Balance and Bondage

Oh, my. This past week has been a real mama week...it’s been filled with challenges and good old-fashioned just trying to get it right. Being a single mom to two teenage boys has presented challenges that I’m just not always ready to handle. I have to stop in mid-track and wonder what the proper next step should be. How do I show grace and compassion, yet be firm in my resolve? How do I get to the root of the issue without sounding like a lecturer or interrogator? I’m getting better, but only by the grace of God.

Derek and I have been going at it. He is having trouble transitioning from being in the military to coming home under mom’s roof. I understand. I get it. I know that he wants to spread his wings, have some freedom and be his own man…and he is a man. But and there’s always a but. He must understand there has to be mutual respect. He makes good decisions and has a big heart, but oftentimes takes his frustrations out on me. This causes fights and hurts and low moments between us. So I learn that it’s about balance...balance in my approach and balance by backing off.

But here’s the rub. This past week, as tough as it’s been, is a whole lot less about friction between my firstborn and me and almost all about the faithful, guiding hand of my Master. Each time I ran into conflict, I prayed my way through it and went to God’s Word. He always revealed Himself to me in very real terms. On two occasions, there were epiphanies that either completely changed my course of action or gave me a clearer understanding of where Derek was coming from. I’m learning as fully as I’ve ever known in my life that there is no situation or circumstance where God cannot be intimately involved and transform it to greater heights.

There are still dark moments and tears from a mama who puts so much of her energy and prayer life into her boys, but as one of my favorite hymns goes…”I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.” Jesus couldn’t be more real to me if He were sitting next to me at the dinner table. Being a single mom and a widow keeps me so very reliant on Him for every breath as well as my very next step.

Several weeks ago, in a Beth Moore study, she mentioned being in bondage. I really camped on that for weeks. I took an inventory of my life to see where I held on to something or someone so closely that it interfered with my relationship to God. I really didn’t like the word bondage when Beth first used it. It seemed too ugly for my taste, but as I rested and prayed in this area, I found it was exactly the proper word to use and was also evident in my life. And I hated that it was. This past week, God showed me that I was actually in bondage to my firstborn. I held him so closely in my thoughts that I wasn’t allowing God to do the work He needed to do. Thankfully the “eyes of my heart” have been opened as only God can do. It makes my job so much easier to parent in conjunction with and not in front of God. That is always my intent, but not always my outcome. I’m thankful this day more than ever for God’s patience with me.

Don't Make Me Get Your Daddy

Jim is still very much a part of our lives. He may be in heaven, but he left behind his DNA in two sons and memories of his character that won’t be forgotten anytime soon. We joke about him and pull him into conversations quite often. He may not be here physically, but the laughter and joy that we get from making references to him makes him feel so real to us.

Derek and I were having particular fun this week. Often times, I will say jokingly when I know I need a little extra kick behind my statement, “Oh, don’t make me bring your daddy into this.” I said that last night to Derek as we were having some fun about something Derek said to me. Derek began to poke fun at me and I was pretending to be quite insulted and told him I was keeping a list because “there were a ton of things I needed to tell his daddy when I see him again.” Derek and I went back and forth with this for a quite while. He would say something and I would pretend to add it to my list. Even this morning, Derek called and kept the joke going…he said something and then finished my sentence for me...”Go ahead and add that to your list.” It was quite funny.

I always try to live with one foot in eternity and even jokes about their daddy help in this regard. It helps us as a family to remember that we will be reunited again one day and that heaven is a place not that far away. It is real and should be very present in our life. I still miss Jim deeply. However, I couldn’t be happier in the way God has allowed us to grieve in a healthy way and a way that keeps our perspective. I’m thankful for laughter and a fun-loving appreciation for Jim.

Starbucks and Donuts

There are many things I pray for very fervently. One of them is that I will continue to bond in a unique way with my 2 precious boys since they no longer have their daddy. God was kind enough to show me early on after Jim's death that I couldn't be everything to them. I knew I would need to invite others along our journey to help in the process. I am so incredibly grateful all that God has done on our behalf.

I believe He has answered my prayers, but I still must work hard at the relationship. Teenage boys are a unique breed. They like to be with their old mama one minute and the next really just want their space. I respect that. I've learned I must meet them where they are to keep the relationship fresh and engaging. A friend of mine recently said that you must listen to them and be there even if they say things that surprise you and make you want to kinda freak out. If I don't listen, they'll go to someone who will.

I also must do things that they love to do. I still wax nostalgia for running in the park, going to the zoo and biking. But they are on to other things. Not long ago I heard a story of a little kid who asked his very busy mom how much she made an hour. When she told him, he left the room and came back with that exact amount. "Can I buy an hour of your time?" I hope I'm never to busy for my boys. But I do buy their time on occasion. It's part of meeting them where they are.

We all love mocha's at Starbucks, so sometimes late on a Friday or when I think we haven't been together as a family enough, I offer to drive them to get coffee together. They almost always say yes. A couple of Saturdays ago, we met at 2 in the afternoon to eat a dozen donuts and have coffee. I know that sounds weird, but it's what they love to do. And I love to be with them!

So I press on to stay as involved as they'll let me without being overbearing. And oftentimes, I gather us together on common turf so we can hang and have good dialogue. They think their mom is just silly and spontaneous. That is true, but more than anything, I'm intentional about how much I want to be intimately involved in their life.

I'll never stop praying for God to give me wisdom and to just give me opportunities to hang with them. He is good and faithful in this regard.

Eternal Habits

I have some habits I need to break. The closer I draw to God, the more He reveals things that may seem like “little sins,” but they’re not. The consequences might not be as great as other “big sins,” but they all fall into the sin category to our holy God.

But other habits are good ones. As God weans me off of some, He moves me to develop new ones and these always have Him at the center. These habits bring endless joy. These habits are eternal.

Lately, I’ve had a few things happen that on the surface would appear disappointing or just not what I wanted. One example involves my oldest son. Derek came back from boot camp too late to start a fall semester in college so he is registered and ready to go for January. It appeared God was generous enough to drop 2 jobs right in his lap for the time until he started school. He was thrilled. However, the most important of the 2 jobs has fallen through, so he has time on his hands that he wasn’t expecting. I was disappointed for him.

However, God had something else in mind. Because of his down time, he has been around the house more than ever. He and his brother do a ton of stuff together and have grown very close. He and I have also had so much time together. I see him each day at lunch; he calls me many times during the day; and we’ve had wonderful conversation...good, healthy, deep dialogue. Several evenings over the past couple of weeks, my 18 and 15 year old boys actually dragged out board games for us to play. I am fully aware that this will not last for long, so I soak it all in with a grateful heart.

But…if I wasn’t in the habit of looking for God at work in disappointment, I would have missed all that He was doing. I could have gone to Him questioning why he took away a job; instead I’m praising Him for glorious family bonding time. Derek and I couldn’t be getting along better. I am thankful for God's ordination in our family and how He guides me to toward revelation in how He works.

So I’m gonna keep honing the habit of looking up when I’m down and finding God’s magnificence displayed in every single situation. Habakkuk 3:18 says, “Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”