The Candy Dish

My grandmother died 9 months after Jim. She was a wonderful, godly lady who was more like a second mother than a grandmother. I loved being in her house and just hanging out with her. When I found out 3 months after Jim died that she had pancreatic cancer, I remember thinking that I would make sure she knew how I felt. I wrote her a letter and called her almost every week. We laughed and enjoyed our regular conversations.

I was thinking just last week as I returned from a visit with my family in WV, how much I still miss her after over three years. When I think of her, I smile. There is not a single sad emotion that comes to mind. She was the best grandma I could ever ask for. She lived just 50 yards from mom's house so I was over there all the time growing up. Even when I went back home to visit during my adult years, I couldn't wait to drop my things and head over to visit grandma.

There are certain things that are perfect and beautiful reminders of grandma--her old tin pan that she did all her mixing and odds and ends in and a candy dish. From the time I was old enough to remember being in grandma's house, the green candy dish was present and always filled with candy. I would often come in, grab a piece and lay down on the davenport as I talked with grandma about everything and nothing.

I am now the proud owner of both items and I couldn't be more delighted to have them in my possession. The candy dish has a prominent place in my kitchen and I continue the tradition of keeping it filled. I started out with one of my favorite candies--peanut M&Ms. Every time I walk through the kitchen and see the candy dish, I think of grandma and my heart is warmed.

I was thinking if I was called home today, were there people in my life who would have bad memories of me? How many would smile when they think of me? Have I done anything that I need to make right? I am continuing to give that deep thought to make sure the life I live keeps Jesus at the center and that I live Him out for all the world to see. When I fail, as I often do, I want to make sure I make amends. May I continue to show others the kindness that God shows me every day.

Brain Freeze

My brain hurt this week. Sometimes I get just a little too much on my plate and I can physically feel my brain screaming for relief. So by Wednesday, I hunkered down in a quiet house after the boys went off to Deeper Life and regrouped. I needed that. I didn’t want to write, read or use my brain for anything. All that I was dealing with was very good and inspiring stuff. I was in a super mood, but my brain just ached from overuse.

So I reviewed highlights from a book I had recently read, turned on ESPN to catch up on some sports news, and prayed. That may seem like an illogical sequence of events, but oddness of those 3 things brought great relief. God always finds a way to work into the tiniest crevices and bring great fulfillment. As I prayed I could feel a release of tension and a great calmness and peace that only my Father can give. I was then prepared for what He needed me to do next.

I have often said that we can’t get so busy doing God’s work that we forget to let God work. I don’t ever want to fall prey to that. I love to listen quietly to His still small voice and follow His lead. However, I can’t do that if my brain is hurting and I’m focused on a project at work, Christmas lists or anything else of such nature. I want to keep Him at the center no matter what.

This is a daily process for me. Each morning as I sweat on my Elliptical, I thank God that He allowed me to wake up and then I surrender my day to Him. Once I give the day to Him, I also surrender my wants, my thoughts, and my actions. Even if I allow Him to claim the day, I need to be aware that I can’t get in the way of what He wants to do by my preoccupation or desires. It’s a package deal.

Isaiah 55:6 comes to mind as I focus on Him. “Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.”

Balance and Bondage

Oh, my. This past week has been a real mama week...it’s been filled with challenges and good old-fashioned just trying to get it right. Being a single mom to two teenage boys has presented challenges that I’m just not always ready to handle. I have to stop in mid-track and wonder what the proper next step should be. How do I show grace and compassion, yet be firm in my resolve? How do I get to the root of the issue without sounding like a lecturer or interrogator? I’m getting better, but only by the grace of God.

Derek and I have been going at it. He is having trouble transitioning from being in the military to coming home under mom’s roof. I understand. I get it. I know that he wants to spread his wings, have some freedom and be his own man…and he is a man. But and there’s always a but. He must understand there has to be mutual respect. He makes good decisions and has a big heart, but oftentimes takes his frustrations out on me. This causes fights and hurts and low moments between us. So I learn that it’s about balance...balance in my approach and balance by backing off.

But here’s the rub. This past week, as tough as it’s been, is a whole lot less about friction between my firstborn and me and almost all about the faithful, guiding hand of my Master. Each time I ran into conflict, I prayed my way through it and went to God’s Word. He always revealed Himself to me in very real terms. On two occasions, there were epiphanies that either completely changed my course of action or gave me a clearer understanding of where Derek was coming from. I’m learning as fully as I’ve ever known in my life that there is no situation or circumstance where God cannot be intimately involved and transform it to greater heights.

There are still dark moments and tears from a mama who puts so much of her energy and prayer life into her boys, but as one of my favorite hymns goes…”I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.” Jesus couldn’t be more real to me if He were sitting next to me at the dinner table. Being a single mom and a widow keeps me so very reliant on Him for every breath as well as my very next step.

Several weeks ago, in a Beth Moore study, she mentioned being in bondage. I really camped on that for weeks. I took an inventory of my life to see where I held on to something or someone so closely that it interfered with my relationship to God. I really didn’t like the word bondage when Beth first used it. It seemed too ugly for my taste, but as I rested and prayed in this area, I found it was exactly the proper word to use and was also evident in my life. And I hated that it was. This past week, God showed me that I was actually in bondage to my firstborn. I held him so closely in my thoughts that I wasn’t allowing God to do the work He needed to do. Thankfully the “eyes of my heart” have been opened as only God can do. It makes my job so much easier to parent in conjunction with and not in front of God. That is always my intent, but not always my outcome. I’m thankful this day more than ever for God’s patience with me.

Don't Make Me Get Your Daddy

Jim is still very much a part of our lives. He may be in heaven, but he left behind his DNA in two sons and memories of his character that won’t be forgotten anytime soon. We joke about him and pull him into conversations quite often. He may not be here physically, but the laughter and joy that we get from making references to him makes him feel so real to us.

Derek and I were having particular fun this week. Often times, I will say jokingly when I know I need a little extra kick behind my statement, “Oh, don’t make me bring your daddy into this.” I said that last night to Derek as we were having some fun about something Derek said to me. Derek began to poke fun at me and I was pretending to be quite insulted and told him I was keeping a list because “there were a ton of things I needed to tell his daddy when I see him again.” Derek and I went back and forth with this for a quite while. He would say something and I would pretend to add it to my list. Even this morning, Derek called and kept the joke going…he said something and then finished my sentence for me...”Go ahead and add that to your list.” It was quite funny.

I always try to live with one foot in eternity and even jokes about their daddy help in this regard. It helps us as a family to remember that we will be reunited again one day and that heaven is a place not that far away. It is real and should be very present in our life. I still miss Jim deeply. However, I couldn’t be happier in the way God has allowed us to grieve in a healthy way and a way that keeps our perspective. I’m thankful for laughter and a fun-loving appreciation for Jim.

Starbucks and Donuts

There are many things I pray for very fervently. One of them is that I will continue to bond in a unique way with my 2 precious boys since they no longer have their daddy. God was kind enough to show me early on after Jim's death that I couldn't be everything to them. I knew I would need to invite others along our journey to help in the process. I am so incredibly grateful all that God has done on our behalf.

I believe He has answered my prayers, but I still must work hard at the relationship. Teenage boys are a unique breed. They like to be with their old mama one minute and the next really just want their space. I respect that. I've learned I must meet them where they are to keep the relationship fresh and engaging. A friend of mine recently said that you must listen to them and be there even if they say things that surprise you and make you want to kinda freak out. If I don't listen, they'll go to someone who will.

I also must do things that they love to do. I still wax nostalgia for running in the park, going to the zoo and biking. But they are on to other things. Not long ago I heard a story of a little kid who asked his very busy mom how much she made an hour. When she told him, he left the room and came back with that exact amount. "Can I buy an hour of your time?" I hope I'm never to busy for my boys. But I do buy their time on occasion. It's part of meeting them where they are.

We all love mocha's at Starbucks, so sometimes late on a Friday or when I think we haven't been together as a family enough, I offer to drive them to get coffee together. They almost always say yes. A couple of Saturdays ago, we met at 2 in the afternoon to eat a dozen donuts and have coffee. I know that sounds weird, but it's what they love to do. And I love to be with them!

So I press on to stay as involved as they'll let me without being overbearing. And oftentimes, I gather us together on common turf so we can hang and have good dialogue. They think their mom is just silly and spontaneous. That is true, but more than anything, I'm intentional about how much I want to be intimately involved in their life.

I'll never stop praying for God to give me wisdom and to just give me opportunities to hang with them. He is good and faithful in this regard.

Eternal Habits

I have some habits I need to break. The closer I draw to God, the more He reveals things that may seem like “little sins,” but they’re not. The consequences might not be as great as other “big sins,” but they all fall into the sin category to our holy God.

But other habits are good ones. As God weans me off of some, He moves me to develop new ones and these always have Him at the center. These habits bring endless joy. These habits are eternal.

Lately, I’ve had a few things happen that on the surface would appear disappointing or just not what I wanted. One example involves my oldest son. Derek came back from boot camp too late to start a fall semester in college so he is registered and ready to go for January. It appeared God was generous enough to drop 2 jobs right in his lap for the time until he started school. He was thrilled. However, the most important of the 2 jobs has fallen through, so he has time on his hands that he wasn’t expecting. I was disappointed for him.

However, God had something else in mind. Because of his down time, he has been around the house more than ever. He and his brother do a ton of stuff together and have grown very close. He and I have also had so much time together. I see him each day at lunch; he calls me many times during the day; and we’ve had wonderful conversation...good, healthy, deep dialogue. Several evenings over the past couple of weeks, my 18 and 15 year old boys actually dragged out board games for us to play. I am fully aware that this will not last for long, so I soak it all in with a grateful heart.

But…if I wasn’t in the habit of looking for God at work in disappointment, I would have missed all that He was doing. I could have gone to Him questioning why he took away a job; instead I’m praising Him for glorious family bonding time. Derek and I couldn’t be getting along better. I am thankful for God's ordination in our family and how He guides me to toward revelation in how He works.

So I’m gonna keep honing the habit of looking up when I’m down and finding God’s magnificence displayed in every single situation. Habakkuk 3:18 says, “Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”

Freedom in Forgiveness

Sometimes life is heavy. Sometimes the collision of emotions and events sends me to my knees in a New York minute. But that’s okay. It’s a good place to be. But sometimes, I let the devil get a foothold. Sometimes I allow him to manipulate me into reacting and doing things that are otherwise ungodly and very unhealthy. And it’s even worse when the person on the receiving end is someone I dearly love. That happened last week.

So what did I do when I sinned? If just my thinking is unwholesome in any way, it hasn’t hurt anyone. I get into God’s Word and have Him straighten me out before my thoughts go to my heart and my heart to my lips. He’s very good about teaching me and convicting me. However, when I allow mental manipulation to manifest itself toward someone else, I must take complete responsibility. And that’s what I did.

I went humbly before the person I hurt and gave a very honest admission of why I did what I did and then asked for forgiveness. It is very scary to lay yourself out like that because there is always the chance someone you love will think less of you and reject your pleas for forgiveness. Thankfully, that’s not what happened. The person graciously accepted not only my apology, but accepted me for who I am...pitifully broken at times.

As I went before God to ask for forgiveness as well, I poured out before Him all that was inside me that contributed to my behavior. It was very freeing and comforting to know that the God I serve has an endless supply of grace for me. I am lucky that there are people in my life who offer me grace, but I know as we live in the flesh, it’s not endless like God’s. So I must learn and correct as a part of repentance...truly turning away from the sin that so easily entangles. That I intend to do.

I know when I’ve personally forgiven someone, which I also did recently, that too is very freeing. You know longer are help captive by this person regardless of how small the issue may appear to be. Your world is no longer colored by your sin of an unforgiving nature. Oh, what a wonderful spiritual gift to give and receive forgiveness.

Micah 7:18 “Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.”

Extraordinarily Ordinary

Sometimes life seems ordinary. I follow a fairly regular routine each day taking Zach to school, working, and doing the normal evening activities. This past week was just one of those weeks. I did the same stuff I do every day and every week. Normally that's fine with me. I like regular. I like routine.

But in the midst of ordinary, God was extraordinary. He allowed me to have some wonderfully deep and insightful conversations; He guided me to a couple major decisions; He convicted me and then encouraged me to act on that which He taught; He brought on a few more challenges. He did all of this in one ordinary week.

Sometimes I feel a deep itch to step way outside myself. To do something really radical and leave ordinary. But then I remember that God has me right where He wants me. I try to move at His speed and according to His timetable. I have a habit of wanting to move when I feel like it or just because...that usually doesn't work out so well though. I find my most extraordinary moments are the ones totally ordained and in sync with God.

As I'm typing this, I had to pause for a quite a bit. I had a wonderful conversation with Derek. I was telling him about something that was bothering me deeply. It wasn't even about him, but he got it. Through tears and discussion, I found him most helpful and attentive. We saw eye to eye and it was a very precious moment for me to see the maturity in his thought process. I so love both my boys and being with them. Tonight I got one more taste of the incredible man my firstborn is becoming.

I'm thankful for my ordinary life and my extraordinary God!

Hitting Hebrews

I spent a lot of time in Hebrews this week, particularly chapters 10-12. I was working through an issue that required me to be humble and just let some things go. I was okay with this. However, there was something bigger at play and God took me to Hebrews to show me what it was. Being meek does not mean being weak.

God showed me in Hebrews 10:23 that I am to "hold unswervingly" to my faith; to be confident in verse 35; to persevere in verse 36 and not to shrink back in verse 39. As I moved on to chapters 11 and 12, God reminded me to stay fixed on Him no matter what and that He has something much better planned for me than my current circumstances. As I finished up, I camped on 12:29..."for our God is a consuming fire." Yes, He is!

So I immediately applied what God showed me by acting firmly and boldly in my faith regardless of the outcome. I was so very thankful that God took me past my desire to just be humble and brought me to the point of realizing that there is never ever a reason not to stand up for my Jesus and the Biblical principles under which He requires that I operate.

I have tremendous peace regarding the issue I was dealing with this past week. And I am breathing sweeter air as a result of God's loving guidance.

Spontaneous Combustion

This past week has been a pure delight. There were so many wonderful moments with my Savior that made me smile and kept me dancing. The week started with a difficult issue, but God quickly used it to reveal Himself to me once again. He is so faithful in that regard. And every single time, I wait and wonder. He shows up and I could kick myself for ever doubting. Then I want to shout with joy from the mountaintop, because I saw Him once again in His glory and majesty right next to me.

But the best part of my week came in those small acts of obedience I talk about so often. God called me very spontaneously on quite a few occasions in the course of 7 days to do something for Him. Sometimes it involved time, a call, money or some form of service. They were all small things, but I was called very abruptly to do all of them. It wasn't until the end of the week that I put them all together and realized how often God had called upon me. And the best part was that I responded. I don't always get it right...this week I happened to be listening.

By the time I strung the acts of kindness together, I thought I was going to pop. I felt so full. I was thanking God that He was present enough in my life to ask me to use what He had given me. In my Esther Bible study this week, I was in the 4th chapter with the most famous verse of the book..."And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" (v 14) I thought...I am called to a purpose in whatever position I find myself, but it's most often to affect one life at a time, one day at a time...a random act with eternal rewards. I hope God sees fit to use me more and more until I explode in spontaneous combustion.