Balance and Bondage

Oh, my. This past week has been a real mama week...it’s been filled with challenges and good old-fashioned just trying to get it right. Being a single mom to two teenage boys has presented challenges that I’m just not always ready to handle. I have to stop in mid-track and wonder what the proper next step should be. How do I show grace and compassion, yet be firm in my resolve? How do I get to the root of the issue without sounding like a lecturer or interrogator? I’m getting better, but only by the grace of God.

Derek and I have been going at it. He is having trouble transitioning from being in the military to coming home under mom’s roof. I understand. I get it. I know that he wants to spread his wings, have some freedom and be his own man…and he is a man. But and there’s always a but. He must understand there has to be mutual respect. He makes good decisions and has a big heart, but oftentimes takes his frustrations out on me. This causes fights and hurts and low moments between us. So I learn that it’s about balance...balance in my approach and balance by backing off.

But here’s the rub. This past week, as tough as it’s been, is a whole lot less about friction between my firstborn and me and almost all about the faithful, guiding hand of my Master. Each time I ran into conflict, I prayed my way through it and went to God’s Word. He always revealed Himself to me in very real terms. On two occasions, there were epiphanies that either completely changed my course of action or gave me a clearer understanding of where Derek was coming from. I’m learning as fully as I’ve ever known in my life that there is no situation or circumstance where God cannot be intimately involved and transform it to greater heights.

There are still dark moments and tears from a mama who puts so much of her energy and prayer life into her boys, but as one of my favorite hymns goes…”I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.” Jesus couldn’t be more real to me if He were sitting next to me at the dinner table. Being a single mom and a widow keeps me so very reliant on Him for every breath as well as my very next step.

Several weeks ago, in a Beth Moore study, she mentioned being in bondage. I really camped on that for weeks. I took an inventory of my life to see where I held on to something or someone so closely that it interfered with my relationship to God. I really didn’t like the word bondage when Beth first used it. It seemed too ugly for my taste, but as I rested and prayed in this area, I found it was exactly the proper word to use and was also evident in my life. And I hated that it was. This past week, God showed me that I was actually in bondage to my firstborn. I held him so closely in my thoughts that I wasn’t allowing God to do the work He needed to do. Thankfully the “eyes of my heart” have been opened as only God can do. It makes my job so much easier to parent in conjunction with and not in front of God. That is always my intent, but not always my outcome. I’m thankful this day more than ever for God’s patience with me.