Christmas Joy

Christmas brings different kinds of joy for everyone. I am continually amazed in ways outside my capability to express at the magnificent gift of salvation. It makes me long for heaven and gives me a heart of great thanks. I express my joy in my faith to the boys quite often and at 18 and 15 they sometimes think I’m a little corny. I understand, but there’s nothing corny or insignificant about love for Jesus. When I bought a new car a few weeks ago, it had a spot for a plate on the front, so I was excited to have one more way to proclaim my faith. I bought a bold plate in red and blue that says, “Jesus is Lord.” The boys just roll their eyes. They think I overdue it sometimes. I don’t.

This Christmas day was purely delightful for me as I hung out with the boys. They both loved their gifts…we made wings, grilled steaks, and ate chocolate pie. We have all three become coffee drinkers, so we made several pots and just goofed off all day long watching movies and hanging out. I delight in these days. Usually by the next day, I feel a bit of cabin fever and want to get out, but I didn’t on the 26th. I was just happy being with Derek and Zach. They bring me great joy! We did pop out and about to shop a little and have some fun, but ended up back at the house late in the afternoon to hang out some more. We watched WVU basketball and ran out to pick up some dinner. I know this all sounds boring to the average person, but I love these days. I am fully aware that time with just the three of us is thinner and thinner.

So it’s Sunday and my heart is full. I felt called to visit a new church this morning. The message was so on target and so perfectly in line with all that God has been showing me that I stand fully present in this moment—a moment of joy and delight as He continues to bless me, teach me, and bring me peace without end. Thank you, Jesus!

Heart Choices

I recently finished a book about the heart. The essence of the book discussed the things that contaminate our heart and steal our life. At first blush, I read through the four areas and thought I didn't have a real problem with them, but I was wrong. God showed me otherwise. It's one of those books that made me think more after I put it down than during the read.

The book not only outlined four areas that affect our heart, but also gave Biblical responses to defeating them. These weaknesses and their corresponding truths are: anger - forgiveness, greed - generosity, guilt - confession and jealousy - celebration. As I reflected on each of these, I realized I had elements of each in my heart. And the proper reaction can truly defeat them. I wrote them down and keep them on my desk to remind myself of how to keep those monsters at bay.

If any element of anger arises, I remind myself that I need to forgive the person that causes the anger. When I feel a bit too tight a grip to my worldly posssessions, then I must not only analyze how I'm spending my money, but give more generously today than I did yesterday. It will loosen my hold. When guilt creeps into my actions by filling up my time with things that I think I should do to please people, then I confess to my Lord that I need to get more centered on His will. And when I find myself wanting something I don't have that someone else possesses, I celebrate in what God has done for them and delight in all that He has given me.

Sometimes, it's not always easy putting those truths into action, but I have found that habits can correct the heart. I may not feel exactly pure in my motives in the beginning, but my intent will catch up with my actions and then my heart will change. I want God to have complete control of my heart (the place no one sees). In order for Him to have it, I must remove any barriers to Him. My favorite line from the book sums it all up..."What we need is a heart that can keep pace with our outward obedience."

2 Chronicles 12:14 "He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the LORD."

Chasing God

I finished a book this past week called Chasing Daylight. There were many parts in it that were very compelling and made me begin to focus on how I can use every moment God gives me to His benefit...not mine. I am very intent on not getting too caught up in my job or the routine of my life that my light becomes dull through a mediocre existence. I want no part of that.

God taught me this week, as I reflected on some recent ungodly behavior by godly people, that the obedience He requires of me is not dictated on the reaction of others. I had to pray through the fact that if I do what I know God wants me to do, but the reaction of some is less than I expected, it's okay. I'm not a people pleaser...I'm a God pleaser. When I find myself desiring something from someone that I do not get, I ask myself if I'm centered on God or others. This keeps my perspective and quickly shifts my priorities. It's very healthy for my spiritual life...not necessarily easy, but essential.

So in the book, the author asks the question--"What would our lives be like if God were the source of all our inspiration?" I've fixed myself on that question as it relates to the smallest details of my life. God lives in the mundane...He lives and moves in the ordinary. And as the author when on to say..."When we choose to seize divine moments, we create an environment where others are unleashed to fulfill their God-given potential." I want to be a part of God's plan to help others see Him and become all they can be through glory strength sent directly from the Throne.

God showed me this week, just when I was thinking I was less than I should be, that He had me right where He wanted me. As long as I walked in obedience, the reaction of others (intentional or not) has no bearing on how I should live my life. It continues to be freeing to live wholly and completely sold out to Him.

The Candy Dish

My grandmother died 9 months after Jim. She was a wonderful, godly lady who was more like a second mother than a grandmother. I loved being in her house and just hanging out with her. When I found out 3 months after Jim died that she had pancreatic cancer, I remember thinking that I would make sure she knew how I felt. I wrote her a letter and called her almost every week. We laughed and enjoyed our regular conversations.

I was thinking just last week as I returned from a visit with my family in WV, how much I still miss her after over three years. When I think of her, I smile. There is not a single sad emotion that comes to mind. She was the best grandma I could ever ask for. She lived just 50 yards from mom's house so I was over there all the time growing up. Even when I went back home to visit during my adult years, I couldn't wait to drop my things and head over to visit grandma.

There are certain things that are perfect and beautiful reminders of grandma--her old tin pan that she did all her mixing and odds and ends in and a candy dish. From the time I was old enough to remember being in grandma's house, the green candy dish was present and always filled with candy. I would often come in, grab a piece and lay down on the davenport as I talked with grandma about everything and nothing.

I am now the proud owner of both items and I couldn't be more delighted to have them in my possession. The candy dish has a prominent place in my kitchen and I continue the tradition of keeping it filled. I started out with one of my favorite candies--peanut M&Ms. Every time I walk through the kitchen and see the candy dish, I think of grandma and my heart is warmed.

I was thinking if I was called home today, were there people in my life who would have bad memories of me? How many would smile when they think of me? Have I done anything that I need to make right? I am continuing to give that deep thought to make sure the life I live keeps Jesus at the center and that I live Him out for all the world to see. When I fail, as I often do, I want to make sure I make amends. May I continue to show others the kindness that God shows me every day.

Brain Freeze

My brain hurt this week. Sometimes I get just a little too much on my plate and I can physically feel my brain screaming for relief. So by Wednesday, I hunkered down in a quiet house after the boys went off to Deeper Life and regrouped. I needed that. I didn’t want to write, read or use my brain for anything. All that I was dealing with was very good and inspiring stuff. I was in a super mood, but my brain just ached from overuse.

So I reviewed highlights from a book I had recently read, turned on ESPN to catch up on some sports news, and prayed. That may seem like an illogical sequence of events, but oddness of those 3 things brought great relief. God always finds a way to work into the tiniest crevices and bring great fulfillment. As I prayed I could feel a release of tension and a great calmness and peace that only my Father can give. I was then prepared for what He needed me to do next.

I have often said that we can’t get so busy doing God’s work that we forget to let God work. I don’t ever want to fall prey to that. I love to listen quietly to His still small voice and follow His lead. However, I can’t do that if my brain is hurting and I’m focused on a project at work, Christmas lists or anything else of such nature. I want to keep Him at the center no matter what.

This is a daily process for me. Each morning as I sweat on my Elliptical, I thank God that He allowed me to wake up and then I surrender my day to Him. Once I give the day to Him, I also surrender my wants, my thoughts, and my actions. Even if I allow Him to claim the day, I need to be aware that I can’t get in the way of what He wants to do by my preoccupation or desires. It’s a package deal.

Isaiah 55:6 comes to mind as I focus on Him. “Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.”

Balance and Bondage

Oh, my. This past week has been a real mama week...it’s been filled with challenges and good old-fashioned just trying to get it right. Being a single mom to two teenage boys has presented challenges that I’m just not always ready to handle. I have to stop in mid-track and wonder what the proper next step should be. How do I show grace and compassion, yet be firm in my resolve? How do I get to the root of the issue without sounding like a lecturer or interrogator? I’m getting better, but only by the grace of God.

Derek and I have been going at it. He is having trouble transitioning from being in the military to coming home under mom’s roof. I understand. I get it. I know that he wants to spread his wings, have some freedom and be his own man…and he is a man. But and there’s always a but. He must understand there has to be mutual respect. He makes good decisions and has a big heart, but oftentimes takes his frustrations out on me. This causes fights and hurts and low moments between us. So I learn that it’s about balance...balance in my approach and balance by backing off.

But here’s the rub. This past week, as tough as it’s been, is a whole lot less about friction between my firstborn and me and almost all about the faithful, guiding hand of my Master. Each time I ran into conflict, I prayed my way through it and went to God’s Word. He always revealed Himself to me in very real terms. On two occasions, there were epiphanies that either completely changed my course of action or gave me a clearer understanding of where Derek was coming from. I’m learning as fully as I’ve ever known in my life that there is no situation or circumstance where God cannot be intimately involved and transform it to greater heights.

There are still dark moments and tears from a mama who puts so much of her energy and prayer life into her boys, but as one of my favorite hymns goes…”I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.” Jesus couldn’t be more real to me if He were sitting next to me at the dinner table. Being a single mom and a widow keeps me so very reliant on Him for every breath as well as my very next step.

Several weeks ago, in a Beth Moore study, she mentioned being in bondage. I really camped on that for weeks. I took an inventory of my life to see where I held on to something or someone so closely that it interfered with my relationship to God. I really didn’t like the word bondage when Beth first used it. It seemed too ugly for my taste, but as I rested and prayed in this area, I found it was exactly the proper word to use and was also evident in my life. And I hated that it was. This past week, God showed me that I was actually in bondage to my firstborn. I held him so closely in my thoughts that I wasn’t allowing God to do the work He needed to do. Thankfully the “eyes of my heart” have been opened as only God can do. It makes my job so much easier to parent in conjunction with and not in front of God. That is always my intent, but not always my outcome. I’m thankful this day more than ever for God’s patience with me.

Don't Make Me Get Your Daddy

Jim is still very much a part of our lives. He may be in heaven, but he left behind his DNA in two sons and memories of his character that won’t be forgotten anytime soon. We joke about him and pull him into conversations quite often. He may not be here physically, but the laughter and joy that we get from making references to him makes him feel so real to us.

Derek and I were having particular fun this week. Often times, I will say jokingly when I know I need a little extra kick behind my statement, “Oh, don’t make me bring your daddy into this.” I said that last night to Derek as we were having some fun about something Derek said to me. Derek began to poke fun at me and I was pretending to be quite insulted and told him I was keeping a list because “there were a ton of things I needed to tell his daddy when I see him again.” Derek and I went back and forth with this for a quite while. He would say something and I would pretend to add it to my list. Even this morning, Derek called and kept the joke going…he said something and then finished my sentence for me...”Go ahead and add that to your list.” It was quite funny.

I always try to live with one foot in eternity and even jokes about their daddy help in this regard. It helps us as a family to remember that we will be reunited again one day and that heaven is a place not that far away. It is real and should be very present in our life. I still miss Jim deeply. However, I couldn’t be happier in the way God has allowed us to grieve in a healthy way and a way that keeps our perspective. I’m thankful for laughter and a fun-loving appreciation for Jim.

Starbucks and Donuts

There are many things I pray for very fervently. One of them is that I will continue to bond in a unique way with my 2 precious boys since they no longer have their daddy. God was kind enough to show me early on after Jim's death that I couldn't be everything to them. I knew I would need to invite others along our journey to help in the process. I am so incredibly grateful all that God has done on our behalf.

I believe He has answered my prayers, but I still must work hard at the relationship. Teenage boys are a unique breed. They like to be with their old mama one minute and the next really just want their space. I respect that. I've learned I must meet them where they are to keep the relationship fresh and engaging. A friend of mine recently said that you must listen to them and be there even if they say things that surprise you and make you want to kinda freak out. If I don't listen, they'll go to someone who will.

I also must do things that they love to do. I still wax nostalgia for running in the park, going to the zoo and biking. But they are on to other things. Not long ago I heard a story of a little kid who asked his very busy mom how much she made an hour. When she told him, he left the room and came back with that exact amount. "Can I buy an hour of your time?" I hope I'm never to busy for my boys. But I do buy their time on occasion. It's part of meeting them where they are.

We all love mocha's at Starbucks, so sometimes late on a Friday or when I think we haven't been together as a family enough, I offer to drive them to get coffee together. They almost always say yes. A couple of Saturdays ago, we met at 2 in the afternoon to eat a dozen donuts and have coffee. I know that sounds weird, but it's what they love to do. And I love to be with them!

So I press on to stay as involved as they'll let me without being overbearing. And oftentimes, I gather us together on common turf so we can hang and have good dialogue. They think their mom is just silly and spontaneous. That is true, but more than anything, I'm intentional about how much I want to be intimately involved in their life.

I'll never stop praying for God to give me wisdom and to just give me opportunities to hang with them. He is good and faithful in this regard.

Eternal Habits

I have some habits I need to break. The closer I draw to God, the more He reveals things that may seem like “little sins,” but they’re not. The consequences might not be as great as other “big sins,” but they all fall into the sin category to our holy God.

But other habits are good ones. As God weans me off of some, He moves me to develop new ones and these always have Him at the center. These habits bring endless joy. These habits are eternal.

Lately, I’ve had a few things happen that on the surface would appear disappointing or just not what I wanted. One example involves my oldest son. Derek came back from boot camp too late to start a fall semester in college so he is registered and ready to go for January. It appeared God was generous enough to drop 2 jobs right in his lap for the time until he started school. He was thrilled. However, the most important of the 2 jobs has fallen through, so he has time on his hands that he wasn’t expecting. I was disappointed for him.

However, God had something else in mind. Because of his down time, he has been around the house more than ever. He and his brother do a ton of stuff together and have grown very close. He and I have also had so much time together. I see him each day at lunch; he calls me many times during the day; and we’ve had wonderful conversation...good, healthy, deep dialogue. Several evenings over the past couple of weeks, my 18 and 15 year old boys actually dragged out board games for us to play. I am fully aware that this will not last for long, so I soak it all in with a grateful heart.

But…if I wasn’t in the habit of looking for God at work in disappointment, I would have missed all that He was doing. I could have gone to Him questioning why he took away a job; instead I’m praising Him for glorious family bonding time. Derek and I couldn’t be getting along better. I am thankful for God's ordination in our family and how He guides me to toward revelation in how He works.

So I’m gonna keep honing the habit of looking up when I’m down and finding God’s magnificence displayed in every single situation. Habakkuk 3:18 says, “Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”

Freedom in Forgiveness

Sometimes life is heavy. Sometimes the collision of emotions and events sends me to my knees in a New York minute. But that’s okay. It’s a good place to be. But sometimes, I let the devil get a foothold. Sometimes I allow him to manipulate me into reacting and doing things that are otherwise ungodly and very unhealthy. And it’s even worse when the person on the receiving end is someone I dearly love. That happened last week.

So what did I do when I sinned? If just my thinking is unwholesome in any way, it hasn’t hurt anyone. I get into God’s Word and have Him straighten me out before my thoughts go to my heart and my heart to my lips. He’s very good about teaching me and convicting me. However, when I allow mental manipulation to manifest itself toward someone else, I must take complete responsibility. And that’s what I did.

I went humbly before the person I hurt and gave a very honest admission of why I did what I did and then asked for forgiveness. It is very scary to lay yourself out like that because there is always the chance someone you love will think less of you and reject your pleas for forgiveness. Thankfully, that’s not what happened. The person graciously accepted not only my apology, but accepted me for who I am...pitifully broken at times.

As I went before God to ask for forgiveness as well, I poured out before Him all that was inside me that contributed to my behavior. It was very freeing and comforting to know that the God I serve has an endless supply of grace for me. I am lucky that there are people in my life who offer me grace, but I know as we live in the flesh, it’s not endless like God’s. So I must learn and correct as a part of repentance...truly turning away from the sin that so easily entangles. That I intend to do.

I know when I’ve personally forgiven someone, which I also did recently, that too is very freeing. You know longer are help captive by this person regardless of how small the issue may appear to be. Your world is no longer colored by your sin of an unforgiving nature. Oh, what a wonderful spiritual gift to give and receive forgiveness.

Micah 7:18 “Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.”

Extraordinarily Ordinary

Sometimes life seems ordinary. I follow a fairly regular routine each day taking Zach to school, working, and doing the normal evening activities. This past week was just one of those weeks. I did the same stuff I do every day and every week. Normally that's fine with me. I like regular. I like routine.

But in the midst of ordinary, God was extraordinary. He allowed me to have some wonderfully deep and insightful conversations; He guided me to a couple major decisions; He convicted me and then encouraged me to act on that which He taught; He brought on a few more challenges. He did all of this in one ordinary week.

Sometimes I feel a deep itch to step way outside myself. To do something really radical and leave ordinary. But then I remember that God has me right where He wants me. I try to move at His speed and according to His timetable. I have a habit of wanting to move when I feel like it or just because...that usually doesn't work out so well though. I find my most extraordinary moments are the ones totally ordained and in sync with God.

As I'm typing this, I had to pause for a quite a bit. I had a wonderful conversation with Derek. I was telling him about something that was bothering me deeply. It wasn't even about him, but he got it. Through tears and discussion, I found him most helpful and attentive. We saw eye to eye and it was a very precious moment for me to see the maturity in his thought process. I so love both my boys and being with them. Tonight I got one more taste of the incredible man my firstborn is becoming.

I'm thankful for my ordinary life and my extraordinary God!

Hitting Hebrews

I spent a lot of time in Hebrews this week, particularly chapters 10-12. I was working through an issue that required me to be humble and just let some things go. I was okay with this. However, there was something bigger at play and God took me to Hebrews to show me what it was. Being meek does not mean being weak.

God showed me in Hebrews 10:23 that I am to "hold unswervingly" to my faith; to be confident in verse 35; to persevere in verse 36 and not to shrink back in verse 39. As I moved on to chapters 11 and 12, God reminded me to stay fixed on Him no matter what and that He has something much better planned for me than my current circumstances. As I finished up, I camped on 12:29..."for our God is a consuming fire." Yes, He is!

So I immediately applied what God showed me by acting firmly and boldly in my faith regardless of the outcome. I was so very thankful that God took me past my desire to just be humble and brought me to the point of realizing that there is never ever a reason not to stand up for my Jesus and the Biblical principles under which He requires that I operate.

I have tremendous peace regarding the issue I was dealing with this past week. And I am breathing sweeter air as a result of God's loving guidance.

Spontaneous Combustion

This past week has been a pure delight. There were so many wonderful moments with my Savior that made me smile and kept me dancing. The week started with a difficult issue, but God quickly used it to reveal Himself to me once again. He is so faithful in that regard. And every single time, I wait and wonder. He shows up and I could kick myself for ever doubting. Then I want to shout with joy from the mountaintop, because I saw Him once again in His glory and majesty right next to me.

But the best part of my week came in those small acts of obedience I talk about so often. God called me very spontaneously on quite a few occasions in the course of 7 days to do something for Him. Sometimes it involved time, a call, money or some form of service. They were all small things, but I was called very abruptly to do all of them. It wasn't until the end of the week that I put them all together and realized how often God had called upon me. And the best part was that I responded. I don't always get it right...this week I happened to be listening.

By the time I strung the acts of kindness together, I thought I was going to pop. I felt so full. I was thanking God that He was present enough in my life to ask me to use what He had given me. In my Esther Bible study this week, I was in the 4th chapter with the most famous verse of the book..."And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" (v 14) I thought...I am called to a purpose in whatever position I find myself, but it's most often to affect one life at a time, one day at a time...a random act with eternal rewards. I hope God sees fit to use me more and more until I explode in spontaneous combustion.

Jesus Freak

I recently finished the book Shadow of the Almighty. It was a biography about Jim Elliot written by his wife Elizabeth. The bulk of the book was a reflection of Jim through his letters and journals. It was truly one of the most profound books I’ve ever read. And I read a lot. I am wholly convinced of God’s ordination in even the most ordinary parts of my life. So when He brings a book to me that affects me so deeply, I know there must be a lesson there for me.

Jim was the ultimate Jesus freak! I aspire to have his kind of faith. His life was a testament of living completely and passionately sold out to Christ, so that nothing distracted him from his purpose or competed with his energies to fulfill what God had in mind for him. Jim felt very called to go to Ecuador and bring the gospel message to the Auca Indians…they were a very savage and primitive tribe. Jim died a martyr’s death on the river bank at the hands of the very people that he cared for so deeply.

Oftentimes, as I read Jim’s reflections on how God was moving in his life and the struggles that he faced, I would find myself actually groaning out loud in delight due to the depth of his words. He lived a life of complete obedience and said, “Obedience is the test of whether we really live “in God” or not.” He wanted to keep his heart fixed on Jesus and said that we must, “Walk as if the next step would carry you across the threshold of heaven.”

He realized more fully than anything else that he was nothing without Christ and his life was not his to live. One night as he stood under the beautiful sky, he looked up and said, “Oh, the fullness, pleasure, sheer excitement of knowing God on earth. I care not if I ever raise my voice again for Him, if only I may love Him, please Him.” And one morning at a later date he wrote, “So father with happy committal I give you my life again this morning—not for anything special, simply to let you know that I regard it as yours.”

Jim’s life inspired me in a way that will be with me forever. I long to live with the faith that allows unbridled devotion to my Savior and with an energy that can’t be depleted by earthly woes. I hope to find my delight completely and fully in Christ. As Jim said, “It does not say (in the Bible) He will give you what you want. It does say He will give you "the want." Delight in Christ brings desire for Christ.”

God's Soldier

Derek is back home! He spent all summer at Ft. Benning, GA in Basic training. On Friday, he graduated as an Infantryman. I am so very proud of him. I'm proud that he felt called by God to serve his country when there is almost no military background on my side or Jim's side of the family. I'm proud because he never quit, never wanted to give up and never stopped doing his best while he was down there. He is truly my hero!

But most of all I'm proud because he loves Jesus! While he was at Basic, he found time to read over 12 books of the Bible. When no one was around to push him to stay in God's Word, he still did. When his days were long and tiring, he still found time to read. When he was homesick, he still read. When he was pumped and building relationships, he read some more. He posted the scripture cards I sent to him on the inside of his locker and stayed focused on his faith. He gets it.

As I released my son for the summer and turned him over to God, God showed up. He proved over and over that He can take better care of my son than I can and He can sustain and encourage him when I'm not around. My heart is full. I'm so thankful for God's faithfulness and that Derek's foundation is solid. I delight in God's Word and want the same for my boys. It seems my prayer has been answered.

Both my boys are home and we are enjoying the same fun things we always did...picking on each other, goofing off and just hanging out. I am thrilled to be reunited as a family again and know that God will continue to be the center of our lives. He is our Father and Husband and guides all that we do. I remain confident in His plan for us individually and as a family unit.

May God bless our family; and God bless America!

The Language of Love

Last weekend, Zach and I had a great time at a family camp in Springhill with dear friends. It is three days filled with swimming, zip lining, biking and worshipping. It’s fabulous! During one of the worship sessions, we talked about the five languages of love: Physical touch, Words of affirmation, Gifts, Acts of service, and Quality time. We were to gather as a family and reveal which of these languages we most used to express our love and therefore how we like to have others show us love. I express love mostly in words of affirmation and service, but like to receive expressions of love in words of affirmation and quality time. Zach’s was clearly gifts.

So this week I decided to show him some love. When I picked him up from school on Tuesday, I had a little bag with three of his favorite candies inside. On the outside, I wrote “I want to show my baby some love in the language he understands. I love you, mom!” He smiled really big as he opened the bag, “This is great, mom.” The next day I put his favorite beverage in the same little bag. He opened it and groaned in pleasure as he took a long sip. “I’m so glad we went to Springhill.” He said in a deep throaty voice. He was so pleased. On day 3, I had another one of his favorite drinks. At that point, he couldn’t even voice his joy. He panted and whispered in an almost inaudible voice as he reached for the bag. “I adore you, mom.” On Friday, I had a movie waiting for him that we had just talked about. He was delighted!

I spent almost $15 on gifts for my baby this week, but his reactions and joy was truly priceless. It was so much fun. I wanted him to know that I listened to him and understood what makes him tick. Christmas is by far his favorite time of year. He begins talking about the gifts he wants in September. But he also begins thinking early about what gifts he’s gonna give as well. I’ll have to work on him a bit, though, on giving me love in my language. On one of the days, after he was obviously elated, I just looked at him and said, “So…???” He looked at me and said, “I guess you want some words of affirmation?” I paused and waited. He, then, said without missing a beat, “I’ll let your friends do that.”

Grave Sites, New Daddies & Adoption...

Zach and I have really good, deep conversations sometimes. And those are great! But often I find out his thoughts in random ways. He makes a comment that seems a little silly at the time, but reflects what’s on his mind. He tells me I’m the queen of random, since I will often just say something that is totally off track from the conversation at hand—I must accept the moniker he has bestowed on me since it’s so true. We are far too much alike.

This morning on our way to school, Zach asked where he’ll be buried when he dies. So we discussed that my spot has already been paid for. I’ll be cremated and in the same plot as daddy. I told him I’d love to have him and Derek near us, but that was their decision. However, at the end of the day it didn’t really matter where we were buried on earth, because we’d all end up together in heaven. That seemed to satisfy him.

Then the conversation went on about the potential of a future husband for me. He continued to emphatically state his opposition to this as quite frankly not even an option up for discussion. I told him that I was not seeking, but if God put someone in the path of our family than I could guarantee he would be happy with God’s plan. He wasn’t picking up what I was laying down, but acquiesced for the moment…that was progress in and of itself.

The conversation took one more turn and he began to talk about adoption. I told him I did not feel a calling in this area. He said he thought it would really be cool to have a black brother or two right around his age. He wanted to know all about the process. Do we get to pick their age? How do the adoption agencies match them to us? And on and on he went. He wanted to know if I’d send them to Covenant or Danville schools and began to talk as if it were in the works. Then he ended the conversation as we approached his school saying, “Wow, we could really surprise Derek when he gets home.”

I smiled as he closed the car door with his backpack strapped on. It was great conversation with my precious 15-year old that I could have missed if I dismissed his initial comment as just too random for my attention. I read a book a while back that addressed this very thing—taking all these seemingly sporadic moments as golden opportunities with your child. God moves in their minds and hearts differently than He moves in ours…I don’t want to ever miss what’s He’s doing in their lives.

But I did miss one a while back. We got back from a mission trip in late July and had the joy of getting to know a family of 7 that went on the trip with us. On the way home, Zach said, “You know mom, all our friends have big families. We don’t. We don’t even seem like a family, but just two people living together.” I smile when I now repeat it and it’s become a bit of a tag line, but there may have been something deeper there that I missed altogether. I’ll get back to you on that one…I need to pick that back up with Zach at a later date.

Phone Calls and Football

God’s been challenging me in a lot of ways lately, but He is also very kind to fill me up with sweet pleasures out of the blue. This past Friday, I missed a call from Derek and was so sad since I haven’t talked to him since we were there to visit. But last evening my phone vibrated during devotions at small group. I looked down to see it was an incoming call from Georgia. My heart skipped a beat; I was so excited. I felt pure delight as we talked and even after I hung up. I know there was an afterglow on my face. It made my whole day.

And earlier that day, I was watching Zach play in the back yard with a few friends. I could just see him from afar and tell that he was in pure heaven hanging out and playing with his great friends. I was thanking God for the gift of life and for bringing boys along side Zach that bring him so much joy. I was delighting in God and all that He is to our family.

I want to hold on to that delight as I head into the week. Zach loves sports and loves me to pitch football to him. He begs me to play almost every evening after dinner. He will even start on the way home from school, “Think we can play football tonight, mom?” I always say something along the same lines… “Probably, let’s see.” I find I love to play with him and very thankful that my 15-year old still enjoys sports with me, but sometimes I’m just tired and want to chill with a book. So I answer slightly in the affirmative with wiggle room to let me off the hook if I so choose.

Yesterday as I was visiting with a neighbor, she said that she saw Zach and me in the backyard the other evening. She said watching me, as his mother, throw the football to him brought tears to her eyes. That touched me. I never thought that a simple act of playing sports with my second born could affect someone else.

I thought last night and this morning that those precious opportunities that God gives me with my boys, friends, or a neighbor should never be wasted. As a matter of fact, God had told me that a few days ago when He gave me this Scripture - Ephesians 5:15-16 “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”

Living Water

I've been camping on John 7:38 for the last two days. "Whoever believes in me, as the scriptures has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." I was was intrigued with the idea of streams of water flowing. I was thinking yesterday what that really looks like for me when I wake up each morning.

If "Jesus is the well that won't run dry. Jesus is the drink that satisfies" as we sang in church this morning, then how is that expressed in my everyday life. If I believe it (and I do), then what am I doing and how am I living that creates a desire in others to have that same living water flow inside them? I meditated on that Friday night and all day yesterday.

Today at church as we studied out of the 18th chapter of 1 Kings where God showed up mightily in a rain of fire on the alter to prove He was the one and only God, I wrote the question: What is my Baal? I thought...what is my false god...what interferes in my relationship with Jesus Christ that forces the living water inside me to go from a stream to a trickle?

God clearly brought two things to my head and heart. Both are intangibles. One is a character flaw that must be stomped on and disposed of once and for all and the other is actually something I thought brought me closer to Him, but in fact, has recently been drawing me away. I never realized that until today. Both will not disappear without a great deal of prayer and meditation, but I am convinced on the other side, there is a new Germaine just waiting.

I was thinking what I would look like with both of these issues gone from my life forever. The thought is captivating. Wow! How deep I could go with my Savior? I can't wait to find out. In the meantime for those of you who read my blog, please pray for me. It is going to be a very, very tough road for me to let go of things I been living with for years and years. But I am determined with my God to have beautiful streams of water flowing within me and from me for all the world to see.

35 Hours of Family Bliss

Zach and I hit the road on Thursday afternoon. We were headed to Columbus, Ga to visit Derek at Ft. Benning. He had a 35-hour pass and we had him on our minds. Nashville was our old stomping grounds ten years ago and that just happened to be half way. We pulled in Thursday night and I was not expecting the intensity of the emotions that began to fill me. The familiar sites and signs brought back such a wonderful flood of memories…then the painful tears wanted to come. Those memories involved four people and now we are a family of three. But that’s my bubble. I stay on it all the time. The immense joy…then the pain of my loss…it’s just my life.

We got in to Columbus late Friday afternoon and scouted out the area before getting Derek the next morning. I was so pumped to see him. Zach was excited, but he is a 15-year old boy and doesn’t get all giddy like his mama. By the time I began driving through the base a little before 9am on Saturday, I was shaking. Derek saw me from afar and began running to me. He said he couldn’t miss me with my pink “Army Mom” shirt and all.

It was pure joy for me over the next two days. We laughed, we told stories, goofed off and we ate…we ate a lot! I was thinking how wonderful it was to be with both my boys every single minute of the day. I remember that being such a special part of our mission trip to Mexico in 2007. From the time we boarded the plane, we spent 24 hours a day together for 8 days…that’s exactly how all day Saturday and Sunday was. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. And as I chatted with Derek, I learned he loves the idea of serving his country as much as ever and has stood firm in his faith against the tide of his unit. He is a solid young man with a very big heart. I could not ask for much more!

I could still feel the bubbling affect of my joy as I sat down to eat dinner with Zach last night after arriving home. I just giggled at every silly comment he made. And then the giggles turned into full blown howls where I couldn't catch my breath and tears streamed down my face. My stomach hurt…but it was a good hurt.

I was thinking today about living more fully in priority and with the same level of joy that I felt for those 35 hours.

Psalm 30:11-12 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.”

In Motion

I always feel like I’m in motion. God always seems to be on the move in my life. He challenges me, teaches me, and convicts me. This keeps me mighty busy. I was thinking this past weekend that there always seems to be something that He is asking me to work on. My mind is always trying to sync up with my heart and connect with exactly where God wants me to be. It’s a 24-hour a day process that would appear exhausting on the surface, but I find quite exhilarating.

The latter part of last week wasn’t the best for me emotionally, but God never stopped working. He reminded me that He is challenging me to fight through difficult times so I can be stronger and more able to fight other battles that He has in mind. So I keep at it. I pick myself up and fix my eyes in that holy direction. I just keep moving. If I stop, I don’t grow. If I’m not moving forward, then I’ve accepted my character just as it is. No, that’s not an option.

I also want my boys to see that movement as well. I want them to shape their thinking around God’s way of thinking. So in letters to Derek and conversations with Zach, I speak boldly about issues they face as teenage boys. I remind them that the wisdom I bring to them is not mama’s opinion, but God’s instruction. I want them to catch the hard stuff and have their character shaped by it.

So I have to stay in motion. They need to see me living it first, and then they need to claim it for themselves. Zach and I have had some pretty tough conversations lately about boy teenage stuff that can get a bit tricky for a mama to address, but I go at it unrelentingly. I will never assume they understand the Biblical perspective on something. I want them to hear it from my lips.

When Derek writes to me from Basic training camp and lets me know he’s finishing his 12th book of the Bible and can’t wait to share with me what God has been teaching him, I know that God is on the move with him as well. I know that he caught some of what he’s witnessed in my life, some of what we’ve discussed and has been open enough to let God in to work.

So I stand here in glorious celebration of God’s movement in my life and that of my boys. I’ll keep at it and hopefully He’ll see fit to use me a bit along the way.

Falling So I Could Stand

There’s an old saying that goes ”If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” I’d like to think that as I go through life, I stand up for Jesus. I’d like to think that what He tells me is important is what truly drives me. I’d like to think that I don’t fall easily. I was confronted with that reality last Thursday on my mission trip.

I had such an incredible week serving. I loved the relationships that I developed, not only with team members, but with the owners of the home I worked on. I sat quietly each day and asked God to teach me and He did. And I had a lot of fun…I laughed at times until tears streamed down my face. I felt joy and was greatly blessed.

On Thursday morning, I was on the roof of a house where I had been all week. We put a tin roof on one side and were now working on the other side. It was raining so we worked intermittently between the rain drops. At one point, I was on the edge of the roof as I crouched down to put the last row of screws in a 3 foot piece of tin. My left foot slipped. As I tried to catch myself, my right foot hit the wet tin and in seconds I realized both feet had slipped and I was going down. In that moment, I looked down and saw that a deck and metal table below were about to greet me. Pure terror went through my veins. I remember thinking, “This is it.” And then I fell.

The pain that encompassed my body was worse than child birth. As I laid on the gurney in the ER for over 2 hours, I just talked to God. He taught me about my attachment to this world. He revealed areas of my life that I held on to a bit too tightly. I knew things needed to change. I was so thankful for that time with Him and that teachable moment that changed my perspective.

Later, the doctor told me not a thing was broken and I was free to go. I was still in great pain, but I was healable. I was up walking and talking and felt such joy and freedom that by the time I reached the parking lot of the hospital, I was dancing. I know without out a doubt, I fell into the arms of Jesus. I did not actually bounce off a deck as my team members witnessed. I’m sure it just looked like that to them.

So I may, at some point, physically fall again, but have pushed my faith stake deeper in the ground and I will always stand up for my Jesus! Two scriptures come to mind as I think about this world - Ecclesiastes 2:11 "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind: nothing was gained under the sun." and Psalm 127:1 "Unless the Lord builds the house, it's builders labor in vain."

I must concentrate on the things in this world that have eternal value...nothing else much matters.

Loving Deep in the Mountains

Zach and I just got back on Friday from our mission trip to Frakes, KY. It's on the border of TN in the Appalachia mountains. It was an awesome trip serving the poor in that area. I was blessed beyond measure in all that God taught me, the relationships that were formed and the joy of helping create a better home for several needy families.

The day before I left, God opened my eyes to the heart of neglected children in a way that was seared deep within. A few weeks ago, I realized all the letters I was sending Derek while he was in Basic training were not getting to him because I had the address wrong. I was so haunted by the fact that my firstborn spent the first four weeks not getting a single letter from me and thought I didn't care enough to bother writing. The pain was very difficult for me to pray through, so I knew there was a lesson in that. I asked God to reveal it to me.

Last Saturday, I was watching a video on friend's blog about how orphans are often brokenhearted because they may never get a birthday card from family and then later that night I began reading a book about a guy who spent his adolescent years in abusive foster homes. He said, "My only real sadness was that no one in my family every tried to make contact with me." I began to cry. I felt their pain. I could only think of the deep hurt that must have gone through my son's heart and he only had to go four weeks without hearing from me...what if he had to carry that same pain for a lifetime. It was almost more than I could bear.

As I sat in Frakes, KY on Sunday night listening to the pastor speak from Isaiah 6, I could feel my heart begin to ache again. He quoted Isaiah when he responded to God by saying, "Here I am. Send me!" (v8) Each time I leave Danville to serve, I am gripped by the fact that my mission is the same whether I'm here in Indiana, Kentucky, Mexico, or Africa.

I am called to serve and to love with all my heart. This life is not about me! "Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

Happy Birthday To Me!

Forty-five years ago today, God blessed me with the gift of life. I look back and think...wow, where did all those years go? I don't know how many more years I get to enjoy before God calls me home, but I do know I'm delighted to be right here, right now.

I was on "poop patrol" earlier today. We have two labs, so it seems I spend quite a bit a time in the back yard cleaning up. Today as I strolled around looking for landmines, I found myself just grinning from ear to ear...for no particular reason. I was just happy to be alive and was delighting in the day.

Each day seems to be a opportunity to experience Jesus in a new way. Yesterday morning a very unexpected large check showed up in the mail, so God led me to give almost half of it away and put the rest in the bank. Last night, Zach was all wound up and was in my bedroom until after midnight sharing all kinds of things with me. I love those moments we spend together. And today, I had such a deep level of peace and joy that I can't explain.

I know Jesus is the reason for how I feel when there is no earthly reason I should feel the way I do. My circumstances haven't changed all that much, but my body and soul are one with absolute contentment. That's when I know that He came all the way down out of heaven just for me.

Late this afternoon, I received an e-mail from a friend that just thrilled me. I was thinking that God is not only great, but He is very, very good. I pray that I remain fixed on Him now and forever.

Oh, today was wonderful...to many it would appear that nothing much exciting happened, but it was my very special gift straight from heaven and I don't intend to take that gift for granted. It is my favorite day of the week. And when tomorrow becomes today, it, too, will be my favorite day of the week.

Seeking Him...4 Years and Counting

Four years ago today, I became a widow. There are days when it seems like just yesterday, but mostly it feels like a million years ago. I've moved! Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually to a place of security and peace. That is completely and wholly a result of waking up every single day with an intention to seek Jesus.

People often ask me if I'm staying in Danville long-term or whether I'll move when Zach graduates (in 3 years). I don't have an answer. My journey has been extraordinary, thus far. God has exploded in my life in incredible ways and it is because of my intention to stay fixed on Him and His plan that I don't ponder the future too much. I find the small daily acts of obedience begins to lay a plan for the week and the month and then before I know it, I'm standing somewhere I never expected.

A few months after Jim died, there was no doubt in my mind I would leave Danville by the following summer. But four years later I'm still here. Last year, I ended up on the continent of Africa for 18 days and I just came back from Mexico. But most of all God has led me straight to Him...to His promises...to His presence...to His loving arms. It moves me!

I still have days where the grief is gut-wrenching and I long for Jim's embrace and the wonderful way he made me feel. But I look up and know that God is all-consuming. He will fill me up when no one else can. He will remain faithful when I'm disappointed elsewhere. And time and time again, He has shown His mighty power as He's moved in my life.

I have one single goal and that is God, Himself. All else will be added unto me.

Biking On Holy Ground--Mexico Part 6

Our final day before leaving for the states was a fitting conclusion to a great experience. We arrived late in the morning to one of the children’s homes and loaded up 30+ kids on a bus with us to go to the park. We are each assigned two kids—I had the delight of hanging out with Kevin and Jonathon.

When we got to the park, we rented bikes for all the kids. The look on their faces as they were each handed a bike was so priceless. They were ecstatic and eager to get on with the fun. But we they had to all line up and wait until everyone had their bikes. We all positioned ourselves in a sea of bikes waiting to take off. The signal was given and my boys were gone.

It took me several laps around the park to connect with them. I would ride with one for a bit and then catch up with the other and ride with him. It was great fun as we rode through sprinklers, over bridges and up little embankments to shortcut a trip back to the shelter where we gathered. I quickly realized there is no language barrier when you’re riding bikes. The boys spoke no English and I spoke only a smattering of Spanish, but we had a ball and were able to “talk” to each other the entire time.

After a few hours, we turned our bikes in and had lunch together. What a treat! The tacos were delicious and the kids were delighted to be able to finish and go back for seconds. We handed out many tacos, fruit drinks and snacks. I walked around after eating and just hung out with many of the kids taking pictures and playing. Many, including my Kevin, loved sitting by the lake watching the ducks. The joy on their faces and contentment in their eyes made me want to keep that day going forever.

But eventually, we had to bid farewell. They got on one bus and we got on the other. Several were crying and many just waved and waved until we got out of sight. It was very sad.

On the bus ride home, I was just reflecting on the whole week and wishing I didn’t have to hop on a plane the next morning. I wanted to stay. There were times I felt as if I were on holy ground with those kids. I was sure God had blessed them in ways I have never felt or could put into words. He was doing a good work in them. My heart was full.

I totally immersed myself in my experience down there. I did not make phone calls or check e-mails. I had no idea what was going on around the world and didn’t really care. As our bus approached the Back2Back campus, someone from the front of the bus yelled, “Oh, my gosh. My friend just texted me. Michael Jackson died.” The only thought that went through my head as the buzz on the buss began was how totally irrelevant that was to me.

May God continue to bless those children who I had the honor of meeting. He promises many things for orphans…

Exodus 22:22-23
Deut 10:18
Deut 14:29
Psalm 10:14,18
Psalm 68:5
Psalm 82:3-4
Psalm 140:12
Isaiah 37:17
Isaiah 49:15
Isaiah 63:9
Jeremiah 49:11
Hosea 14:3
John 14:18
John 10:3
Romans 9:15

I know He never goes back on His Word and that gives me great comfort.

A Servant By The River--Mexico Part 5

Wednesday was the most powerful day of the entire week for me. We travelled to visit a squatter’s village called Meme’s Rio. Rio is Spanish for river. When the poorest of the poor have nowhere else to go, they build their homes along the river since this is government property and considered useless land. The government rarely kicks them off; thus they have a place to call home.

This particular village is built along side a trash dump. That is the means of support for many who live there. They scrounge through the trash to find stuff to resale or recycle to make a buck or two a day. It is a painfully poor village with little hope.

We had the honor of having lunch with the residents, handing out clothes to the ladies and toys to the kids. But the highlight of the day for me was the prayer walk. We were led by Cathy, one of the staff members. She has a real heart for the village. As we walked along, we prayed generally for protection for the kids and for the hope of Jesus to take hold. We also thanked God that due to the drought the grass was low, so it was a deterrent for people to hide in the tall grass and molest the children when they got home from school.

We also had the joy of praying specifically for several residents who came out of their homes. We prayed for jobs, for a deaf girl’s perseverance, a young girl’s foot that was sliced from the bottom to the top by glass in the river, and that demons would leave the home of a lady who has battled so much. We also prayed for a prostitute and her 2 young kids who we did not see. She works during the night and keeps the kids locked inside the home during the day while she sleeps.

I was deeply moved and profoundly impacted by the stark contrast in my daily prayers versus those we prayed on that Wednesday. I pray that my youngest son’s flight arrives safely in Phoenix, that God watches over my oldest in boot camp, and that He blesses relationships in my life. All of these prayers are valid, but I went to my knees humbly before God asking that He change me from the inside out, so I never forget the blessed life I live as opposed to the deep poverty of so many around this world.

I’m so very thankful for people like Meme who I met while there. She lives in Rio as her calling in life to care for these people. She could live in much better conditions, but chooses to live among the poor and serve them. She is a great servant of God and it was my great privilege to spend time with her.

Jesus, Our Only Hope--Mexico Part 4

We spent Monday and Tuesday at an orphanage very close to the Back2Back campus. We walked there each day. It was at this home where we worked on several projects including painting steps to their chapel, scrubbing chairs and tables, installing a fence and new clothes line. As I worked and sweated, I felt so honored to be able to help in some small way to give these kids a better life.

We worked hard and played hard. On Monday, we had a birthday party for a bunch of the kids and handed out presents. They were loving life. Watching them smile and then get slightly embarrassed when they had to open their gift in front of everyone was so charming. They were precious beyond belief.

But I was most impacted by the story from one of the staff members. He said that this home used to be great spiritually, but their chapel was falling a part, so there was no worship time. It was affecting the whole home. So recently Back2Back came in and repaired the roof and put in new windows. We got to put the finishing touch on by scraping and painting the stairs that lead up the hill to the church. Since the renovation, it has become a place of great pride and a spiritual revival appears to be on the move. But the staff member asked that we continue to pray for this home.

Later that day before we left, I ascended the hill to the chapel and just sat there taking in the beautiful scenery and praying for these kids. As we had our small group time later that night, I still couldn’t get it out of my mind. As I began to reflect on that prayer time on the hill as the highlight of my day, I couldn’t help but cry. I had to hold back what I thought was going to be a flood of tears. All I could think was that these precious children and their smiles and all that we are doing for them would mean nothing without the hope of Jesus. And I wanted that for them more than anything else.

So I continue to pray that they come to know Jesus and place all their future hope and joy in Him. Our theme in our daily devotions was “shelter.” And Psalm 91:1-2 became my prayer for them…”He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.”

Welcome Party--Mexico Part 3

We were welcomed Saturday upon our arrival by having the pleasure of dining and playing in the pool with the kids from one of the homes. It was a blast. We were challenged to step outside our comfort zones, get involved and just love on the kids. That was easy!

The pool on the Back2Back campus was so packed with kids that you could hardly turn around without bumping into 2 or 3 of them. I played with many, but spent extra time with a few in particular. On the surface they seem like perfectly normal kids just wanting to have fun and goof off, but each of these kids has a story. They were all abandoned by their parents and now call an orphanage home. They have attached to the other kids as sisters and brothers. It was an honor to splash around with them, hug them and just pour myself into them for one afternoon.

At one point, I got out of the pool and just sat in a chair to take in the beautiful scene in front of me—laughter, smiles, fun, splashing…I see all that the Back2Back ministry is doing on behalf of these kids and I know that with the hope of Jesus, warm food in their belly and love from many that they have a much better chance for a full life.

The next day we were all challenged to make a difference by figuring out what the “burr in our saddle” was. We all have a passion for something in life…something that just won’t let go, but we ignore it long enough until it calluses over and we become numb to it. Then that burr no longer causes us to move in ways outside ourselves. It no longer forces us to follow that longing. We get comfortable; we become content; we settle.

I’ve had a burr in my saddle for quite a while. I want it to keep making me uncomfortable, so I must depend on Jesus every day to move me in unexpected ways. I want my life to be motivated by the burr; motivated by the passion that God has given me. I want to make a difference in the lives of others…to give hope to those without any! May I pray that prayer every day.

A Thanksgiving Fast--Mexico Part 2

Fasting is a wonderful spiritual discipline that I often do on behalf of my children or when I need clarity regarding an issue. When I arrived in town on Friday night, I realized I wasn't hungry and didn't even have a desire for a snack. After waking up Saturday morning, I still wasn't hungry. I couldn't eat for over 24 hours after coming home.

I realized I was in a reverse fast. Usually, I fast so I can be filled with Jesus and gain greater insight or understanding. This time I was already so filled that nothing else satisfied. I didn't want physical food. I felt as though I had stood in the presence of Jesus for a week and was fully saturated in Him.

As I meditated on my trip and went into the late afternoon hours of Saturday, I finally began to feel hunger pains. I was almost disappointed that I wanted physical food. I wanted to stay full of Jesus.

During this time, I was reminded of the verse that God brought to me earlier in the week. I had camped on 2 Corinthians 9:12 "This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God." I was so thankful that God allowed me to be a tiny part of His work and that whether I'm on a mission trip, eating lunch or driving to work, everything I do should be an expression of thanksgiving to my Lord.

My cup overfloweth and it must have been evident. Someone approached me last evening to let me know they thought I was just glowing on Sunday morning. I did feel radiant. That's what spending a week with Jesus will do. I yearn to live that way today and tomorrow. I want seek Him with all my heart.

The Travelling Word--Mexico Part 1

I just spent a week in Monterrey, Mexico serving orphans and those who have not much of anything to call their own. I immersed my heart, my soul and my mind in the experience that God called me to. I spent 4 days at 3 different orphanages and 1 day at a squatter's village where the poorest of the poor have nothing, so they scrounge through a trash dump that serves as the center of their neighborhood. God began to speak to me and move me in ways I've never experienced. Over the next few weeks, I'll share my experience, not in narrative, but in stories. Every day was packed and I saw Jesus everywhere I looked.

I'll start with the end. The day before I left for Mexico I wrote about deciding whether to bring my big, bulky Bible with me. I felt compelled and was so glad I had it along. It was open and speaking to me each morning during my quiet time and held me captive in the evenings when I was drawn to certain verses. But it wasn't until I was leaving Monterrey airport yesterday that knew the true purpose of why I needed to have it by my side.

After packing my suitcase, I laid my Bible right on top of all my dirty clothes and closed it. I knew my suitcase weighed in at close to 50 lbs. and if it goes over that weight the airline charges a large additional fee. So I wanted to be able to get right to my Bible if I needed to pull some weight and put it in my backpack. Before checking in, my suitcase needed to be inspected. The guy unzipped my bag and there lay my Bible right on top. He looked at it and then searched around the sides of my bag and then looked back at the Bible. I could tell he was really drawn to it. He picked it up and then gently laid it back down. My Bible cover has Jeremiah 29:11 on the front..."For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The guy moved his finger under the word "Lord," paused and then ran his finger under the words "plans to prosper you." He looked up at me and said, "Is this for me?" I replied, "Yes, God has a plan for all of us." He just smiled and rezipped my suitcase.

I don't know what was going on in that man's life or why he was so captivated by my Bible and the verse on front, but God does and yesterday morning God spoke to that man in Mexico through a very well loved Bible that calls Danville, IN home.

Abandonment and Packing The Word

My devotion last night focused on truly recognizing Jesus--His appearance and voice in your life. I am captivated by this idea of being so fully sold out that I don't ever hesitate when He speaks. But I'm not there yet.

The author said, "We step right out with recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go...If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you...It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him." I want to experience that as a natural part of my life. That is my goal. I pray that as I serve Him in Mexico I will move one step closer.

On another note, I have debated all week whether to take my Bible I read from daily to Mexico. It is big and bulky. It weighs in at almost 4 lbs. So instead I packed a thin NT in my backpack and a more compact complete Bible in my suitcase. They both travel easier. But I couldn't get it out of my mind that I wanted my regular Bible with me...it kept bugging me. Finally, today, I thought, "Why am I bothered about the extra weight? It's God's Word and it's my most treasured possession." I want it with me. Period. So I it packed in my suitcase. I feel so much better knowing it will be by my side all week.

Heart Prep

I’ve spent a lot of time lately preparing my heart. It is a process that I’ve often overlooked in my Walk. When I’m confident in God’s leading, I have a tendency to just plow ahead…jumping into whatever He has in mind with both feet. Easing into the pool little by little has never been my style. But I’m learning.

Two weeks ago, I dropped Derek off for Basic training. He was headed to Ft. Benning, GA. He would be gone for 4-5 months. That thought sent me into a tailspin. He is so precious to me and we have such a close relationship that I was trying to figure out how to adjust. I needed to be prepped for not only for the day of his departure, but his absence all summer.

And this Saturday, I head to Monterrey, Mexico to work with orphans for a week. I had given a book to a dear friend for Christmas. After reading it, she gave it back to me to read and be inspired. I was blown away by the author’s story of obedience and all the God was doing as a result of the orphan ministry she started. I knew without a doubt, God was calling me to go and be a part of this. But, again, I needed to be quiet before my Lord so He could speak to me and prepare me for this journey.

So He’s been preparing me to walk down the paths He has laid before me. I was drawn to Jeremiah 18:4 "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." No matter the road I’m called to take, I must be molded and shaped to become more like Him. It is through this process I can be a most effective instrument.

I have spent much time reflecting on all that God has taught me in the past, all the grace and mercy that He has shown me and the joy that comes as a result of loving Him each day. Yes, I will continue to prepare myself for the mission He has for me in this life. At the moment, my heart is full. I have a peace that this world can never give, nor take away.

I know my heart is full when I’m smiling so big on the inside that I can’t control myself. I spent 3 days last week with friends camping at Holiday World enjoying the rides and good conversations. I was thinking how goofy I must have looked to everyone, because I was constantly dancing. I danced at the park, at breakfast and at the gas station late at night. I couldn’t help myself. I was dancing with joy from the blessings that my Lord has poured down on little ol’ me.

Peace

On a regular basis, I experience God’s peace that truly transcends all understanding. It is the most underrated character of God. Last week was difficult for me. I felt the looming departure of Derek to Basic training and a variety other emotions that had all descended upon me. But in the midst of it all, I simply felt calm. I ached, but I stood firm. I stood on the very foundation that Christ, Himself has laid for me. He has given me a tremendous reservoir of faithfulness and goodness to tap. And He has never, ever let me down. This is all the encouragement I need when dark clouds appear.

Derek has been gone now for three days. His number has stopped popping up on my phone, his chair is empty at the table and his truck stays put in the garage. But I’m coping surprisingly well. God has put me in a very good place. Derek was feeling anxiety about entering the unknown and confessed that he cried on the plane trip down to the base. I told him I wanted him to keep one thing in mind—he was on God’s mission first and foremost before the Army’s. I told him if he could truly wrap his head around that, then he would know where he would be getting his strength and courage. It would be the perspective he needed in order to serve as the godly young man that he has become.

I am at peace. I’ve turned Derek over to God and know the Creator of the universe is far more capable than I am of taking care of him. I pray with great confidence and know my best Friend will see Derek through the next four months.

Embracing Change

A couple of days ago while walking, I dipped back into my memory bank to the summer of 2000. Jim and I had signed a contract to buy a manufacturing company, but after deeper thought, changed our minds. This prompted the owner to close it down. She offered us both severance packages and we were both out looking for jobs in June. Two and a half months later, we were in Atlanta with an offer Jim received. But I have the sweetest memories of that summer.

The boys were 6 and 9. Every day we would throw the bikes in the back of the truck and head to a beautiful park with lots of wooded walking and bike trails. We biked, hiked, ran, and just had a wonderful time. One day, we took a kite and we all took turns seeing who could keep it up the longest. The boys loved it and so did we. It was pure heaven for me—being outdoors and spending every single day together as a family.

Boy have things changed since then. My husband is now with his Father and my boys are 15 and 18. If I asked them to go for a bike ride they look at me like I’m speaking a new language. Their interests have changed. Derek is primarily focused on hanging with his friends, but I’m still Zach consummate playmate…tennis, pitching softball or whatever he wants. Our relationships are solid, but they don’t get excited about the same things they did 9 years ago. That’s normal…but sometimes it’s hard for their poor old mama.

I don’t hearken back too often, but when I do, I remind myself to embrace the ever changing dynamics of our family. And I get there by remembering that God has me right where He wants me. There is a reason He has chosen this path for our family. He has higher things in mind that aren’t always evident to me. But I trust in His sovereignty over each moment of my day.

Yesterday, the three of us spent most of the day together just hanging out and today I went to lunch with Derek. I have learned to meet them where they are. If the two of them are playing Xbox, then I go upstairs and just sit in the same room. Derek loves to eat, so I enjoy making his favorite breakfast or going out to eat when it works. No, they don’t jump up and down anymore when I say we’re loading up the bikes and going to the park, but they still love life and I still love them…more today than I did yesterday.

Present in the Moment

I am working hard to condition myself to be present in each moment of the day that God gives me. I have found with months and months of practice it is becoming a more natural state for me. I often stop and regroup to enjoy a precious moment regardless of where I am.

Lately, my prayer has been to enjoy every single connection point that God gives me with Derek. He is leaving for Basic training in two weeks and I want to treasure all the time we have before he leaves. I want to be intentional about our conversations and even my demeanor when we are together. I don’t want to be rushed or let a moment slip by. God has been very good to give me so many wonderful moments…specific conversations over dinner, great texting fun, laughter on the phone, and deeper moments of intimacy as he sits on the edge of my bed in the evening after returning home.

Yesterday, we were on the phone and he said, “Oh, mom, I’ve been meaning to follow up with you on a decision you were making…have you made it?” God had just given me clarity about this issue the day before, so I relayed that to him. He went on to share where he felt God was leading me and then commented, “Mom, you know more about the Bible than any other Christian I know.” That is not true, but his perception is that his mama loves God’s Word. That is definitely true and that he has this image of me makes my heart do flip flops. I’m gonna miss him more than I can put in to words. My eyes start to water just thinking about it.

And then there’s Zach. By far, I spend more time with him than Derek, but that’s ‘cause he can’t drive and is beholden to me to chauffer him everywhere. And we have a great relationship. He is so cute and has become my little 5’2”-90 lb. walking conscience. He is often telling me things that he thinks I need to work on. He starts out by saying, “Mom, please don’t be offended, but…” And the worst thing is…he’s almost always right. I do treasure my time with him immensely and try to be present in the moment with him as well.

Last night I had to catch myself. I was in bed reading and he was doing homework on the laptop in another room. He started singing so loud and so off key that I couldn’t concentrate. I read the same line 5 times. Finally, I yelled, “Zach…dude…you’re killing me.” He walks in my bedroom with laptop in hand and says, “What…can’t be in a good mood in this house?” So I was caught. “Please…I’m sorry…go ahead…sing for me honey.” So he hands me the laptop and starts singing and dancing in front of the mirror--still loud and still off key. It was truly very funny and I was glad to enjoy that moment.

It’s the small stuff…it’s always the small stuff that makes my day and can break my day. I want it to define my joy, knowing it all comes from God.

Psalm 16:8-11… “I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

True Surrender = True Joy

True surrender evolves. The rewards get better each time I more fully understand what it means to truly give something over to God. I don't do it as often as I need to, but the intimacy that comes with complete surrender is unmatchable.

Last week, Derek came to me and informed me he was in the process of making a major life decision that was in complete contrast with my wishes. He also informed me as he thought through things that he didn't want my input. He said he needed to do this one on his own. I was stunned. I'm his mama...he knows how much I love him...why wouldn't he want my advice? But he didn't. We had a bit of an emotional discussion...actually, I got emotional...I did the talking...he just listened and then said his mind was made up about deciding on his own.

So I wrestled a bit with this and then turned it completely over to God. I prayed with absolute confidence that God would guide him not only in this decision, but in his life as he makes these major steps. My confidence in God in this situation was unyielding. I quickly gained not only a deep peace, but joy as well. I told Derek I couldn't wait to see what God had planned for him...he just smiled. And I waited for his decision.

When Derek finally informed me of his decision, it ended up being exactly what I had originally wanted. I smiled and told him I was so proud of him for praying about his decision and doing what he thought was right. And then I waited. I waited for that internal celebration that I won...a little fist pumping...but it didn't happen. Even though Derek ended up making the decision I had actually wanted, I had turned it so completely over to God that it was no longer about me or what I wanted. It was all about what God wanted for Derek. I had already reached a point days before where I was totally fine with whatever he decided.

So I learned a little more about myself and a little more about God. He showed that the way I'm most effective as a mother is when I allow Him to work through me to get to my boys. I must step out of the way. I have never felt closer to God and never more proud of Derek. He held fast to what he thought he needed to do and I held fast to Jesus. That's a pretty good combination.

Miracles Still Happen

I was in agony this past week. I had some kind of sickness that went deep into my bones. Every single part of my body ached; I would awaken at night in a pool of sweat and coughed so hard I thought my head and chest would explode. I literally laid around for 3 days and at times would groan out loud because I couldn't do anything thing else.

Friday afternoon, Zach sent me a text saying he was feeling bad and I prayed so hard he would not get what I had. So he came home laid around all evening and into Saturday...I kept praying. Saturday afternoon I sent Derek and his date off to the prom and I retired to the couch...again I was moaning and groaning. Finally, I went to bed feeling at my worst. It couldn't be possible to feel this bad after 4 days. I couldn't sleep, but my eyes burned from pure exhaustion. So I prayed. I asked God to simply heal me right now. I couldn't take it anymore.

After about an hour of prayer, my eyes popped wide open. I hadn't slept a wink, but felt like I just had a great night's sleep. I got up and walked into the bathroom...something was wrong...no something was very right. I kept looking at my fingertips. I couldn't believe it. All the pain, the arthritic feeling in my bones and the horrendous headache were all gone--just like that. It was like it all just slipped right out of my fingers. I stood there with my mouth hanging open...not believing it. I almost jumped up and down I felt so alive. I looked up and said, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Zach was playing basketball today and headed to youth this evening. He is feeling much better after less than 48 hours. Again, a perfect answer to my passionate plea. Sometimes God answers my prayers in ways I least expect and sometimes times I don't even hear from Him. And sometimes He send me a miracle. I could just picture Him last night smiling, kissing me on the forehead and saying, "Your still my daughter and I still love you." Boy, did I need that!

I'm Sorry

Derek called me a while back in a panic. He was trying to find his way to an appointment and was lost. I was shocked since he'd been there many times before. "How can you be lost?" I asked with irritation. "You've been there a million times." "I don't know, mom." He said. "But I'm tired of driving up and down the road. I've passed the same place 4 times." He was frustrated and upset that he was lost in such familiar territory. Finally, after he told me exactly where he was I guided him to this location. "Oh, I found it." The relief was evident in his voice. "Bye, mom." And he hung up.

About an hour later, I got a very unexpected call from him. He called for one purpose and one only. "Mom, I owe you an apology. I think my tone on the phone wasn't good when I called you earlier and I probably sounded disrespectful. I'm sorry." "No you didn't, honey, but thank you. You were just frustrated and so was I. You were not disrespectful at all."

That has stuck with me for a while--my boys aren't usually the best at apologies. They just act extra nice and try to smooth things over when they've done something wrong, but they don't come right out with the "I'm sorry" business. It's hard. It's humbling. Even as adults we struggle with this.

Yesterday, I was sitting on my patio reading for a bit before heading over to visit some dear friends. But I couldn't concentrate on my book--God was convicting me. I closed my book and walked upstairs to Derek, sat down next to him and said, "Derek, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got irritated at you yesterday. I had no reason and no right to act that way." I could see his whole body lighten up and he smiled really big. And then we knuckle bumped. It's almost as if he had been sitting up there at that very moment waiting for me. I had gotten upset over a little thing--he had changed his mind about something and it didn't sit well with me, but there was nothing wrong with it. I was just having a weak moment as a mom and sounded off a bit at him. But it is amazing what a humble apology can do for the soul and for a relationship. I need to do that more often.

I'm so thankful that God convicts me and is kind enough to encourage me as a mom by showing me how my own boys can teach me--how they can be my example on occasion. I hope I can continue to teach them and live out my faith, but also never forget that sometimes they have a thing or two to show me.