to say it.

I continue to pray about my time in Haiti and how God wants me to be involved in His work. As I was riding in the small 4-seater aircraft over the ocean, I watched the most magnificent sunset as I sat reading 1 Corinthians. I was speechless as I just breathed in the majesty of God. He spoke to me in the 15th chapter and 58th verse where He said, "Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." I realized, He wants me to give myself fully without distraction to what He calls me to do. If I do His will, it will not be in vain. All other paths will be useless.

So I wait...I pray...I process...when He speaks I plan to respond without hesitation.

A Hankering for Haiti

I'm leaving for Haiti tomorrow. I tried to dismiss God's calling to go for several reasons. I am going with 8 guys and no other women, it's in the middle of the school year for Zach, Derek is just starting college, and on and on my excuses went. I even backed out when I thought there were too many other things going on in my life. But God spoke. He stopped whispering and turned up the volume. I responded. I didn't have a choice at that point.

I am now so excited!! After accepting His invitation to join Him in His work down there, so many things have begun to fall into place. He has laid a lot on my heart concerning my trip. Last night He spoke loudly and unexpectedly about another reason for my going. I'll be anxious to see it all unfold before my eyes as I attempt to walk humbly toward Him.

I've been doing a lot of research on the country and find my heart really drawn there. It was once very prosperous and now is desperately poor. 50% of Haitians live on less than $1 per day. I found myself coming down with sinus stuff last night and this morning I really wanted a vente Chai from Starbucks on my way into work, but I couldn't bring myself to plunk down more than a day's wages for 4 Haitians simply for a cup of tea. It didn't seem right. So I drove right on by.

I am at total peace about going and little concerned about my crackling voice and sore throat. I want to be a light in a dark world and make sure that all my deeds have a seed of eternity in them.

I am thankful for my salvation more and more every day and want everyone in the darkest places in this world to understand the unspeakable joy that comes from personally knowing Jesus.

Lord, please use me!

Devotion without Interruption

I have been reading the biography of Amy Carmichael. It's been a great way to bring in the new year. She had an extraordinarily intimate relationship with God that is so inspiring to me. Her deep and abiding connection to the King was not because she was a missionary or spent 53 years in India or saved hundreds of orphans. She served her whole life with a single-minded devotion to Jesus. That is how she developed a relationship that I long for. And that is my prayer as the 2010 gets underway.

This past week started out great. Then on Thursday, I was opening the mail and my heart sank with something that arrived. I looked up with devastation and said, "What do You want me to do with this?" I folded the letter, laid it in my bedroom and began to pray...I prayed all day until I began to feel guidance on how to react to the surprise in the mailbox. Later that evening, I took a punch to gut on an unrelated matter and have been continuing to pray through that as well.

My weeks are often filled with great joy and great challenges...sometimes the latter is overwhelming. And this is what makes me realize that my prayer for complete devotion to Jesus must be my only goal. I do not want to be distracted by what comes my way...I don't want my energies and emotions to get zapped while I focus on other things that are outside of His will for me.

May Amy's prayer be mine..."Lord, do Thou turn me all into love, and all my love into obedience, and let my obedience be without interruption."

Here are a few notable quotes from the book:

1. Whatever might blur the vision God had given her of His work, whatever could distract or deceive or tempt others to seek anything but the Lord Jesus Himself she tried to eliminate.

2. Take your slate to the foot of the cross and add up the figures there.

3. The saddest thing one meets is the nominal Christian.

4. He is burning out the dross, teaching me the meaning of fire, the burnt offering, the death of the self-part of me.

5. Truth once given form becomes imperishable, but let the edges of truth be blurred, and that pure form is very difficult to recover.

6. Nothing is worthwhile if the seed of eternity be not in it.