Embracing Change

A couple of days ago while walking, I dipped back into my memory bank to the summer of 2000. Jim and I had signed a contract to buy a manufacturing company, but after deeper thought, changed our minds. This prompted the owner to close it down. She offered us both severance packages and we were both out looking for jobs in June. Two and a half months later, we were in Atlanta with an offer Jim received. But I have the sweetest memories of that summer.

The boys were 6 and 9. Every day we would throw the bikes in the back of the truck and head to a beautiful park with lots of wooded walking and bike trails. We biked, hiked, ran, and just had a wonderful time. One day, we took a kite and we all took turns seeing who could keep it up the longest. The boys loved it and so did we. It was pure heaven for me—being outdoors and spending every single day together as a family.

Boy have things changed since then. My husband is now with his Father and my boys are 15 and 18. If I asked them to go for a bike ride they look at me like I’m speaking a new language. Their interests have changed. Derek is primarily focused on hanging with his friends, but I’m still Zach consummate playmate…tennis, pitching softball or whatever he wants. Our relationships are solid, but they don’t get excited about the same things they did 9 years ago. That’s normal…but sometimes it’s hard for their poor old mama.

I don’t hearken back too often, but when I do, I remind myself to embrace the ever changing dynamics of our family. And I get there by remembering that God has me right where He wants me. There is a reason He has chosen this path for our family. He has higher things in mind that aren’t always evident to me. But I trust in His sovereignty over each moment of my day.

Yesterday, the three of us spent most of the day together just hanging out and today I went to lunch with Derek. I have learned to meet them where they are. If the two of them are playing Xbox, then I go upstairs and just sit in the same room. Derek loves to eat, so I enjoy making his favorite breakfast or going out to eat when it works. No, they don’t jump up and down anymore when I say we’re loading up the bikes and going to the park, but they still love life and I still love them…more today than I did yesterday.

Present in the Moment

I am working hard to condition myself to be present in each moment of the day that God gives me. I have found with months and months of practice it is becoming a more natural state for me. I often stop and regroup to enjoy a precious moment regardless of where I am.

Lately, my prayer has been to enjoy every single connection point that God gives me with Derek. He is leaving for Basic training in two weeks and I want to treasure all the time we have before he leaves. I want to be intentional about our conversations and even my demeanor when we are together. I don’t want to be rushed or let a moment slip by. God has been very good to give me so many wonderful moments…specific conversations over dinner, great texting fun, laughter on the phone, and deeper moments of intimacy as he sits on the edge of my bed in the evening after returning home.

Yesterday, we were on the phone and he said, “Oh, mom, I’ve been meaning to follow up with you on a decision you were making…have you made it?” God had just given me clarity about this issue the day before, so I relayed that to him. He went on to share where he felt God was leading me and then commented, “Mom, you know more about the Bible than any other Christian I know.” That is not true, but his perception is that his mama loves God’s Word. That is definitely true and that he has this image of me makes my heart do flip flops. I’m gonna miss him more than I can put in to words. My eyes start to water just thinking about it.

And then there’s Zach. By far, I spend more time with him than Derek, but that’s ‘cause he can’t drive and is beholden to me to chauffer him everywhere. And we have a great relationship. He is so cute and has become my little 5’2”-90 lb. walking conscience. He is often telling me things that he thinks I need to work on. He starts out by saying, “Mom, please don’t be offended, but…” And the worst thing is…he’s almost always right. I do treasure my time with him immensely and try to be present in the moment with him as well.

Last night I had to catch myself. I was in bed reading and he was doing homework on the laptop in another room. He started singing so loud and so off key that I couldn’t concentrate. I read the same line 5 times. Finally, I yelled, “Zach…dude…you’re killing me.” He walks in my bedroom with laptop in hand and says, “What…can’t be in a good mood in this house?” So I was caught. “Please…I’m sorry…go ahead…sing for me honey.” So he hands me the laptop and starts singing and dancing in front of the mirror--still loud and still off key. It was truly very funny and I was glad to enjoy that moment.

It’s the small stuff…it’s always the small stuff that makes my day and can break my day. I want it to define my joy, knowing it all comes from God.

Psalm 16:8-11… “I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

True Surrender = True Joy

True surrender evolves. The rewards get better each time I more fully understand what it means to truly give something over to God. I don't do it as often as I need to, but the intimacy that comes with complete surrender is unmatchable.

Last week, Derek came to me and informed me he was in the process of making a major life decision that was in complete contrast with my wishes. He also informed me as he thought through things that he didn't want my input. He said he needed to do this one on his own. I was stunned. I'm his mama...he knows how much I love him...why wouldn't he want my advice? But he didn't. We had a bit of an emotional discussion...actually, I got emotional...I did the talking...he just listened and then said his mind was made up about deciding on his own.

So I wrestled a bit with this and then turned it completely over to God. I prayed with absolute confidence that God would guide him not only in this decision, but in his life as he makes these major steps. My confidence in God in this situation was unyielding. I quickly gained not only a deep peace, but joy as well. I told Derek I couldn't wait to see what God had planned for him...he just smiled. And I waited for his decision.

When Derek finally informed me of his decision, it ended up being exactly what I had originally wanted. I smiled and told him I was so proud of him for praying about his decision and doing what he thought was right. And then I waited. I waited for that internal celebration that I won...a little fist pumping...but it didn't happen. Even though Derek ended up making the decision I had actually wanted, I had turned it so completely over to God that it was no longer about me or what I wanted. It was all about what God wanted for Derek. I had already reached a point days before where I was totally fine with whatever he decided.

So I learned a little more about myself and a little more about God. He showed that the way I'm most effective as a mother is when I allow Him to work through me to get to my boys. I must step out of the way. I have never felt closer to God and never more proud of Derek. He held fast to what he thought he needed to do and I held fast to Jesus. That's a pretty good combination.

Miracles Still Happen

I was in agony this past week. I had some kind of sickness that went deep into my bones. Every single part of my body ached; I would awaken at night in a pool of sweat and coughed so hard I thought my head and chest would explode. I literally laid around for 3 days and at times would groan out loud because I couldn't do anything thing else.

Friday afternoon, Zach sent me a text saying he was feeling bad and I prayed so hard he would not get what I had. So he came home laid around all evening and into Saturday...I kept praying. Saturday afternoon I sent Derek and his date off to the prom and I retired to the couch...again I was moaning and groaning. Finally, I went to bed feeling at my worst. It couldn't be possible to feel this bad after 4 days. I couldn't sleep, but my eyes burned from pure exhaustion. So I prayed. I asked God to simply heal me right now. I couldn't take it anymore.

After about an hour of prayer, my eyes popped wide open. I hadn't slept a wink, but felt like I just had a great night's sleep. I got up and walked into the bathroom...something was wrong...no something was very right. I kept looking at my fingertips. I couldn't believe it. All the pain, the arthritic feeling in my bones and the horrendous headache were all gone--just like that. It was like it all just slipped right out of my fingers. I stood there with my mouth hanging open...not believing it. I almost jumped up and down I felt so alive. I looked up and said, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Zach was playing basketball today and headed to youth this evening. He is feeling much better after less than 48 hours. Again, a perfect answer to my passionate plea. Sometimes God answers my prayers in ways I least expect and sometimes times I don't even hear from Him. And sometimes He send me a miracle. I could just picture Him last night smiling, kissing me on the forehead and saying, "Your still my daughter and I still love you." Boy, did I need that!