Merry Christmas

Christmas keeps my perspective. I enjoy hanging out with my boys as we celebrate the birth of our Savior and just goofing off around the house after opening presents. But this year, the season has brought a different challenge for me. I’m working through the continued struggles of my suffering.

My biggest surprise related to my grief, by far, is how intense the pain can still be after 3 years. It’s a different kind of pain with a different kind of weight. So as I cry and pray through it, I immerse myself in the Word and look for a deeper understanding. I’m simply not content with the expression “it is what it is.”

God has entrusted me with this pain, therefore, He has something He wants me to learn from it. And I have learned a lot thus far. But I long to go deeper and crave a greater wisdom from my Lord. The other night as I crawled into bed, after a particularly difficult day, God spoke to me through Colossians 1:24. Paul felt privileged to “fill up my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions…” I meditated on this passage and read from Matthew Henry’s commentary where he said that “we do but slightly taste the cup of afflictions of which Christ first drank deeply.”

So I know that must take up my cross after the pattern of Jesus and carry it obediently and joyfully. Period. I have to work on this…I try, but quite often fail in this regard. But what better example can I be to others if I do not let the weight of my burden crush me? Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9...“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

So I must continue to live by what I know and not by how I feel. The pain can be debilitating at times and can make me respond totally outside my character. But then I breathe deeply and remember Who lives inside me and from where I get all my strength. And quite often I’m running on strength that is not my own.

I am so very thankful that God sent His Son to die on my behalf. He paved the way for me to stay eternally-focused and remember that my suffering is nothing compared to Christ’s and besides, this world is not my home…I’m just a passin’ through.

May God give you His peace on this wonderful and blessed day as we celebrate our Lord coming down out of His glory to become one of us. “Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift.”(2 Corinthians 9:15)

Friendships and Blessings

I almost never do back-to-back blogs, but sometimes the significant explodes and I’m compelled to share. A few months after my husband died, I decided to write a book about him for the boys. At one point during my writing, my eyes were opened to all that God was doing in my marriage to prepare me for his death. I stopped, lifted my fingers from the keyboard, and prayed to God that I would never see Him in my rearview mirror again. I wanted to see Him boldly every day from that day forward. And I have.

My words cannot express all the intricate ways God is weaving the tapestry of my life. I scare can take it in. Very often, He chooses in His abundant mercy to bless me in ways that make my heart want to explode. One of the ways He has done that is through a journey I’ve been taking with a dear, sweet friend of mine.

God has chosen to intersect my life with some pretty incredible people and I can never thank Him enough for my friends. One very, very special friend of mine is in the process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. Over the past week, she has been waiting anxiously for “the call”--the big call where she receives confirmation that the adoption was official and her travel dates are set. Well, she got that call yesterday afternoon. My heart truly burst with joy when I spoke with shortly after the call.

How often in our relationships have we nodded and said we were excited about something and then a few minutes later went about our business without it actually affecting us? We just go through the perfunctory nodding and head tilting and then move on. Yes, I stand guilty as charged. I’ve done that on occasion.

But not this time! I find my thoughts consumed by her joy as if it were my own. I am honored that God has intersected our lives and allowed me to share in this great journey of obedience with her. The blessing it has brought to me is incredible. I do not feel called in the area of adoption, but boy I am having a ball supporting my dear friend in her journey. I love to watch God work the lives of others as well as in my own.

I pray that God blesses her new daughter in a uniquely special way! She surely has one very special mama headed to pick her up. And I, for one, can’t wait to welcome her home!

41 Days In

When I felt called to immerse myself in God’s Word, particularly the Old Testament, by reading it all in 90 days, I was very excited at the prospect. But, to be honest, I wondered as I moved toward my goal if it would become a burden...a chore…a challenge that I just wasn’t up to. On average, my plan requires 15 chapters a day. For me, that’s a solid hour or more depending on how much I dig on any particular day.

Well, I’m 41 days in and I have to be very honest--it is life-changing. I have given up reading the newspaper, so I start my day reading a few chapters over breakfast, then a few more over lunch and then if I have plans for the evening, I have been known to read while making dinner. And I can’t begin to tell you the affect it has had on me to be in God’s Word constantly all day long.

Someone asked me late last week how my week was and I responded, “Very full. Not full with running around, but filled with Jesus.” I see Him in the most unexpected ways almost every single day. He fills me, encourages me and moves in ways I never would have imagined. And I’m convinced that being saturated by His Word for the last 41 days is a large part of His movement. I look so forward to my reading each day that I even read ahead on occasion.

Last night after I finished reading the bible by the fireplace, I went upstairs to our bonus room to catch up on some other reading. As I read, the boys were wrestling with each other. They were getting along better than ever. And have been for days. I laughed as I listened to my 85-pound second born, Zach, taunt his 160-pound brother. Derek had already proved he could whip him with just one hand. It was hysterical. And I made the mistake of saying at one point when Zach had Derek by the neck, “Be careful, Zach--don’t hurt your brother.” As soon as that came out of my mouth, we all laughed at how absurd that was. But of course Zach was all over that. He continued with the smack to his brother, “Did you hear that…yes, you heard right…I have to be careful not to hurt you!”

So, yes, I’m convinced, God’s living Word is rubbing off even on my boys’ behavior. Well...maybe that's just wishful thinking on the part of this optimistic mom.

No Sign No More

The unexpected seems to be the norm in my Walk. God moves and I think He’s headed in one direction and then I have to make a U-turn. He never changes His path for me, but I begin to see more clearly what He’s doing. It’s so much fun traveling with my Savior.

In July, right before heading to Africa, I felt a clear calling to put my house on the market. After a few months with little activity and no perspective buyers, I began to wonder what God was up to. So one afternoon in September as I was taking my walk in my neighborhood, I talked with God about His timing and purpose regarding the house. It was then that I heard His Spirit say to me, “I just wanted to see how quickly you would obey.”

I realized then it was not at all about selling my house, but about obedience. It was about choosing between holding on to a beautiful home with great sentimental value or putting my faith completely in my Lord. So I breathed deeply and smiled at this great teachable moment with Jesus. However, I left it in on the market and waited until I heard from Him to do otherwise.

Well, God moved in me today to make a very big financial decision and to surrender more and more of my ways to Him. And along with this decision, I felt the time was perfect to take the house off the market, so I called my Realtor today as well. As I approached the house this evening, I asked Zach, "See anything different about the house?" He fist pumped and said, "Yes, there's no sign in the yard." Many of the things God has been teaching me lately have all fallen neatly into place…they seemed unrelated months ago, but now are perfectly clear.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating over and over…obedience is the only way to live. I find peace and joy that knows no bounds by walking in sync with my Maker. Even when I divert and go Germaine’s way, He lovingly brings me back and folds my errors perfectly into His great plan. Oh, how I love Jesus!

My decisions often seem to go against conventional wisdom, but I don't care. As one of my favorite songs goes...I'm giving in to something heavenly.

Frosties and Cell Phones

I while back, our family made a commitment to claim the first Monday of each month to serve dinner at a homeless shelter for families. I look so forward to that time serving with my boys. Those evenings really help keep our perspective.

This past Monday, we all headed out to serve right after school. We stop at the same Wendy's on the way each month. I hate fast food, but acquiesce on these evenings just so we can spend more time together. I let them order anything they want, including big frosties. The bill came to $22 . My eyes popped. “How can 3 people spend $22 at a fast food joint?” They just smiled and said it must be the frosties that sent it over the top.

So we sat there and ate and joked around like we always do. After finishing my meal, I read to them from the 5th and 6th chapters in Galatians. I reminded them of how they need to live in the Spirit and not fall into the sins of the world. They nodded and seemed to get it, but Derek complained the whole time that he was getting brain freeze from his frosty, so who knows how many seeds were actually planted in that sweet little head of his.

As we chatted back and forth, the conversation of cell phones became a big discussion. They both hold on to their phones like they’re gold, play with them incessantly and complain that they need new ones. Well, a friend of mine had just sent me an e-mail about treating our bibles like we treat our cell phones, so I challenged them with a few questions:

1. What if you ran back to get your bible anytime you forgot it?
2. What if you flipped through your bible many times a day?
3. What if you used your bible so much, you wore it out and needed a new one every few months?

We talked about God’s Word being the center of their life like their cell phones. They got a bit red-faced and admitted that’s the way it’s supposed to be. When we were all done, Zach said, “Okay, I have an idea. If you get me a new bible, you can throw in a cell phone.” I think he missed the whole point! That kid...always with the jokes...I wonder where he got that from?

Being Mama

I spent several days over Thanksgiving visiting my family in West Virginia. It is always a blessed time to reconnect and catch up with everyone. Having our entire family all gathered at my mom’s just hanging out, drinking coffee and eating for 3 days is all good.

However, my most precious moments came from spending time with my 2 boys. It’s an 8-9 hour drive, so we often get a hotel to break up the trip. This time, we stayed at our favorite hotel going and coming. It has a mall and restaurants across the street and an indoor pool and hot tub. We love just chillin' and relaxin'.

We each do what we love to do when we get there. After shopping and eating, Zach and I sit in the hot tub or swim and Derek watches sports and talks to his girlfriend. He used to swim with us, but the girlfriend has trumped swimming with mommy and little brother. Then we all gather in the room—I read and they fight over the TV. But we have a ball nonetheless. We steal each other’s pillows, I send Derek on 20 errands for ice, tea bags, something from the car, etc until he's fried and Zach sits around just thinking up ways to pick on Derek and me. He thinks he’s so funny…we try not to encourage him.

As we ride in the car, hang out in the hotel or just grab a moment or two at the family gathering, we steal incredible intimate family time that is truly priceless. Mostly we act goofy and just plain out have lots of fun. There are moments of serious conversation and great dialogue, but we do most what we love to do more than anything—laugh!

I am particularly mindful, though, that our opportunities to spend time together like this are going to be fewer and fewer as Derek moves toward his post-graduation journey. So I hold onto this gift and pray that as we put Christ at the center, the bond will only get better.

As I approached Indy yesterday on the drive home, both boys were zonked out in their seats. I had a very quiet drive for a few hours. I turned off the radio and just prayed. I thanked God for all that He has done for us and most of all I thanked Him for the precious gift of my 2 sons. They fire me up; they make me howl with laughter; they bring me great joy, but most of all they allow me the chance to love them with all my heart and soul.

Next to being God’s disciple, I love being mom to Derek and Zach more than anything else. It makes me wonder…if I love being their mom that much, how much more does my Father in heaven love to love me?