I'm Sorry

Derek called me a while back in a panic. He was trying to find his way to an appointment and was lost. I was shocked since he'd been there many times before. "How can you be lost?" I asked with irritation. "You've been there a million times." "I don't know, mom." He said. "But I'm tired of driving up and down the road. I've passed the same place 4 times." He was frustrated and upset that he was lost in such familiar territory. Finally, after he told me exactly where he was I guided him to this location. "Oh, I found it." The relief was evident in his voice. "Bye, mom." And he hung up.

About an hour later, I got a very unexpected call from him. He called for one purpose and one only. "Mom, I owe you an apology. I think my tone on the phone wasn't good when I called you earlier and I probably sounded disrespectful. I'm sorry." "No you didn't, honey, but thank you. You were just frustrated and so was I. You were not disrespectful at all."

That has stuck with me for a while--my boys aren't usually the best at apologies. They just act extra nice and try to smooth things over when they've done something wrong, but they don't come right out with the "I'm sorry" business. It's hard. It's humbling. Even as adults we struggle with this.

Yesterday, I was sitting on my patio reading for a bit before heading over to visit some dear friends. But I couldn't concentrate on my book--God was convicting me. I closed my book and walked upstairs to Derek, sat down next to him and said, "Derek, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got irritated at you yesterday. I had no reason and no right to act that way." I could see his whole body lighten up and he smiled really big. And then we knuckle bumped. It's almost as if he had been sitting up there at that very moment waiting for me. I had gotten upset over a little thing--he had changed his mind about something and it didn't sit well with me, but there was nothing wrong with it. I was just having a weak moment as a mom and sounded off a bit at him. But it is amazing what a humble apology can do for the soul and for a relationship. I need to do that more often.

I'm so thankful that God convicts me and is kind enough to encourage me as a mom by showing me how my own boys can teach me--how they can be my example on occasion. I hope I can continue to teach them and live out my faith, but also never forget that sometimes they have a thing or two to show me.

Turning Point

I am so thankful that God is kind enough to continue teaching me and revealing His wisdom to me. About a week ago, I was reading in Exodus and got to Chapter 5 where Moses had his first encounter with Pharaoh. As God instructed him, he insisted that Pharaoh release the Israelites. But Pharaoh was obstinate. He said who are you and your God to tell me what to do. So he punished the Israelites by taking away their straw to make bricks. He told them them must find their own straw now and still make the same number of bricks each day.

The Israelites were so upset they confronted Pharaoh and he dismissed them saying they were just lazy and to get back to work. On the way back, they confronted Moses and Aaron asking them why they interfered. "You have made us a stench to Pharaoh..." (Exodus 5:21)

As I was reading this, I was thinking, "They don't get it. Moses is their deliverer and all they are seeing is the problem right in front of them--they're only concerned about the straw." Then as clear as the hand in front of me, God said to me, "You are the Israelites. You are focusing on the straw." I was stunned.

I realized during my moments of pain, I was allowing the immediacy of my grief to distract me from my Deliverer and all that He's done for me and continues to do. I just sat there contemplating what God just revealed to me. I realized how true it was. I needed to put the stake in the ground and vow there was no turning back. Never again would I allow the enemy to take my thoughts captive and get me down and self-focused. Yep, I'm done. I'm ready to stay focused on where I'm going and not where I am at the moment.

So I went out to my back yard and got a piece of straw to lay on my desk where I work in the evenings. I want a constant reminder not to be focused on the straw. I want to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus regardless of my situation or the pain that occasionally traps me. It's done. I reached a turning point and there is no going back--ever. It feels so good. I'm deeply grateful for the living Word of God.

Welcome to Wal-Mart

I've become a greeter. I walked through the door a few weeks ago and the house was quiet - no one greeted me when I arrived. Both the boys were home, but one was on the computer and the other was in his room. I walked through the house and yelled that I was home and I got a few grunts and "hey mom." But they didn't rush to greet me. This is normal. They are 15 and 18 and have grown past the enthusiasm for their mommy arriving home.

But as I went to bed that night, God laid the idea of greeting them on my heart. I realized while they may not run to the door to greet me, neither do I for them. So I made a decision to change that. Now, no matter what I'm doing, I stop. I stop in mid e-mail or drop the potato I'm peeling and greet them each time they enter the house. I say, "Hey honey, it's good to see you" or something along that line.

They are none the wiser. I didn't tell them what God prompted me to do, but I hope it's one small thing I can do to let them know they are more important to me than anything else I may be doing. I want them to feel special. And that sweet moment at the door is very special to me. It's just one more way I can show them they are loved more than they will ever know.

I love my new job as a greeter. I don't say, "Welcome to Wal-Mart," but I do say, "Welcome home, my sweet boys. God loves you and so do I."

Eyes Wide Open

My eyes are wide open. I have this true sense of urgency to grab every moment with my boys, particularly Derek. He's almost 18 and I don't get much time alone with him. But this past Monday we volunteered together at the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition site. We worked side by side all afternoon picking up trash in the neighborhood. And I loved every moment serving with my firstborn.

What impressed me most about Derek was his hard work - he's just like his daddy. He never complained a single time that our job was to pick up garbage and he did all the heavy lifting whenever someone called. At one point, I looked up just in time to see him drop a stiff, dead cat in the bag - a job no one else would dare do. He stunk the rest of the day. At times, he can be totally a teenager, but on Monday he was my hero! And even after almost 4 years, I keep looking over my shoulder to share my joy with Jim. But he wasn't there! When will I learn...

Then Wednesday morning, I spent over an hour with a friend who is dying of cancer. She is a beautiful, vibrant lady who has only days to live. While visiting her, she told me of another mutual friend who died last year - I felt a stab to my heart. I couldn't get my head around his death. I'm still grappling with it a bit. Death for a believer is a pathway to eternity and a joyous occasion, but it still shakes me to my core.

But it does help keep my eyes wide open. I want it to mean something to me today. I want to live without regrets, with great passion and with an intense focus on eternity. And I want to grab every precious moment as if it was my last.