Heart Prep

I’ve spent a lot of time lately preparing my heart. It is a process that I’ve often overlooked in my Walk. When I’m confident in God’s leading, I have a tendency to just plow ahead…jumping into whatever He has in mind with both feet. Easing into the pool little by little has never been my style. But I’m learning.

Two weeks ago, I dropped Derek off for Basic training. He was headed to Ft. Benning, GA. He would be gone for 4-5 months. That thought sent me into a tailspin. He is so precious to me and we have such a close relationship that I was trying to figure out how to adjust. I needed to be prepped for not only for the day of his departure, but his absence all summer.

And this Saturday, I head to Monterrey, Mexico to work with orphans for a week. I had given a book to a dear friend for Christmas. After reading it, she gave it back to me to read and be inspired. I was blown away by the author’s story of obedience and all the God was doing as a result of the orphan ministry she started. I knew without a doubt, God was calling me to go and be a part of this. But, again, I needed to be quiet before my Lord so He could speak to me and prepare me for this journey.

So He’s been preparing me to walk down the paths He has laid before me. I was drawn to Jeremiah 18:4 "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." No matter the road I’m called to take, I must be molded and shaped to become more like Him. It is through this process I can be a most effective instrument.

I have spent much time reflecting on all that God has taught me in the past, all the grace and mercy that He has shown me and the joy that comes as a result of loving Him each day. Yes, I will continue to prepare myself for the mission He has for me in this life. At the moment, my heart is full. I have a peace that this world can never give, nor take away.

I know my heart is full when I’m smiling so big on the inside that I can’t control myself. I spent 3 days last week with friends camping at Holiday World enjoying the rides and good conversations. I was thinking how goofy I must have looked to everyone, because I was constantly dancing. I danced at the park, at breakfast and at the gas station late at night. I couldn’t help myself. I was dancing with joy from the blessings that my Lord has poured down on little ol’ me.

Peace

On a regular basis, I experience God’s peace that truly transcends all understanding. It is the most underrated character of God. Last week was difficult for me. I felt the looming departure of Derek to Basic training and a variety other emotions that had all descended upon me. But in the midst of it all, I simply felt calm. I ached, but I stood firm. I stood on the very foundation that Christ, Himself has laid for me. He has given me a tremendous reservoir of faithfulness and goodness to tap. And He has never, ever let me down. This is all the encouragement I need when dark clouds appear.

Derek has been gone now for three days. His number has stopped popping up on my phone, his chair is empty at the table and his truck stays put in the garage. But I’m coping surprisingly well. God has put me in a very good place. Derek was feeling anxiety about entering the unknown and confessed that he cried on the plane trip down to the base. I told him I wanted him to keep one thing in mind—he was on God’s mission first and foremost before the Army’s. I told him if he could truly wrap his head around that, then he would know where he would be getting his strength and courage. It would be the perspective he needed in order to serve as the godly young man that he has become.

I am at peace. I’ve turned Derek over to God and know the Creator of the universe is far more capable than I am of taking care of him. I pray with great confidence and know my best Friend will see Derek through the next four months.

Embracing Change

A couple of days ago while walking, I dipped back into my memory bank to the summer of 2000. Jim and I had signed a contract to buy a manufacturing company, but after deeper thought, changed our minds. This prompted the owner to close it down. She offered us both severance packages and we were both out looking for jobs in June. Two and a half months later, we were in Atlanta with an offer Jim received. But I have the sweetest memories of that summer.

The boys were 6 and 9. Every day we would throw the bikes in the back of the truck and head to a beautiful park with lots of wooded walking and bike trails. We biked, hiked, ran, and just had a wonderful time. One day, we took a kite and we all took turns seeing who could keep it up the longest. The boys loved it and so did we. It was pure heaven for me—being outdoors and spending every single day together as a family.

Boy have things changed since then. My husband is now with his Father and my boys are 15 and 18. If I asked them to go for a bike ride they look at me like I’m speaking a new language. Their interests have changed. Derek is primarily focused on hanging with his friends, but I’m still Zach consummate playmate…tennis, pitching softball or whatever he wants. Our relationships are solid, but they don’t get excited about the same things they did 9 years ago. That’s normal…but sometimes it’s hard for their poor old mama.

I don’t hearken back too often, but when I do, I remind myself to embrace the ever changing dynamics of our family. And I get there by remembering that God has me right where He wants me. There is a reason He has chosen this path for our family. He has higher things in mind that aren’t always evident to me. But I trust in His sovereignty over each moment of my day.

Yesterday, the three of us spent most of the day together just hanging out and today I went to lunch with Derek. I have learned to meet them where they are. If the two of them are playing Xbox, then I go upstairs and just sit in the same room. Derek loves to eat, so I enjoy making his favorite breakfast or going out to eat when it works. No, they don’t jump up and down anymore when I say we’re loading up the bikes and going to the park, but they still love life and I still love them…more today than I did yesterday.

Present in the Moment

I am working hard to condition myself to be present in each moment of the day that God gives me. I have found with months and months of practice it is becoming a more natural state for me. I often stop and regroup to enjoy a precious moment regardless of where I am.

Lately, my prayer has been to enjoy every single connection point that God gives me with Derek. He is leaving for Basic training in two weeks and I want to treasure all the time we have before he leaves. I want to be intentional about our conversations and even my demeanor when we are together. I don’t want to be rushed or let a moment slip by. God has been very good to give me so many wonderful moments…specific conversations over dinner, great texting fun, laughter on the phone, and deeper moments of intimacy as he sits on the edge of my bed in the evening after returning home.

Yesterday, we were on the phone and he said, “Oh, mom, I’ve been meaning to follow up with you on a decision you were making…have you made it?” God had just given me clarity about this issue the day before, so I relayed that to him. He went on to share where he felt God was leading me and then commented, “Mom, you know more about the Bible than any other Christian I know.” That is not true, but his perception is that his mama loves God’s Word. That is definitely true and that he has this image of me makes my heart do flip flops. I’m gonna miss him more than I can put in to words. My eyes start to water just thinking about it.

And then there’s Zach. By far, I spend more time with him than Derek, but that’s ‘cause he can’t drive and is beholden to me to chauffer him everywhere. And we have a great relationship. He is so cute and has become my little 5’2”-90 lb. walking conscience. He is often telling me things that he thinks I need to work on. He starts out by saying, “Mom, please don’t be offended, but…” And the worst thing is…he’s almost always right. I do treasure my time with him immensely and try to be present in the moment with him as well.

Last night I had to catch myself. I was in bed reading and he was doing homework on the laptop in another room. He started singing so loud and so off key that I couldn’t concentrate. I read the same line 5 times. Finally, I yelled, “Zach…dude…you’re killing me.” He walks in my bedroom with laptop in hand and says, “What…can’t be in a good mood in this house?” So I was caught. “Please…I’m sorry…go ahead…sing for me honey.” So he hands me the laptop and starts singing and dancing in front of the mirror--still loud and still off key. It was truly very funny and I was glad to enjoy that moment.

It’s the small stuff…it’s always the small stuff that makes my day and can break my day. I want it to define my joy, knowing it all comes from God.

Psalm 16:8-11… “I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

True Surrender = True Joy

True surrender evolves. The rewards get better each time I more fully understand what it means to truly give something over to God. I don't do it as often as I need to, but the intimacy that comes with complete surrender is unmatchable.

Last week, Derek came to me and informed me he was in the process of making a major life decision that was in complete contrast with my wishes. He also informed me as he thought through things that he didn't want my input. He said he needed to do this one on his own. I was stunned. I'm his mama...he knows how much I love him...why wouldn't he want my advice? But he didn't. We had a bit of an emotional discussion...actually, I got emotional...I did the talking...he just listened and then said his mind was made up about deciding on his own.

So I wrestled a bit with this and then turned it completely over to God. I prayed with absolute confidence that God would guide him not only in this decision, but in his life as he makes these major steps. My confidence in God in this situation was unyielding. I quickly gained not only a deep peace, but joy as well. I told Derek I couldn't wait to see what God had planned for him...he just smiled. And I waited for his decision.

When Derek finally informed me of his decision, it ended up being exactly what I had originally wanted. I smiled and told him I was so proud of him for praying about his decision and doing what he thought was right. And then I waited. I waited for that internal celebration that I won...a little fist pumping...but it didn't happen. Even though Derek ended up making the decision I had actually wanted, I had turned it so completely over to God that it was no longer about me or what I wanted. It was all about what God wanted for Derek. I had already reached a point days before where I was totally fine with whatever he decided.

So I learned a little more about myself and a little more about God. He showed that the way I'm most effective as a mother is when I allow Him to work through me to get to my boys. I must step out of the way. I have never felt closer to God and never more proud of Derek. He held fast to what he thought he needed to do and I held fast to Jesus. That's a pretty good combination.

Miracles Still Happen

I was in agony this past week. I had some kind of sickness that went deep into my bones. Every single part of my body ached; I would awaken at night in a pool of sweat and coughed so hard I thought my head and chest would explode. I literally laid around for 3 days and at times would groan out loud because I couldn't do anything thing else.

Friday afternoon, Zach sent me a text saying he was feeling bad and I prayed so hard he would not get what I had. So he came home laid around all evening and into Saturday...I kept praying. Saturday afternoon I sent Derek and his date off to the prom and I retired to the couch...again I was moaning and groaning. Finally, I went to bed feeling at my worst. It couldn't be possible to feel this bad after 4 days. I couldn't sleep, but my eyes burned from pure exhaustion. So I prayed. I asked God to simply heal me right now. I couldn't take it anymore.

After about an hour of prayer, my eyes popped wide open. I hadn't slept a wink, but felt like I just had a great night's sleep. I got up and walked into the bathroom...something was wrong...no something was very right. I kept looking at my fingertips. I couldn't believe it. All the pain, the arthritic feeling in my bones and the horrendous headache were all gone--just like that. It was like it all just slipped right out of my fingers. I stood there with my mouth hanging open...not believing it. I almost jumped up and down I felt so alive. I looked up and said, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Zach was playing basketball today and headed to youth this evening. He is feeling much better after less than 48 hours. Again, a perfect answer to my passionate plea. Sometimes God answers my prayers in ways I least expect and sometimes times I don't even hear from Him. And sometimes He send me a miracle. I could just picture Him last night smiling, kissing me on the forehead and saying, "Your still my daughter and I still love you." Boy, did I need that!

I'm Sorry

Derek called me a while back in a panic. He was trying to find his way to an appointment and was lost. I was shocked since he'd been there many times before. "How can you be lost?" I asked with irritation. "You've been there a million times." "I don't know, mom." He said. "But I'm tired of driving up and down the road. I've passed the same place 4 times." He was frustrated and upset that he was lost in such familiar territory. Finally, after he told me exactly where he was I guided him to this location. "Oh, I found it." The relief was evident in his voice. "Bye, mom." And he hung up.

About an hour later, I got a very unexpected call from him. He called for one purpose and one only. "Mom, I owe you an apology. I think my tone on the phone wasn't good when I called you earlier and I probably sounded disrespectful. I'm sorry." "No you didn't, honey, but thank you. You were just frustrated and so was I. You were not disrespectful at all."

That has stuck with me for a while--my boys aren't usually the best at apologies. They just act extra nice and try to smooth things over when they've done something wrong, but they don't come right out with the "I'm sorry" business. It's hard. It's humbling. Even as adults we struggle with this.

Yesterday, I was sitting on my patio reading for a bit before heading over to visit some dear friends. But I couldn't concentrate on my book--God was convicting me. I closed my book and walked upstairs to Derek, sat down next to him and said, "Derek, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got irritated at you yesterday. I had no reason and no right to act that way." I could see his whole body lighten up and he smiled really big. And then we knuckle bumped. It's almost as if he had been sitting up there at that very moment waiting for me. I had gotten upset over a little thing--he had changed his mind about something and it didn't sit well with me, but there was nothing wrong with it. I was just having a weak moment as a mom and sounded off a bit at him. But it is amazing what a humble apology can do for the soul and for a relationship. I need to do that more often.

I'm so thankful that God convicts me and is kind enough to encourage me as a mom by showing me how my own boys can teach me--how they can be my example on occasion. I hope I can continue to teach them and live out my faith, but also never forget that sometimes they have a thing or two to show me.

Turning Point

I am so thankful that God is kind enough to continue teaching me and revealing His wisdom to me. About a week ago, I was reading in Exodus and got to Chapter 5 where Moses had his first encounter with Pharaoh. As God instructed him, he insisted that Pharaoh release the Israelites. But Pharaoh was obstinate. He said who are you and your God to tell me what to do. So he punished the Israelites by taking away their straw to make bricks. He told them them must find their own straw now and still make the same number of bricks each day.

The Israelites were so upset they confronted Pharaoh and he dismissed them saying they were just lazy and to get back to work. On the way back, they confronted Moses and Aaron asking them why they interfered. "You have made us a stench to Pharaoh..." (Exodus 5:21)

As I was reading this, I was thinking, "They don't get it. Moses is their deliverer and all they are seeing is the problem right in front of them--they're only concerned about the straw." Then as clear as the hand in front of me, God said to me, "You are the Israelites. You are focusing on the straw." I was stunned.

I realized during my moments of pain, I was allowing the immediacy of my grief to distract me from my Deliverer and all that He's done for me and continues to do. I just sat there contemplating what God just revealed to me. I realized how true it was. I needed to put the stake in the ground and vow there was no turning back. Never again would I allow the enemy to take my thoughts captive and get me down and self-focused. Yep, I'm done. I'm ready to stay focused on where I'm going and not where I am at the moment.

So I went out to my back yard and got a piece of straw to lay on my desk where I work in the evenings. I want a constant reminder not to be focused on the straw. I want to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus regardless of my situation or the pain that occasionally traps me. It's done. I reached a turning point and there is no going back--ever. It feels so good. I'm deeply grateful for the living Word of God.

Welcome to Wal-Mart

I've become a greeter. I walked through the door a few weeks ago and the house was quiet - no one greeted me when I arrived. Both the boys were home, but one was on the computer and the other was in his room. I walked through the house and yelled that I was home and I got a few grunts and "hey mom." But they didn't rush to greet me. This is normal. They are 15 and 18 and have grown past the enthusiasm for their mommy arriving home.

But as I went to bed that night, God laid the idea of greeting them on my heart. I realized while they may not run to the door to greet me, neither do I for them. So I made a decision to change that. Now, no matter what I'm doing, I stop. I stop in mid e-mail or drop the potato I'm peeling and greet them each time they enter the house. I say, "Hey honey, it's good to see you" or something along that line.

They are none the wiser. I didn't tell them what God prompted me to do, but I hope it's one small thing I can do to let them know they are more important to me than anything else I may be doing. I want them to feel special. And that sweet moment at the door is very special to me. It's just one more way I can show them they are loved more than they will ever know.

I love my new job as a greeter. I don't say, "Welcome to Wal-Mart," but I do say, "Welcome home, my sweet boys. God loves you and so do I."

Eyes Wide Open

My eyes are wide open. I have this true sense of urgency to grab every moment with my boys, particularly Derek. He's almost 18 and I don't get much time alone with him. But this past Monday we volunteered together at the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition site. We worked side by side all afternoon picking up trash in the neighborhood. And I loved every moment serving with my firstborn.

What impressed me most about Derek was his hard work - he's just like his daddy. He never complained a single time that our job was to pick up garbage and he did all the heavy lifting whenever someone called. At one point, I looked up just in time to see him drop a stiff, dead cat in the bag - a job no one else would dare do. He stunk the rest of the day. At times, he can be totally a teenager, but on Monday he was my hero! And even after almost 4 years, I keep looking over my shoulder to share my joy with Jim. But he wasn't there! When will I learn...

Then Wednesday morning, I spent over an hour with a friend who is dying of cancer. She is a beautiful, vibrant lady who has only days to live. While visiting her, she told me of another mutual friend who died last year - I felt a stab to my heart. I couldn't get my head around his death. I'm still grappling with it a bit. Death for a believer is a pathway to eternity and a joyous occasion, but it still shakes me to my core.

But it does help keep my eyes wide open. I want it to mean something to me today. I want to live without regrets, with great passion and with an intense focus on eternity. And I want to grab every precious moment as if it was my last.