2010 Thanksgiving Poem

I pondered my faith
As I shuffled through leaves
Pulling deep within
‘Til my view was Thee

Then I heard Your voice
Whispering joy to me
So I stopped in my tracks
And fell to my knees

My sweet boys came to mind
My health was good
But my heart was full
Because there You stood

You touched my hand
You caressed my cheek
My soul was on fire
You’re all I seek

Having You at the center
I count the rest but loss
My thanksgiving is in You
No matter the cost

Your love is better than life
My reason for living
I want to live a life worthy
And in abundant thanksgiving!

God's Word Anew

I bought a new Bible. Maybe that doesn’t sound like a big thing, but it is to me. The Bible I’ve been using for the past 5 years has become my best friend. It’s well worn; there are highlights all over and the cover is about to fall apart. It’s been to Mexico, Africa, Haiti and various parts of the US. It’s accompanied me in the woods, by streams and has literally laid on my person when I needed physical or emotional healing. I’ve never left anywhere overnight without it. I have many other Bibles, but they just won’t do. I need that Bible. It’s a study Bible and I truly love the questions and answers in the side columns and the great commentary at the bottom. However, I felt God’s Spirit whisper something different to me a few days ago.

Last Friday I spent the day at the Creation Museum. It is was wonderful to explore the incomprehensible planetarium as I got a glimpse of God’s vastness; I walked through the garden of Eden, the building of Noah’s ark and read scripture after scripture supporting Biblical Truth about how we were created and God’s plan of redemption. I felt such a warmth as His Word literally washed over my body and rested deeply within. The afterglow lingered into Saturday.

I headed out to run a few errands Saturday evening. I stopped in a Christian bookstore for no intended purpose. It was just nearby. As soon as I walked into the store, I immediately felt God’s Spirit tell me to buy a new Bible. As soon as I heard that voice, I felt a rush of excitement building in me. Prior to this, there would have been no convincing me to part with my beloved best friend that has truly been my life support. But that all changed in an instant. I heard Him speak and I walked straight to the Bible aisle. I felt strongly that I wanted just God’s Word—not life application commentary, not question and answers to study—just His Word.

As I made my purchase, I bounced out of the store and couldn’t wait to get home to start reading it from start to finish. I texted both my boys in my excitement and let them know about my new Bible. I believe they think I’m a bit silly, but I told them I pray every single day that they will get as excited about God’s Word as I do.

When I got home that evening, I prayed over it and asked God to reveal His Truths more deeply and powerfully to me…I told Him I want to know Him like never before. I actually didn’t let it out of my sight all evening.

So I’m 4 days in with my new best friend and the euphoria has not worn off. I am reading through Genesis and thoroughly enjoying basking in the joy His Word brings to me each morning, mid-day and again at night. I am so very thankful to have His Word living in me to teach, guide and comfort.

I can’t wait to see what He has in store as I keep digging.

Expect a Miracle

I have come to expect miracles. The Power that raised Jesus from the dead lives inside of me and He is operating in miraculous ways inside and outside of me. I love watching God’s providence unfold before my very eyes in my daily life. As I live this beautiful and glorious life that comes from loving Him above all else, I often want to kick myself for the wasted years spent loving Germaine just way too much. But we won’t go there…it’s not pretty. I was obsessed with me and all that made me feel good and what I wanted. I ebbed and flowed through highs and lows always searching for that next high and loathing the lows. Neither had the true eternal meaning that filled my soul.

I am working through a Bible study that has 5 tenets as the foundation. The first 2 are: God is who He says He is and God will do what He says He will do. I have come to believe these 2 statements with all my heart. And that is primarily because my faith grows simply because God is so faithful.

Last Sunday, I was making my normal 2.5 daily trek through the woods…IPod in my ears and a 5 lb weight in each hand. The leaves had begun to fall and I slipped down a hill twisting my ankle really bad. I continued on. As I meditated and prayed, the pain did not seem so bad. However, when I got home, it had swelled and bruised quite nicely. Within several hours, it was very ugly. The next morning, I came to work and God brought Matthew 9:29 to mind from my Bible study the night before…”According to your faith it will be done to you.” I taped it to my ankle and believed my faith would heal me. I was texting Derek and telling him what I was doing. He just shook his head and said something about me being strange. (I get that a lot.) I asked him if he truly thought God’s Word was living and he said yes. Then I asked him if he believed if it was alive that it had the power to seep into my skin and heal me. Once again, he said yes. The next day, there was almost no indication of my fall. Bruising and swelling was gone.

God was not done. I have been arguing for months about a bill that I did to feel I should pay. On Thursday, I got a refund check and on Friday I received an e-mail saying they cut the bill in half. The check and bill were within $1 of each other. God provides. God is faithful. God is always by my side.

He very often does big, extraordinary things to encourage me in my faith. I am so grateful that He loves me enough to take such good care of me. I am also watching Him work in my life as He is transforming me through a process that is nothing short of a miracle. I have baggage I’ve carried with me since grade school. Yes, that long. I have poured over Scripture, been on my knees and have simply worn out the Throne regarding sin that I want out of my life. Nothing was working. I often felt defeated. I often got tired of the fight. But through His divine ordination of events, books, prayer and Scripture. I am feeling a revolution about to unfold. I am feeling free. I have laid claim to His promises and have chosen not to let go until I’m free from bondage. As I write, I am toward the end of a very specific process that is about to transform me into an even newer creation with a purer heart and cleaner hands. I can’t wait to get there. Stayed tuned.

The God I Love

I read to be inspired. If a book is not teaching or inspiring me, I usually close it and move on. I used to feel obligated after starting a book to finish it. I’m not sure why. I think after I plopped down $10-15, I felt I had to get my money’s worth. But now most of my book purchases come from Half Price Bookstores, so I pay a buck. I can assure you, there’s no guilt anymore if I don’t finish the book.

Over the past three weeks or so, I have not read a lot. I kinda went through a dry spell. Every time I picked up a book to read, it seemed flat. I found there was a reason for that. God wanted more of my attention in other areas at the moment. He had things to show me…He wanted to change me…He wanted to reveal specific things to me. I am convinced that every single thing in my life is ordained, even the books I read. I know this, because I live it and hear Jesus speak daily. I won’t reveal all He discussed with me recently—some is much too personal, but it’s safe to say I feel a greater peace and closeness with Him as a result.

But last Sunday after visiting my family in WV, I borrowed a book my mom just finished. It’s the memoir of Joni Eareckson Tada called The God I Love. The title alone drew me to the book. I finished it in a week.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine turned me on to an interview with her. I listened to it twice. It spoke very powerfully to me. Joni has been a quadriplegic for over 40 years. She just recently learned she had breast cancer. She said in the interview that when people come up and ask if they can pray for her healing, she says yes, but she’s more interested in them praying for her self-centeredness; pride; impotence, and slothfulness. Wow! She could garner all the authentic, godly sympathy she wanted in her condition, but she is more concerned about her sanctification and become closer to Christ. She truly inspires me.

I had this interview on my mind quite a bit and when I saw her memoir on mom’s nightstand, I knew I needed to read it. I finished in a week. She talks very candidly about her struggles after her diving accident, but it is clear she was and is fully aware that looking squarely in the face of Jesus and focusing on who He is is the only thing that brings her healing and peace. It’s not about what someone else did or didn’t do or what has happened to her or how she is feeling. It is all about the nature and character of God. And loving Him through His son Jesus!

She said at one point in the book, “My pursuit of Him was no longer something extraordinary—it was my everyday routine.” It was about the cross—nothing more; nothing less. “The world’s worst murder became the world’s only salvation.” As she poured over the Scriptures, memorized them, sung them and made them her own, she started to become the whole person He wanted her to be. I closed the book with a renewed joy to seek Him above all else—not just each day, but each minute of each day.

I Want To Be A Sanctuary

I was pulling out of the driveway this morning at the same time as Zach. I watched as he backed his car out. He swung wide and his front tires rolled into the grass as he cut the wheel a bit too sharp. As I looked at him and shook my head, he put his index finger to his lips and said, “Shhhhh.” Then he mouthed, “It wasn’t me” as he grinned and headed down the road. My boys make me smile; they bring me joy and can put a spring in my step.

Sometimes, however, we run into speed bumps. Our differences cause friction in our relationship and in the family. As I chat with friends about things that I'm working through at home, most will say it’s typical and they went through it too. But while teenager differences and difficulties may be a part of most families, I was determined to stand firm on the character issues that needed to be addressed. The problems always go deeper than the superficial disagreement. God is so kind to grant me wisdom and knowledge to parent. He shows me exactly where I need to focus to bring the greatest reward and helps me help my boys become the young men that He wants them to be. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

I’m very thankful to God as He walks with me and continues to reveal what He wants for me as well. That, too, is a process. Over the past few weeks, He’s been working in several areas. All of which, are designed to make me more like Him. And as I draw to Him, I have a new and refreshing joy. Here’s what He’s been saying to me:

--Circumcise your lips…carve away all the unnecessary words, so that my lips can surely be an overflow of my heart. A preacher once said to “think” before speaking…are your words True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind. If not, don’t say it.

--He is asking me to love the person right in front of me. Not to spend too much time on what is on my calendar later in the day, later in the week or even think about what or who I want to spend time with, but love the person that God puts right in front of me at that moment.

--Focus on God, Himself, and not my circumstances. The circumstances often take on a life of their own. God is much, much bigger and I must stay fixed on Him. Listen. Period.

I just spent the weekend with my family in WV and love being there. It is relaxing. I had great conversations, ate well, visited with old friends, and spend time alone with God in the stunning nature He created. He shifted me while I was there. I want to keep being attentive to what He has to say. I was able to worship in my childhood church, and we sang…

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

It is you, Lord
Who came to save
The heart and soul
Of every man
It is you Lord
who knows my weakness
Who gives me strength,
With thine own hand.

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and Holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving I'll be a living
Sanctuary for you

Lead Me on Lord
From temptation
Purify me
From within
Fill my heart with
You holy spirit
Take away all my sin

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

I can’t get these words out of my head!

Fully Possessed

I want to be fully possessed by His presence. It’s a line from a recent book I read, but exactly how I feel and my heart’s greatest desire. I read two books back to back that have begun to move me to that place. They have inspired me to redefine how I define a successful day and shift my way of thinking. And as I redefine and shift, I also must be able to do this in the midst of struggle. That, my friend, is where the rub is.

The first book called I Will Die Free is about a wrongly accused minister who was sent to a Cuban prison for 22 years. He was tortured every single day of those 22 years, yet remained faithful to God and held worship services in the prison to bring many to Christ. He focused completely on all things eternal in the midst of pain and agony that I can’t imagine enduring for 1 day, let alone 22 years. He was steadfast and drew strength from Jesus when he had absolutely nothing to give, nothing left to offer of his broken body. And God was faithful to the end. The pastor declared, “Under no circumstances would I cease witnessing for my God. Witnessing for Him was my power, my strength, my will to go on.”

Last week, I was struggling through a difficult situation. I cried. I prayed. I buried myself in His Word and I prayed some more. Eventually, I just fell at the feet of Jesus and laid there all week. I had nothing left to offer. And He came through as faithfully as always. He brought me peace, joy, wisdom and a complete turnaround in the situation that was before me. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…that’s all I got to say! I stayed eternally focused, but at times became weary at what was before me. I wanted to be done and run. I didn’t move in that direction, but my lack of faith led me to even give voice to those sentiments inside my head. I, obviously, have a ways to go.

The second book titled Love Has A Face details the journey of a lady born with one hip and one leg who has allowed herself to be consumed by the love of Jesus in Sudan. She started an orphanage and is now caring for almost 90 little ones. She is witnessing great miracles and watching the love of Jesus shine into the hearts of the people in her village on a daily basis. This lady epitomizes being radically intimate with Jesus to the point that she defines success only by a journey deeper into His love. It is from His love that all her actions flow. I want to reach that kind of intimacy. I want to be so transformed that I become the message I’m called to bring. That is my prayer.

So as I enter into a new week with new challenges and things to deal with, I remind myself that going deeper with Him is my only calling for the day. It allows non-eternal things to fall by the wayside and my focus to be squarely on Him. What is significant all of a sudden becomes a speck in my day; stupid things that were consuming my thoughts all of a sudden become distasteful; life has an eternal spring and I’m bouncing to new heights.

This morning, I had something on my mind I wanted to put to rest. I stayed in God’s Word until He had something for me. I prayed until I found peace and God brought it to me. He gave me wisdom and clarity that filled my squishy little brain and moved out all the stuff that didn’t belong. I’m thankful that He loves me so much and never, ever say’s to me, “You again?” He just says, “Come, my precious.”

Amazing Mexico

Prepping For The Mission

The night before the boys and I left for Mexico, I wanted to have time just to settle down and prep for the trip. So we went out to dinner, chatted and prayed together. We then picked up a few last minute items and just hung out at the house. It was nice.

As we got into the evening, I was discussing with Derek how God calls us all to different things and regardless we must be obedient. The conversation drew toward the “least of these” and orphans. I told him that I didn’t feel a call to adopt, but only to help in other capacities. I said, “However, if God called me to that end, I wouldn’t have a choice but to be obedient…and I do think I could imagine a couple of little boys running around the house.”

He shut that conversation down quickly. He didn’t even want to discuss it. Both boys are very protective of our current family unit. They don’t like the thought of a new daddy or additional brothers. I think there is a lot of security for them in leaving things right as they are. I told Derek that I understood how he felt, but God’s call is not my choice.

So after arriving in Mexico on Saturday, we spent that first day having a pool party and cookout with the kids from two of the orphanages. Derek was having a ball playing with the little boys and they quickly became quite attached to him. As we were eating, Derek looked at me and said, “I’m gonna go ahead and warn you mom that you’re gonna be a grandma several times over before this week is done.” I smiled as I thought of our conversation just two days prior. He was in love with these kids and could feel his heart being pulled.

That is exactly why I love to serve with my boys. I love to experience the joy they receive as God works in their hearts unexpectedly. I begin to imagine what it would be like if the three of us could go serve overseas for a year together. I’d love that and would do it in a heartbeat. I don’t see it happening, but I’ll wait and trust…who knows what God has in mind.

My Send Off

I was reading through the book of Romans prior to leaving for Mexico. Just a few days before we left, I found myself camping in chapter 10, verse 15: And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

It was the verse God chose to accompany me as I left. It became a very powerful force for me. As I meditated on the verse, so much came to mind regarding my purpose not just on this mission trip, but my single purpose in life. It is to bring the Good News. I love the first line that lays it out for me…I can’t preach if I’m not sent and the only way I can be sent is if I answer, “Yes.” I must act. I must be obedient to His call. No other substitute will due.

And then as I answer the call to spread the Gospel, my Savior calls me beautiful. I can’t think of anything that brings me more joy than knowing my Lord sees beauty in my actions. So with my beautiful feet, I leaped all the way to Mexico. I couldn’t wait to get there.

Spreading the Gospel looks differently on each trip I’ve taken and certainly on this trip as well. “Preaching” comes in different forms. A child who has been abandoned by their parents, who lacks a room to call their own, bedtime stories each night and a birthday party just for them doesn’t care to be “preached” to. They want to be loved. They want to know for the moment you are with them that they matter. It’s through these acts that a platform is developed to then let them know, I love them and so does Jesus.

My feet took off and rarely stayed on the ground while I was there, but I know for that week there were kids who felt special and felt cared for even if it was just for a short time.

Crossing The Border

As we began to plan for the trip and book our flights, we found out that the prices of plane tickets skyrocketed. We decided to save money and try an alternative route, so we booked a flight to McAllen, TX, a town right on the border and took a bus to Monterrey. I was excited about the new route. I’ve sat in many airports. That does not thrill me. So Saturday morning, we left our hotel and jumped on a bus to cross the border. As we approached the border patrol station to enter the country of Mexico, I found the scene particularly odd. There was not a single car at the border. The place is usually a mad house.

As our bus pulled up, the bus driver got off and chatted with the guys patrolling the border. In a few minutes, one of the guys got on our bus to check things out. He walked down the isle, looked around a bit and then got off. A short time later, we were on our way to Mexico. It was great. I found out later on that the Internet was showing that the McAllen entrance to the border was closed, so I guess no one headed that way. I am thankful for God’s provision in allowing us a perfectly safe and short passage to Mexico. I was reminded of Malachi 1:5 “You will see it with your own eyes and say, ‘Great is the Lord—even beyond the borders of Israel!’” I did see with my own eyes that our great God moved beyond the borders of Israel right to the border of Mexico.

The trip back across was equally as safe. By the following Saturday, the traffic had increased greatly because another border site was actually closed. It was a 3-hour ride to the border from Monterrey and then we sat at the border for 3 hours until we were allowed to cross. It was an easy process as we exited the bus with our luggage, walked through security and to the other side. The bus picked us up and we were on our way. We all expressed our delight that the delay was on the back end and not as we were headed to serve Jesus.

Even with all the constant negative coverage in the news of the violence between the cartels and police, I can honestly say there was not a single moment as our team moved back and forth across the border where I felt unsafe. I felt the same during my entire stay at Back2Back. I would not hesitate to do it again.

Breaking My Heart

The founder of World Vision is often quoted as saying, “I want my heart to be broken by the things that break the heart of God.” That idea permeated much of my journal writing and thoughts as I served through the week. I’ve had my heart broken in Africa, Haiti and already in Mexico, but I wanted it to break in new places. I wanted it to break and not mend.

The founder of Back2Back ministries, Beth Guckenberger, insists that she is not looking for people to come down and have a mountaintop experience. She wants orphan advocates. Period. So as our team worshipped together and debriefed during the evening, we walked through a concept that helped shift our way of thinking from just the week to how it affects our character for God. It starts with an experience, which leads to reflection, which leads to change, which leads to action. Each of the fours steps are designed to allow us to move with God beyond one week in Mexico.

Each day as we visited orphanages, played with the kids, worshipped with them and did painting and construction projects to improve where they call home, I found myself processing my broken heart. I wanted God to build my character, teach me to see them through His eyes and then shift my way of thinking on how my gifts, my passions, and my energy can be used for His service.

I’m still processing all that He taught me and where He is leading me…

The Mountains Burst Forth

Each morning I arose early to have extra quiet time with God. I grabbed a cup of coffee and my Bible as I stepped out on the steps to view the most stunning mountains I have ever seen. Some mornings the fog would be floating along the tips and burn off as the sun peaked through and kissed the edges of the mountains. It was a magnificent sight! I immediately turned in my Bible to Isaiah 55:12 “You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace. The mountains and the hills will burst forth into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.” I truly felt like the mountains before me were bursting forth into song. Nature is my sanctuary. I can go for a walk in the woods or just be outside and feel the presence of Jesus.

Due to the way hurricane Alex devastated the campus of Back2Back ministries and flooded surrounding areas, we had to take a bus the first day to one of the orphanages that was only a mile away. I so wanted to walk and just be outside and enjoy God’s beauty as I headed to serve the “least of these.” On the third day, we were scheduled to go back to that same orphanage to do more projects and I found out the streets had dried enough for us to walk. I was so excited and couldn’t contain myself. Certain things…small things…they bring me great joy. And when I’m on a mission trip, those little joys become even more thrilling.

Down From Heaven

The theme of our devotional for the week was Hunger. Each day I read Scriptures and meditated on a different aspect of hungering for Jesus. It was very good. One day was particularly compelling as God spoke to me through the Bread of Life passage in John 6:25-59. Jesus implores us in this passage to hunger only for Him. To “not work for food that spoils” and remember that “the one who feeds on me will live because of me.” Nothing else will due. Nothing else will satisfy. I camped there for a while. As I reread the passage, I was captivated by the phrase “down from heaven” that was often repeated. I wanted to focus only on things that had eternal value and not the things of this world that do not satisfy.

I held on to this thought as I went into my day to be with the kids. I wanted to look into their face and have them touch my heart and prayed that God would allow me to make a small difference for eternity by showing His love to them. I wanted to step out of His way so He would work through me to show me what He had planned for me in advance of my arrival in Mexico.

God also brought me to Deuteronomy 8 during that same morning. This is one of my favorite books. As I was reading some of Moses’ final words, he was reminding the Israelites of all that God had done for them. I moved to verse 10 “When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.” I prayed to God that I would always praise Him in the midst of all circumstances and that I would stay focused on Who provided for me and not what He provided.

I moved through that day viewing the kids through His eyes and had an extra spring in my step to improve the place they call home. I thought of the future God has for them…His perfect plan for their life…I wanted them to know how very special they are because the Creator of the universe made them in His image. I often think of Esther. The king had many beautiful women in his harem, but God chose a Jewish orphan to save her people. It breaks my heart that some of these beautiful children may never have the love and encouragement God desires for them so they can live out His plan for their lives.

The Cross Still Stands

On our third day we visiting a squatter village referred to as Rio 3. It was completely devastated by the hurricane that occurred just 2 weeks before our arrival. The poorest of the poor use scraps of anything they can salvage and make their home along the river. That is government property, so in essence it’s free to them unless the government comes along and kicks them off. That usually doesn’t happen.

As I walked along where their homes once stood, I watch as families continued to scrounge through the debris to salvage what little they could to make a new home a short distance farther from the riverbed. The view was stunningly surreal. I kept thinking of a question from my devotional last year during my visit to Mexico when I was asked—what if I woke up one morning in Rio? How would that change my relationship with Jesus? I was consumed by that thought. What if I lost all my worldly possessions and was asked to live in deep poverty? Would I still love Jesus as much as I do today? I don’t have the answer, but I continue to pray that my hold on the things of this world is very loose.

I saw Jesus everywhere, because in my heart I knew He had not abandoned these wonderful people. As I continued to stroll along the riverbank, I was struck by a pole in the shape of the cross, covered in garbage standing all alone. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. God left His footprint behind after the hurricane to remind us all that He had not left and the cross still stands. All are welcome! I could hear Him whispering to me that He had did not leave them and neither should I.

My Precious Ximena

On our final day after our projects were done, we had a completely free day to spend with the kids. We took them to an amusement park. Each of us was matched with a child and they were our partner for the day. My special little two-year old girl was Ximena. During the first hour, she seemed distant. She wanted to do her own thing and holding her was the only thing that helped at all. She didn’t want down, she didn’t want to play, and she didn’t want to ride. So I held her, and she quickly melted. Her face began to light up as I rode the carousal with her and other rides; she played in the water; she seemed to feel safe. She began to touch my heart.

By mid afternoon she was wearing down, so I cuddled her in my arms and sang Christos me ama (Jesus love me) to her. And she was out, so I laid her down on one of the picnic tables under the palopta. As I watched her precious sleeping face, I couldn’t help think about how precious she is in the eyes of Jesus and it saddened me that she may never really understand that. She will grow up with a sense of abandonment, hurt, and poverty. My prayer for her that day and today is that her physical needs continue to be met and that as she gets a little older she is introduced to her Father in heaven who loves her more than she can imagine. This will give her purpose, hope and joy that knows no bounds.

The day before I sang to Ximena and the kids at her home as a group. I watched them as they all napped and caught glimpses of their sweet faces in passing. But now the orphan truly has a face to me. It’s now very personal. It’s breaking my heart.

My Boys

I love serving with Derek and Zach. They are teenage boys who both respond differently to the mission and it’s a joy watching them at work. Derek is an extremely hard worker. Every time I looked around he was covered in sweat and dirt, lifting and carrying out the hardest of the jobs. But as I mentioned earlier, he had his heart melted by the kids as well. The little boys just loved him, and Derek loved them. As we talked after returning home, he said he would love to be back there. He said he wants to go down there and just work hard on behalf of the orphans. He’s young and has a strong back and that’s how he likes to serve.

Zach is much more relational, like his mama. He is not afraid to work and will do anything he is asked, but he loves building new relationships and having fun in the process. He did just that. He trimmed trees, scraped walls and hauled dirt, but he also made new friends. He is fiercely independent and enjoys just approaching people on his own and in his own way without my interference. I love that about him.

I made it a point to have intentional moments with both boys while we were down there, but also let them have their space to experience things on their own. At 16 and 19 that is important to them. I’m fine with that. I love watching from a distance and taking it all in. God is good!

!Nuestro Dios es grande! (Our God is Great)

One of the things I love when I serve in another country is to worship with those I’m serving…in their language and to our same God. It is very moving. We did that on Sunday morning at the children’s home where we spent two days during the week. There was some translation for those like me who only know pieces of the language, but mostly it was completely in Spanish. I loved singing, praying and feeling God’s Spirit move in my heart. I was completely filled.

I love language and enjoy knowing a little bit of at least 5 different ones. As God moves me in a specific direction, I hope to get fluent in just one or two. But only knowing a smattering of Spanish didn’t hinder my time with God. I found myself singing right along and worshipping in a way I don’t always feel in my home church. It was intimate and joyful. I pray I carry that same spirit over into my everyday life.

So What Now…

I continue to process and pray through all that God revealed to me on my trip. I pray my heart remains broken and that He moves deeply in the lives of my boys. I want us all to be forever changed by our experience. I want my actions to be eternally focused and to lay down any level of Esau syndrome that I have where I chose immediate gratification over storing up things in heaven.

I find myself drawn toward a life helping those most set aside by our world…those marginalized…those who are hurting. I’m not sure what this looks like yet, but my heart is open to where God leads and how He wants to use me. I want to hunger for Him and Him alone.

I also pray that my boys will truly see the work God is doing in their lives as individual children of the King and what He is doing in our family as a whole. I’m very proud of them and expressed that to them in a letter when we returned. I wrote them each a very personal letter and laid it on their pillow.

I’ll keep praying and keep staying focused on His face!

I'm Madly In Love

I love God's Word. I go to it when I'm excited. I dig in deep when I'm searching. I breathe it in when I need encouragement. I find myself in it many times throughout the day. I'm so thankful He gave us that precious gift.

I was thinking of the Scriptures I've been meditating on over the last few weeks. Each of them landed in my heart with God's perfect timing for what He wanted to show me. I love the way He weaves His message with all that is going on in my life and shows me those perfect Truths that stand on solid ground.

For a solid week I meditated on Psalm 16. I was reminded that "apart from you I have no good thing." Nothing has any meaning in my life if it is not centered on God. Every single verse held profound meaning for me as I soaked in the joy of knowing that He has me right where He wants me because He "assigned" it to me.

Later, He brought me to Jeremiah 17:7-8. I just love the word picture of seeing that regardless of my situation, I will always bear fruit for Him if my roots are firmly planted in eternal things. I must rest my confidence in Him and Him alone.

Romans 4:17 just stopped me cold one morning. He is "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." When life takes a turn differently than I expect, regardless of how big or small it is, I can rest comfortably knowing that in His sovereignty He sees way ahead and orchestrates my life to His beautiful plan before the future has even happened. I hung on those words for days.

And Ecclesiastes 11:1-6 was simply beautiful. He has called me to be His servant right where He has planted me regardless of the circumstances. I may not understand why things are happening or what He has in mind for me, but I know what He has called me to do. The seeds I sow will be in His hands to do what He chooses. I'm just called to "cast my bread upon the waters."

I leave tomorrow to serve in Mexico with my boys and 15 other people. I feel a river of emotion stirring inside me and look forward to immersing myself in His work and His Word.

Shifting with God

Sometimes life seems to work out the way I'd like and sometimes it doesn't. But what God has taught me in full and living color is that it isn't about what I want or what I like. I have to always trust that He knows best and His plan far exceeds anything that I could dream up. But I make the mistake of limiting Him to my way of thinking. Bad Germaine!

Several weeks ago, I was praying about a major life decision. I was convinced things were going one way, things looked great and then God suddenly shifted everything. The week prior, I was praying about this issue and prayed not that it would happen, but that God would keep me sensitive to what He wanted for me and each day I would take one more small step of obedience in that direction. But when things didn't turn out the way I was expecting, I found myself disappointed rather that praising God for answering my prayer and moving me where He wanted me. So I prayed through the process and asked God to help turn my heart to completely toward Him that my first thought is to praise Him. Period.


And then other things began to happen...a few disappointments...a few changes...He really was moving me. I kept praying for His will. The challenge for me is to remove my will completely from the conversation. That is hard to do, but it's called surrender. It good to walk with Him. In the midst of these trying times for me, I still feel His presence very deeply. It's that supernatural strength and encouragement that I cling to. It a very, very good feeling.

I look forward to what He has in mind for me today, tomorrow and down the road.

God's Word Lived Out

The power of God’s Word is in the living. I had the privilege of going to hear Immaculee Ilibagiza speak this past week. She survived the 1994 Rwandan holocaust where over 1 million Tutsis were slaughtered by Hutus for no other reason than they didn’t like them. Immaculee was hidden in a 2 x 3 foot bathroom with 7 other ladies for 91 days. It was during that time she connected with Christ in a way that allowed her to forgive the men who butchered her mother, father and two brothers.

God taught her through the prayer His son gave to us and reminded her that she is to forgive as He first forgave us. She wrestled and struggled but eventually surrendered and then began to live out what she knew to be Truth. She is now a powerful speaker who shares her faith boldly and proudly.

The night before I listened to Immaculee, I stood in awe of God’s majesty as I looked at the most beautiful rainbow I’ve ever seen. God’s is beyond our complete understanding, but at the same time speaks in the most intimate way in tiny bathrooms in Rwanda and right here in my heart in Danville. I love being His child.

Today, Jim would have been 55. Derek and I played golf yesterday on Father’s Day and chatted quite a bit about Jim. After 5 years, I can still cry on command at the mention of his name, but then I simply repeat Jesus, Jesus, Jesus and peace washes over me. God continues to reveal His power in my life through the lives of others, through the sound of His name and most importantly through His word. He rescues me and carries me.

I know God called Jim home when He did and not me for a reason…there is no doubt in my mind. My focus must be on all things eternal. In the midst of all that He teaches me daily, He teaches me this consistently above all else…I should be very loosely tied to this world. My time, talents and treasures should all be focused on what brings Him glory. Each day, that is a new surrender, but it gets easier all the time. Bringing Him glory, brings me joy.

God Speaks

I love the way God speaks to me. He speaks to me through people, circumstances, and His Spirit. I love the way He shows up in the most unlikely places, but most of all I love the way He speaks with such purpose.

Zach was in WV visiting his grandparents and cousins the last 2 weeks. He and I had been talking about getting him a car, but I really wasn't sure I wanted to get one anytime soon. However, last Saturday, I was driving in to town to run a few errands and felt compelled to pull in a dealership. I checked out a few cars knowing all the cars were overpriced and not sure why I was on the lot. Just then a young salesman walked out and we chatted a bit. We walked to the back of the lot and out of the corner of my eye I saw the car I was going to buy Zach. It was exactly what he was looking for and wasn't even on the salesman's list. I was certain God pulled me to the lot to take me to that car for Zach. It was exactly the make and model of what he was wanting and I was able to not only negotiate it down quite a bit to my price, but was able to witness to two guys on the lot. After writing the check for the car, I walked off with such a spring in my step...not only for the car Zach was getting, but for the way God ordains circumstances to reveal His care and concern for me. He speaks!

On Wednesday, I had lunch with my old boss that I had not seen since Jim died 5 years ago. We were catching up. It was very nice. In the midst of our conversation, he revealed something to me that may affect my future. His suggestion was perfectly in line with something that had been on my mind and it was even better than anything I was thinking. God reminded me that He is complete control of my future if I will only trust and continue to surrender completely to Him. I drove back to work completely amazed at His presence at that lunch. I was smiling from ear to ear and speechless. That what happens when He speaks.

He speaks in the midst of my purchases--big and small; He speaks while I munch on a salad; He speaks into my future; He speaks softly when I lay my head on my pillow and lulls me to sleep. I'm listening, Lord!

Looking Past me

How do I spend my time? How much eternal value is there in the things I do? Those are questions I've been pondering lately. As I listen to the newscasts reminisce about several public figures that recently died, I found myself intrigued by all the things people said about them. They talked about how good they were, the fond memories they had of then and the way they excelled at their careers. But I never heard anything of how they changed lives...how they focused on eternity...how they wanted others to know Jesus. The minute I die, nothing I did or have on earth will have any value unless I "store up treasures in heaven."

On Thursday, I spent spent my lunch time at a faith-based event meeting other people in full-time ministry and listening to a wonderful speaker from South Africa talk about how the AIDS crisis has made millions of orphans. He inspired me to not only think of the plight of those widows and orphans affected, but to continue to think way outside myself everyday. To look past Danville, past my ordinary life and to the things that break the heart of God. I want to stay focused on that.

Then later that same evening, I went downtown to hang out with some homeless young men. I ate dinner with them and listened to what was going on in their lives. As I was sitting out on the front porch of an old home in a rough section of town, I never felt more at home. I was comfortable. I was enjoying myself. I was touched by these beautiful lives that were fearfully and wonderfully made. I want them to know Jesus. I want them to know the comfort and guidance He can give in the midst of their most difficult circumstances. I want to go back and love them a little more.

I love to expose myself to a hurting world. It is far too easy for me to get comfortable going to work, coming home to make dinner, running down the road to shop and grab a Starbucks. I don't want to be comfortable. So I keep moving where I see a need and pray through God's purpose for me.

Derek is convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be a full-time missionary someday. I'm not sure. I sense God's movement in a few other directions...I'll keep praying...keep listening...keep obeying in the small things...this will lead me exactly where He wants me. And this is where I'll find unending joy.

A Lesson in Obedience and Disobedience

My boys are far from perfect. But as they grow, I see Christ moving in their lives in ways they don’t even realize. It gives me such encouragement as a mom. I can’t make all their decisions or keep them out of all trouble…I don’t even want to. But I do want to give them the right foundation from which to build their life. As God guides me as a mother, I am convinced the best thing I can do for them is live it out in front of them.

I felt called to read the entire Bible in the month of May. I was excited about the prospect of committing over 3 hours a day for 31 days to Jesus. There were days when I could hardly put His Word down and others where I struggled to finish my 40 chapters. Sometimes the day would just get away from me. But I did it and the journey was phenomenal.

My greatest encourager was Derek. Every couple of days he would ask how it was going. He was so impressed. He would say things like, “Mom, I don’t even think most preachers have done this.” Or “So you haven’t missed a day yet?” A few days ago, we were discussing my time in God’s Word and I told him there’s really no place I’d rather be. He said, “Really, I would never know that…your Bible is covered in dust…no actually there’s skin oil all over your Bible ‘cause your face is always buried in it.”

I smiled at the fact that he has that indelible image. Last night as I was sitting in the room with Derek, I started reading the last few verses in Revelation out loud to him. He looked up and I said, “I just finished.” He smiled and gave me props. In time, I hope some of the stupid things I’ve done or said will fade away and he’ll remember most of all that his mama loved Jesus and spent a lot of time with Him.

God blesses obedience in ways I almost always see immediately and then it ripples throughout my family. I’m thankful for God’s wisdom as He shows me what He wants from me and ways to move my boys in the right direction.

Over a year ago, Derek and I were struggling with an issue and truly butted heads. I put my foot down and demanded that he do things my way. He just got angrier. Finally, God spoke to me about the concept of disobedience and asked that I teach Derek that lesson. So I told Derek he could proceed down the path he was going. I would not stop him. But I wanted him to know that it was in total disobedience to me. He was happy for a moment and then confused.

“So I can do it?” He asked

“Yes, but remember it’s in complete disobedience.”

“What does that mean?”

“You do it and find out.”

“Well what are you going to do to me?”

“I’m not going to do anything.”

He was perplexed, but went ahead with his plan thinking he'd won. He found out he was miserable. Knowing there was a chasm between us and that he didn’t have my blessing was too much for him to bear. He did a u-turn and headed in the right direction. He often talks about that time as a significant moment. I remind him that’s a small taste of disobedience to his Father.

It so good to have my Jesus!

30 Days in The Word with Jesus

Wow! I’m having such a phenomenal journey with Jesus. I’m 24 days in to reading the Bible in 30 days. Derek asks me periodically how it’s going and if I’ve been able to keep up. Yesterday when he inquired I said, “Yes, I’ve not missed a day. It’s been wonderful.” “Wow!” He said. He was amazed and impressed. Then he went on to ask how many times I’ve read the Bible in the past few years. I had to think…I read the entire Bible in 2006, read it in 90 days at the end of 2008, 90 day again in the summer of 2009 and now doing 30 days. He knows I love to read, but I told him and his girlfriend there really is no place I’d rather be than in God’s Word.

I’ve always loved when they “catch” me reading the Bible. It’s been quite easy for them to do so this month…breakfast, lunch, evening…almost anytime during the day, I’ll be sitting there with my Bible open in front of me. And I can’t think of a better image to have planted in their sweet little minds.

As a side note, they also get a kick out of “catching” me praying. They’ll knock on my bedroom door and ask to come in. When they open the door, I’ll be sitting in bed with no book and a deep reflective look on my face. “Were you praying?” Zach will ask with a smile on his face. “Yes.” I say. “But that’s okay. God will know where I left off. Come on in.”

Anyway, back to my journey. It’s amazing how spending 3+ hours a day with Jesus has invigorated my faith. Everywhere I go, I bump into Him. He is teaching, guiding and encouraging me with such vibrancy that I sometimes have to breathe in deeply and slowly and then go to my knees just to take it all in.

The Bible has come alive in a way it never has. His words leap off the page, dance in front of me and then wash over my entire being. It’s remarkable. As I’m reading and meditating, I keep a note pad nearby to jot down revelations and encouragement that comes directly from Him. Here are just a few of them:

-- I love all the firsts in Genesis…1st born—Gen 4:1; 1st revival—Gen 4:26; 1st covenant—Gen 9:12; 1st tithe—Gen 28:22
-- Exodus 31:12—the 10 commandments were “inscribed by the finger of God.” I was so moved by the thought of how powerful it would be to hold something like that in my own hand and then I realized I was.
-- Deut 4:24 He is a consuming fire and a jealous God. I meditated on how differently my life unfolds when I put something between God and me.
-- Deut 28—Disobedience is a very bad thing. I need to have reckless obedience.
-- Deut 30:1-10—very encouraging section of the Bible…His goodness…His grace.
Deut 29:18—What poison do I need to get rid of in my life?
-- 2 Sam 15—David wept in the same garden as Jesus. The presence of Jesus in the OT was more powerful than ever.
-- As I read through Kings, I was reminded of how powerful generational sins are. So often it said, “he did not turn away from the sins of his father.” What legacy do I want to leave my boys?
-- Ezra became my new hero—so humble; truly lived out his faith; felt deeply for his people…I want his humility; his compassion; his strength.
-- I loved basking in the majesty of God as He rebuked Job. It took my breath away!

Ecclesiastes 5 sums up my journey best…I stand in awe…let my words be few.

Rings, Sunglasses & Miracles

Last Monday I thought I lost my tanzanite/diamond pinkie ring that Jim bought for me years ago in St. Martin. I wear it almost every single day and remember putting it on that morning. I recently had it re sized and it fit a bit more loosely than before. I was drying my hands and when I was done, looked down and my ring was missing. I began to panic. This is way more than just a ring to me.

I started looking through the garbage and retracing my steps. My heart was palpitating and I was working myself up into a full-blown tizzy. I left work and drove home to look for it there. On the drive home, I kept repeating, “It’s just a ring. It’s just a ring.” That wasn’t helping. I prayed and ask God to help me find it, since He knew where it was.

I rushed into the house, went right to my jewelry drawer and there it was. I thought, “Oh, I didn’t put it on after all today.” But thought that was odd since I wear it every week day. Anyway, I was telling a friend that I found it. I said I guess I didn’t put it on like I thought. Her first comment was, “Or God took it out of the garbage and put it in your drawer before you got home.” Wow!

I pondered that statement the next few days. Why do I not immediately look for the miraculous in my every day life? Why do I assume God takes the easy way? Why is my mind not even trained to think miracles? I have some growing to do. God had a lesson to teach me and He wasn’t done.

I was headed east Thursday morning just like always as I was driving Zach to school. The sun was piercing my eyes. I flipped down my sunglasses holder in my car to grab them and they weren’t there. Hmmmm….I looked through my purse…not there. I looked around the car…not there. I flipped down the holder on my ceiling once again…STILL not there. I remember wearing them to a church meeting the night before, so I get to work and e-mail a lady at church and ask her to scan the area where I was…no glasses.

It’s lunchtime now and I can’t imagine where they are. So I get in my car and figure they must have fallen out in the church parking lot, so I head up there to look for them. As I’m pulling out of my parking spot, I pray for God to help me find them, since once again He knows where they are. I was drawn to flip down the holder in my car for the 4th time. There they were! My eyes popped out of my head. I heard Him say, “I am who I am.”

I’m convinced now that I did put my ring on and God put it back in my drawer for me. I don’t know where my sunglasses were Thursday morning, but at noon they were miraculously put back in the proper spot. Miracles do occur in the midst of the smallest details of our life. But we have to be looking for them.

What a wonderful God we serve that He reveals Himself and His power in something as simple as sunglasses. He is beyond my understanding!

A Revival is a Comin'

I’m feeling a revival coming on. I can’t wait. Several weeks ago, God began to lay some things on my heart. He wanted to draw me closer…deeper. I began to think about all my heroes of the faith and all the marvelous time they spent daily in total devotion to their Lord. I wanted that. I wanted a revival of my soul and I could hear Him calling. So on Saturday, I decided to read the Bible in 30 days. That’s 3-4 hours a day with God!

All last week, I prayed daily that my heart would be prepared to move into these next 30 days with eager anticipation to receive all that He had in mind. By Friday night, I was beside myself with joy. I kissed my Bible, laid my head on my pillow and was gone.

I’m 3 days in and loving every minute of my time in His Word…already getting filled with His teaching and wisdom. Ah, it is very, very good. Reading so much in such a short span gives such wonderful insight that it’s almost hard to put His wonderful Book down. Yesterday, I read 9 chapters into today.

And I needed this time with Him. I was not having such a good day yesterday. Derek knew I was acting funny and not quite myself, so he asked what was wrong. I just looked at him with sadness in my eyes and he said, “Are you having a daddy day?” I said that I was. He then said, “Well, why don’t you just go in your room and open up the Bible?” I smiled and thought he was exactly right. And he knows his mother too well. He knows what I need.

As I struggled though my pain yesterday, God revealed to me this morning that that is exactly why I need a revival. I need to stop struggling and allow Him complete control. My faith must be complete. That means that the certainty of His presence in my life gives me a peace that moves me through rough spots in complete reliance on Him. I do rely on Him, but sometimes I forecast and speculate in the midst of my pain, thus adding to it. This additional pain gives way to fear and fear assumes God is not all I need. I’ve run this circle before…I hope to jump off very soon.

I think it’ll take a revival…stay tuned!

I Ain't Tired...No Ways

I love to laugh with my boys and just goof off. But I'm particularly blessed when I get to serve with my them. Saturday, Derek and I ran an 8K to raise money for orphans. We drove down together, talked, made jokes, stopped at Starbucks and had a ball before the race began. You could either walk or run. I decided I'd run with Derek.

Well, within the first 50 yards, he smoked me. I had no hope of keeping up with him, so I set my own pace. I began to pray for orphans all over the world and scriptures began to run through my mind. I asked God to "make my feet like the feet of a deer" and to help me "run and not grow weary." I knew "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." At the half way point, I was determined to run the whole thing, but my thighs began to get really tight and shin splints started to set in. So I prayed harder. At the 3 mile mark, my pain was completely gone. God is such a physical God. He took away my pain and gave me feet like deer.

I was feeling it and loving my time with Jesus. In between praying God's Word back to Him, I sang one of my favorite old spirituals - "I don't feel noways tired." The chorus goes like this...

I don't feel no ways tired,
I've come too far from where I started from.
Nobody told me that the road would be easy,
I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me.

When I crossed the finish line, I felt like I was floating. Derek was waiting for me and said how impressed he was with me running the whole race. Honestly, I was a bit proud of myself, but I knew where my strength came from. Oh, I love my Jesus!!

God blessings poured forth...

1. A beautiful, cool morning to run
2. A wonderful, connective time with my firstborn
3. Strength to finish that was not my own
4. A blessed and glorious 50 minutes with Jesus...

I was running for Him!

God, Germany, and Great Times

This time last week, I was hanging out in my mother's hometown in Germany enjoying a wonderful day. I spent a week there with my parents visiting my grandma. She will be 98 in August. It was such a blessed time. Germany is such a beautiful country and my grandmother lives right on the Mosel river...it's breathtaking.

I laughed so much and had such a great time that it was hard to come home. I always miss my boys greatly, but was so torn when I left. I knew it highly likely that would be the last time to see my grandmother, but after a week I begin to miss the boys terribly. So I hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed and then said goodbye.

As I was flying over I began to journal a bit. I was talking to God and asked Him to reveal Himself to me on this trip. I wanted to feel His presence in a very real way. I did. He always has something to teach me and I am delighted to be His student.

I had the pleasure of reading three books during my 20 hours in the air, time in the airport and a few quiet moments to myself in Germany. Each of these books spoke to me in very real and meaningful ways.

The first was called And The Word Came With Power about a lady who translated the Bible to a tribe in the jungles in the Philippines. I was reminded that in 1982 when she was obeying God and bringing His powerful Word to the those who were lost, I was completely centered on myself as I graduated from high school and hoped to take on the world. I was a Christian, but was seeking my will, not His. God said to me as I finished the book, "Eternal things are all that matter."

The second was a bio on Dietrich Bonhoeffer a German martyr who tried to overthrow the power of Hitler by assassination and a coup. He lived completely focused on God's will for his life. I was able to talk to my grandmother about him and she said she remembers him and that she didn't think enough people stood up with him. It was so cool to be talking to my grandmother about a hero of mine who died 20 years before I was born. As I spent time in an area that is not known for its faith, I was reminded of how important it is for me to stand firm and stand strong for my Jesus regardless of what is going on around me.

The third was a bio on Amy Carmichael. She was an incredible missionary who spent 56 years in India saving young girls from the horrible caste system that placed no value on them and sold them into horrible conditions. She impacted the lives of thousands and had and incredible faith that only comes with a complete devotion to the King. Her life was purposeful and impactful, but often very, very hard. I heard God whispering to me as I meditated on her life..."Stay focus on my purpose..."

I'm grateful for my time in Germany, but I'm grateful most of all that God stays close to me and teaches me in every situation. My prayer this week to come is that I live out what I learned.

An Invasion of Intimacy

Two weeks ago I had an incredibly intimate and profound encounter with Jesus Christ. It was unexpected and took time to truly get my heart around it. And for the past couple of weeks, He continued to reveal Himself to me. As I reflect on our time together, I continue to be amazed...words cannot describe what He has become to me. I have just this week watched Him physically heal me, instantly take away emotional pain, intercede in a relationship, move in the lives of those I do life with and show up time and time again.

It continues to confound me how very personal God is. He invades my life with His love and compassion and grace in ways that simply stun me. I am His child and if I ever lose sight of that, I will surely be lost.

I depend completely on Him. I depend on Him for my every breath and for my next step. And I'm thankful He is there every minute of every day for me. He completes me!

I look forward to flying over the Atlantic on Monday as I head to Germany to visit with my grandmother. I look forward to worshipping this same God in Europe and I pray He will reveal another part of His character to me as I stand on another continent. I love loving Him!!

Living Among the Poor

I read a lot. Yeah, we all know that. When I finish a book, I want to feel inspired to live a life more fully surrendered. That is almost solely why I read. I also love to learn. However, I don’t read to escape…I love my life and don’t feel a need to go somewhere else. So when I finish a book and I’m left with questions to ponder and felt an obvious encounter with God during the book, I consider it worth every minute I spent in it.

I just finished one such book titled The Prison Angel.

Mother Antonia left a wealthy lifestyle in Beverly Hills to live in La Mesa penitentiary in Tijuana, Mexico. She was twice divorced and had seven children. All her life she felt a pull to help the poor always feeling unsettled throughout both marriages, running the family business after the death of her father and raising all her children. Finally, when she had one child left in the house, she began to make her permanent move to Mexico even adjusting the life of her son to accommodate. She had to answer the call.

The book inspired me on so many levels. Mother Antonia was not blessed by the Catholic Church initially, but that didn’t stop her from sewing her own habit and going to serve God. She lived in a 10x10 cell and took cold showers just like the inmates. She truly lived among them and changed countless lives. They grew to love her and affectionately called her Madre.

One of her expressions was that in everything you do, you either add to the beauty of the world or take away from it. She is so right. I meditated on that this week. I have to make choices and each choice leads me to Him or away from Him. All true beauty comes from Him, so the closer I am to God, the more His beauty can shine through me.

So I began to reflect on several questions:

1. If my church did not support my call, would I still go?
2. Would I put my precious Jesus above even that of my boys? Would I adjust my life and theirs so I could take a step in obedience regardless of the sacrifice?
3. Could I truly live among the poor? How attached am I to my material stuff?
4. Am I adding to the beauty of the world?

I am duly inspired! And duly challenged!

Experiencing God

I'm working through a Bible study called Experiencing God for the second time. It's the most powerful study I've ever done. Very insightful and deeply moving concepts about how to experience God in a way I've never known. It's rich in Scripture to support the tenets.

The particular spiritual reality that I've meditated on and put into action recently is the idea that an encounter with God is not to be taken lightly. Of course, most would agree, but that's often what I do. He speaks to me through His Word and I am touched, but don't meditate on what He is trying to reveal to me until it comes to pass. This is key.

Three weeks ago, God laid it on my heart to really live out the fruits of the Spirit. So I thought of my Bible study and decided, I needed to focus on each fruit over the next nine weeks. I'm in week four. It's been very refreshing to focus so intently on just one single verse. The rewards have been wonderful.

Last week, He brought me to Zephaniah 3:17 twice in one day. "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." So I read this each morning, read it in several translations and posted on my desk at work. I wanted to pray over it day after day until God revealed Himself to me through this verse. He did.

But it's not always that easy. A while back He asked me to make an adjustment, so He could be more fully revealed in my life. I acknowledged it and agreed, but did not act. The step is very, very hard. Yesterday, He revealed it once again. It's going to be very difficult for me, but I know it's necessary so I'm determined by His grace and strength to do it. But obedience is not always easy and I just learned that it most often has consequences to those around me. This particular act of obedience will be recognized by those around me.

I'm praying this week will be a turning point. A week where I act and then begin to see all the abundance that He has in store for me. The author of the Bible study says over and over again that I cannot fully experience God and stay where I am. I must respond by adjusting and then obeying. Only then will I see Him the way He wants. I'm anxious to get there.

The Shirt

I don't hold on to many things. The boys will be the first to say that I'm far from a pack rat. As a matter of fact, I have been known all my life to throw out stuff and then need it shortly after I toss it. I can't stand clutter. I don't like holding on to things that have no value to me. And I don't like to put much value in silly things.

The day before Jim died, we were touring Washington, D.C. on a muggy, sweaty July afternoon. The shirt he was wearing that day has been rolled and stored in his nightstand on the left side of my bed. Quite often over the last 4 years, I would respray the shirt with Jim's cologne and the boys and I would breathe in the scent of the shirt and it was like holding Jim. It smelled just like him and took us back--just for a moment.

I'm over 4 1/2 years into my grief and the shirt was still unwashed and sitting in the nightstand drawer. There was no real reason for it. The time between spraying and breathing in became greater and greater. But still...I left the shirt there...can't exactly explain it. I would have thought by now...surely by now...I would have tossed it in the wash and gotten on with things. I guess I wasn't ready.

For most of my grieving process, I've looked directly to the Lord for His leading. I didn't always get it right, but even when I took the scenic route, He helped me find my way back and moved me to a new level with Him. He did that once again yesterday morning.

I awakened and decided to spend a lengthy time with my Lord. I began to read through some of the Psalms, prayed, read 2 Timothy, prayed, and then began through portions of Romans. I found myself in Romans 7 and verse 2 spoke to me. "For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage." My eyes fixed solely on 3 words..."she is released." I felt God's Spirit telling me that He is releasing me from any bondage I feel. He is freeing me from my grief and from any thing that I'm holding on to. I could just feel God speaking..."Be free. I want to give you freedom you've never known." As I sat there, smiled and basked in the joy and peace that can only come from Him, I heard Him say, "Wash the shirt." I got up and took the shirt to the laundry room. A short time later, it was in the wash with a normal load of darks. It was a tangible step I needed to take in response to the gift God wanted to give to me.

I talked to the boys individually after I washed the shirt. Derek was indifferent. He said, "I thought you already did." Zach had a different reaction, "Why did you do that? It smelled so good." But I had to and I explained that to him. His birthday is coming up, so I plan to get him some of his daddy's cologne for his special day. I want him to be able to smell like his daddy whenever he wants.

I feel a release. I feel a freedom. I feel a peace. A great calm only can be realized after a great storm. On Thursday night, I had a completely ruthless night of anguish and pain as several things collided. I now know that God brought that as a prelude to what He wanted to show me yesterday morning. I'm glad I had 2 hours to spend with Him. It was such a precious time.

Escaping with God

I am continually amazed at how God works and the incredible Husband He is to me. I have clung to Isaiah 54:5 quite often. God is Who He says He is. "For your Maker is your husband--the Lord almighty is his name..."

Three months ago, I sold my Jeep to Derek and bought a Ford Escape. I was thrilled with my new (well...new to me) car. I loved the way it handled and enjoyed everything about it. But within a few weeks after buying it, something inside me began to stir. I was getting the feeling that I wasn't supposed to have this Escape. I kept trying to ignore was was gnawing at me, but couldn't shake it. Then there were little things about the car that began to bug me. I was feeling very unsettled.

This past Tuesday, I took it to a Ford dealership to have something minor looked at and they said the entire steering column had been replaced. It wasn't in an accident and there was no recall, so it had to have been vandalism or something else. The carfax report was clean. So I left the dealership and went to the one where I bought it. They agreed, with my insistence, to give me another car at the same value, but I couldn't find anything on their lot to suit me. When I drove off, it was clear I was not going to get my car from them. The salesman was making me very uncomfortable with his weird remarks. So I left and prayed the rest of the week.

Yesterday, I knew I was to go back to the Ford dealership and get another car, so I did. I pulled in and looked around as an older salesman approached me. We talked and I immediately connected with this brother in Christ. I immediately found another Escape that I loved. We drove it and I knew this was the car I was to have. As we sat at the table negotiating price, I told him I could not buy it until I prayed about it one more time. Without hesitation, he offered to pray with me. We sat in the middle of a busy dealership and prayed about my decision. I was so touched. I bought the car and we talked all afternoon as we waited for paperwork to be done. I handed him one of my books and he gave me a hug as I left. I don't know why my path crossed with this wonderful man, but I know my Saturday and my new car purchase was ordained by God.

As I was driving home, I was so filled up that I was about to explode. I was breathing Jesus. It felt like God was sitting next to me in my new Escape. He guides me, protects me, gives me wisdom and brings wonderful people in my life. He is also a God who lives in my reality and speaks to me in very practical ways. I am so grateful and so humbled.

It's God Above All

Shortly after Jim died, I made a very tough decision that has totally changed the way I approach dealing with trouble that comes my way. And we are assured in this life, we will have trouble. When I was consumed with my grief very early on, I realized that I must put my relationship with Jesus above everything, even that of my grieving boys. That was very, very hard. However, as I stayed focused on Him, He began to do a good work inside and revealed things to me that paved a wonderful healing path for all three of us.

Sometimes I’m just dealing with a minor skirmish with one of my teenage boys, but sometimes the problem is deeper and presents a greater challenge to work through. I had one such problem over the past few weeks. As soon as the issue smacked me in the face, I immediately set aside the people and problem involved and focused completely on what God wanted to teach me. This gave me peace almost immediately. I made the issue about my relationship with Him and nothing else. Slowly I worked through the problem, but it was through the lens of my relationship with Jesus and not anyone or anything else. When I did this, clarity and change came through scripture that was revealed and a heart-change on my part. It was not easy to process this most difficult situation, but it was way easier than if I would have cluttered it with flawed personalities, recrimination, self-doubt and all the things that the devil would have me think were valid approaches.

I can’t begin to describe the work that God did as a result of this approach. He took what could have been a devastating circumstance and brought great freedom to me. He moved. He taught. He conquered. And it all started with putting Him completely in the center without distraction. I now feel joy in a different way and peace that didn’t exist when the trouble came my way.

I praise Him. I praise Him. I praise Him. For He alone is worthy!!

His Will, Not Mine

This past week has been a bit challenging for me. God is on the move in my life and sometimes it’s painful. I continue to watch Him work out His plans before me since returning from Haiti. He is allowing me to be involved in His work and I’m excited about all that I see ahead of me. But sometimes as God prepares me for assignments, He must develop my character. That hurts.

I believe in God’s perfect timing and I recently learned in a Bible study that when He speaks with me, when I encounter God Almighty, it is a very serious matter. I must follow through until His word comes to pass. I have not always been so good at that. I hear God speak, but I don’t spend weeks and months if necessary meditating on it until God does the work surrounding that encounter that He intended. I move on. I move on too quickly before He really has a chance to do what He originally intended.

So I’ve been camping on the concept of really praying and reflecting on what He reveals to me. I’m determined to allow Him to follow through by abiding in Him regardless of how long it takes. In one passage of the Bible study I’m doing, it talked about really discerning God’s voice. The process is all about my relationship with Christ, but it starts with getting my heart into such a state that it no longer has a will of its own. Wow! That is where I stopped this week.

I have been praying and praying over that very specific idea. I desire greatly to be so focused on Jesus that what I want no longer even comes into play. I’m not there. I do know that the power of the Creator resides in me. That power can transform my most broken parts and bring me to a place of complete surrender. John 14:26 reminds me that “The counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” So I can bank on that. I can hold on to the Truth of God’s Word that says He will teach me all things.

I’m still seeking, still praying, and still being still. I’m confident on the other side of His good work; I’ll look a little more like Him and a little less like me.

Thou Shalt Hear!

A day before I left for Haiti, I began to deal with some sinus stuff…really no big deal. I get it regularly, work through it and it goes away. But after arriving in Haiti, it started acting a bit differently. My ears clogged up, and I starting losing some of my hearing. I didn’t let this interfere with my joy or what God had planned for me. It truly was nothing more than a little annoyance.

As the days wore on, my hearing lessened. I could barely hear myself talk, but was feeling fine. The night at the hotel after leaving the island, it seemed to blow out in full force. I simply struggled to hear normal decibels. But I was so thankful the worst hit as I was retuning home. And then it got even worse.

Massive fluid built up behind both ear drums due to the change in pressure on all my flights, particularly the little 4-seater private plane that took me off the island. This rendered me essentially deaf. So I struggled. I prayed and was determined to let it run its course, but my doctor thought tubes were probably in order. I had made it 45 years without major ear problems or the need for tubes and didn’t want to do that now. But no improvement was happening.

Finally, after reaching my limit this Tuesday night, God brought a scripture to mind. I was reminded of the night Jesus was betrayed and how one of his disciples cut off the ear of the high priest. Jesus reached out, touched his ear and he was healed. I thought, “Yes, it states clearly in the Bible that God heals ears.” So I believed He would heal mine. As a matter of fact, I was completely convinced. That night I prayed fervently for a miracle and slept with my Bible under my pillow, so God’s Word could seep into my inner ear.

Guess what? I awakened the next morning feeling worse than ever. It felt like something had exploded in my head overnight. But I was still convinced today was my day for healing. I went to a specialist later in the morning and he and I agreed NOT to cut my ear drums. I planned to wait it out. After leaving his office, I drove less than a half mile and my right ear popped. I had to actually turn down the radio…I was so excited. I immediately praised God for His healing. Shortly after that, my left ear was itching to do the same. I went from feeling at my worse to being miraculously healed.

As soon as that happened, I knew why I felt so bad first thing in the morning. It was a test of my faith. Was I going to continue to trust God? Did I still have faith in Him even when things got really bad or was I going to take matters into my own hands? I kept the faith, and He showed up. That’s what always happens when I stay fixed on Him.

So I pick Zach up from school later in the day. I tell him my right ear popped and I can hear again, but before I could tell him the story behind it, he said, “Wait...let me guess. God healed you.” I said, “Yes, He did. Let me tell you the story.” So I did. When I was all finished he looked at me and said, “Mom, that sounds like a Hallmark movie.”

I am thankful for my Savior more than ever. I’m thankful He heals me, cares for me and guides me in all that I do. But I’m most thankful that He shows up every single day of my life!

Matthew 11:15—“He who has ears, let him hear.”

The Face of Jesus...my beloved Haiti

We were sitting in the Atlanta airport when the earthquake hit. We were due to fly in to Cap Haitien, Haiti the next day, but that did not happen. All flights were canceled and through the amazing work of God, we were able to get there just 1 day late. I felt a great peace as our team wrestled with whether to go or not. I just felt called to be there.

I walked through the village of 6,000 desperately poor Haitians. Many children ran around without clothes and the immense poverty was immediately seared deep within my heart. I spent an entire day just hanging with the kids and getting to know the people. I have never felt so loved and accepted by a people in my life...I truly felt at home.

One evening I was able to share my testimony with the ladies, sing with them and simply enjoy their company. I also made salvation bracelets for the kids and handed out homemade dresses to 50 little girls. So much was packed in so few days that it was hard to even process it at the time...I spent my whole time staring the face of Jesus and feeling His presence on such an intimate level all day every day.

And the conversations and relationships that were built from the godly pilot who gave me a ride off the island to the associate pastor at one of the villages to the ladies who would not stop hugging me to the mom who asked that I sponsor her 1-month girl. My heart was exploding love...I don't know how else to say it.

I continue to pray about my time in Haiti and how God wants me to be involved in His work. As I was riding in the small 4-seater aircraft over the ocean, I watched the most magnificent sunset as I sat reading 1 Corinthians. I was speechless as I just breathed in the majesty of God. He spoke to me in the 15th chapter and 58th verse where He said, "Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." I realized, He wants me to give myself fully without distraction to what He calls me to do. If I do His will, it will not be in vain. All other paths will be useless.

So I wait...I pray...I process...when He speaks I plan to respond without hesitation.

A Hankering for Haiti

I'm leaving for Haiti tomorrow. I tried to dismiss God's calling to go for several reasons. I am going with 8 guys and no other women, it's in the middle of the school year for Zach, Derek is just starting college, and on and on my excuses went. I even backed out when I thought there were too many other things going on in my life. But God spoke. He stopped whispering and turned up the volume. I responded. I didn't have a choice at that point.

I am now so excited!! After accepting His invitation to join Him in His work down there, so many things have begun to fall into place. He has laid a lot on my heart concerning my trip. Last night He spoke loudly and unexpectedly about another reason for my going. I'll be anxious to see it all unfold before my eyes as I attempt to walk humbly toward Him.

I've been doing a lot of research on the country and find my heart really drawn there. It was once very prosperous and now is desperately poor. 50% of Haitians live on less than $1 per day. I found myself coming down with sinus stuff last night and this morning I really wanted a vente Chai from Starbucks on my way into work, but I couldn't bring myself to plunk down more than a day's wages for 4 Haitians simply for a cup of tea. It didn't seem right. So I drove right on by.

I am at total peace about going and little concerned about my crackling voice and sore throat. I want to be a light in a dark world and make sure that all my deeds have a seed of eternity in them.

I am thankful for my salvation more and more every day and want everyone in the darkest places in this world to understand the unspeakable joy that comes from personally knowing Jesus.

Lord, please use me!

Devotion without Interruption

I have been reading the biography of Amy Carmichael. It's been a great way to bring in the new year. She had an extraordinarily intimate relationship with God that is so inspiring to me. Her deep and abiding connection to the King was not because she was a missionary or spent 53 years in India or saved hundreds of orphans. She served her whole life with a single-minded devotion to Jesus. That is how she developed a relationship that I long for. And that is my prayer as the 2010 gets underway.

This past week started out great. Then on Thursday, I was opening the mail and my heart sank with something that arrived. I looked up with devastation and said, "What do You want me to do with this?" I folded the letter, laid it in my bedroom and began to pray...I prayed all day until I began to feel guidance on how to react to the surprise in the mailbox. Later that evening, I took a punch to gut on an unrelated matter and have been continuing to pray through that as well.

My weeks are often filled with great joy and great challenges...sometimes the latter is overwhelming. And this is what makes me realize that my prayer for complete devotion to Jesus must be my only goal. I do not want to be distracted by what comes my way...I don't want my energies and emotions to get zapped while I focus on other things that are outside of His will for me.

May Amy's prayer be mine..."Lord, do Thou turn me all into love, and all my love into obedience, and let my obedience be without interruption."

Here are a few notable quotes from the book:

1. Whatever might blur the vision God had given her of His work, whatever could distract or deceive or tempt others to seek anything but the Lord Jesus Himself she tried to eliminate.

2. Take your slate to the foot of the cross and add up the figures there.

3. The saddest thing one meets is the nominal Christian.

4. He is burning out the dross, teaching me the meaning of fire, the burnt offering, the death of the self-part of me.

5. Truth once given form becomes imperishable, but let the edges of truth be blurred, and that pure form is very difficult to recover.

6. Nothing is worthwhile if the seed of eternity be not in it.