Freedom in Forgiveness

Sometimes life is heavy. Sometimes the collision of emotions and events sends me to my knees in a New York minute. But that’s okay. It’s a good place to be. But sometimes, I let the devil get a foothold. Sometimes I allow him to manipulate me into reacting and doing things that are otherwise ungodly and very unhealthy. And it’s even worse when the person on the receiving end is someone I dearly love. That happened last week.

So what did I do when I sinned? If just my thinking is unwholesome in any way, it hasn’t hurt anyone. I get into God’s Word and have Him straighten me out before my thoughts go to my heart and my heart to my lips. He’s very good about teaching me and convicting me. However, when I allow mental manipulation to manifest itself toward someone else, I must take complete responsibility. And that’s what I did.

I went humbly before the person I hurt and gave a very honest admission of why I did what I did and then asked for forgiveness. It is very scary to lay yourself out like that because there is always the chance someone you love will think less of you and reject your pleas for forgiveness. Thankfully, that’s not what happened. The person graciously accepted not only my apology, but accepted me for who I am...pitifully broken at times.

As I went before God to ask for forgiveness as well, I poured out before Him all that was inside me that contributed to my behavior. It was very freeing and comforting to know that the God I serve has an endless supply of grace for me. I am lucky that there are people in my life who offer me grace, but I know as we live in the flesh, it’s not endless like God’s. So I must learn and correct as a part of repentance...truly turning away from the sin that so easily entangles. That I intend to do.

I know when I’ve personally forgiven someone, which I also did recently, that too is very freeing. You know longer are help captive by this person regardless of how small the issue may appear to be. Your world is no longer colored by your sin of an unforgiving nature. Oh, what a wonderful spiritual gift to give and receive forgiveness.

Micah 7:18 “Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.”

Extraordinarily Ordinary

Sometimes life seems ordinary. I follow a fairly regular routine each day taking Zach to school, working, and doing the normal evening activities. This past week was just one of those weeks. I did the same stuff I do every day and every week. Normally that's fine with me. I like regular. I like routine.

But in the midst of ordinary, God was extraordinary. He allowed me to have some wonderfully deep and insightful conversations; He guided me to a couple major decisions; He convicted me and then encouraged me to act on that which He taught; He brought on a few more challenges. He did all of this in one ordinary week.

Sometimes I feel a deep itch to step way outside myself. To do something really radical and leave ordinary. But then I remember that God has me right where He wants me. I try to move at His speed and according to His timetable. I have a habit of wanting to move when I feel like it or just because...that usually doesn't work out so well though. I find my most extraordinary moments are the ones totally ordained and in sync with God.

As I'm typing this, I had to pause for a quite a bit. I had a wonderful conversation with Derek. I was telling him about something that was bothering me deeply. It wasn't even about him, but he got it. Through tears and discussion, I found him most helpful and attentive. We saw eye to eye and it was a very precious moment for me to see the maturity in his thought process. I so love both my boys and being with them. Tonight I got one more taste of the incredible man my firstborn is becoming.

I'm thankful for my ordinary life and my extraordinary God!

Hitting Hebrews

I spent a lot of time in Hebrews this week, particularly chapters 10-12. I was working through an issue that required me to be humble and just let some things go. I was okay with this. However, there was something bigger at play and God took me to Hebrews to show me what it was. Being meek does not mean being weak.

God showed me in Hebrews 10:23 that I am to "hold unswervingly" to my faith; to be confident in verse 35; to persevere in verse 36 and not to shrink back in verse 39. As I moved on to chapters 11 and 12, God reminded me to stay fixed on Him no matter what and that He has something much better planned for me than my current circumstances. As I finished up, I camped on 12:29..."for our God is a consuming fire." Yes, He is!

So I immediately applied what God showed me by acting firmly and boldly in my faith regardless of the outcome. I was so very thankful that God took me past my desire to just be humble and brought me to the point of realizing that there is never ever a reason not to stand up for my Jesus and the Biblical principles under which He requires that I operate.

I have tremendous peace regarding the issue I was dealing with this past week. And I am breathing sweeter air as a result of God's loving guidance.

Spontaneous Combustion

This past week has been a pure delight. There were so many wonderful moments with my Savior that made me smile and kept me dancing. The week started with a difficult issue, but God quickly used it to reveal Himself to me once again. He is so faithful in that regard. And every single time, I wait and wonder. He shows up and I could kick myself for ever doubting. Then I want to shout with joy from the mountaintop, because I saw Him once again in His glory and majesty right next to me.

But the best part of my week came in those small acts of obedience I talk about so often. God called me very spontaneously on quite a few occasions in the course of 7 days to do something for Him. Sometimes it involved time, a call, money or some form of service. They were all small things, but I was called very abruptly to do all of them. It wasn't until the end of the week that I put them all together and realized how often God had called upon me. And the best part was that I responded. I don't always get it right...this week I happened to be listening.

By the time I strung the acts of kindness together, I thought I was going to pop. I felt so full. I was thanking God that He was present enough in my life to ask me to use what He had given me. In my Esther Bible study this week, I was in the 4th chapter with the most famous verse of the book..."And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" (v 14) I thought...I am called to a purpose in whatever position I find myself, but it's most often to affect one life at a time, one day at a time...a random act with eternal rewards. I hope God sees fit to use me more and more until I explode in spontaneous combustion.

Jesus Freak

I recently finished the book Shadow of the Almighty. It was a biography about Jim Elliot written by his wife Elizabeth. The bulk of the book was a reflection of Jim through his letters and journals. It was truly one of the most profound books I’ve ever read. And I read a lot. I am wholly convinced of God’s ordination in even the most ordinary parts of my life. So when He brings a book to me that affects me so deeply, I know there must be a lesson there for me.

Jim was the ultimate Jesus freak! I aspire to have his kind of faith. His life was a testament of living completely and passionately sold out to Christ, so that nothing distracted him from his purpose or competed with his energies to fulfill what God had in mind for him. Jim felt very called to go to Ecuador and bring the gospel message to the Auca Indians…they were a very savage and primitive tribe. Jim died a martyr’s death on the river bank at the hands of the very people that he cared for so deeply.

Oftentimes, as I read Jim’s reflections on how God was moving in his life and the struggles that he faced, I would find myself actually groaning out loud in delight due to the depth of his words. He lived a life of complete obedience and said, “Obedience is the test of whether we really live “in God” or not.” He wanted to keep his heart fixed on Jesus and said that we must, “Walk as if the next step would carry you across the threshold of heaven.”

He realized more fully than anything else that he was nothing without Christ and his life was not his to live. One night as he stood under the beautiful sky, he looked up and said, “Oh, the fullness, pleasure, sheer excitement of knowing God on earth. I care not if I ever raise my voice again for Him, if only I may love Him, please Him.” And one morning at a later date he wrote, “So father with happy committal I give you my life again this morning—not for anything special, simply to let you know that I regard it as yours.”

Jim’s life inspired me in a way that will be with me forever. I long to live with the faith that allows unbridled devotion to my Savior and with an energy that can’t be depleted by earthly woes. I hope to find my delight completely and fully in Christ. As Jim said, “It does not say (in the Bible) He will give you what you want. It does say He will give you "the want." Delight in Christ brings desire for Christ.”

God's Soldier

Derek is back home! He spent all summer at Ft. Benning, GA in Basic training. On Friday, he graduated as an Infantryman. I am so very proud of him. I'm proud that he felt called by God to serve his country when there is almost no military background on my side or Jim's side of the family. I'm proud because he never quit, never wanted to give up and never stopped doing his best while he was down there. He is truly my hero!

But most of all I'm proud because he loves Jesus! While he was at Basic, he found time to read over 12 books of the Bible. When no one was around to push him to stay in God's Word, he still did. When his days were long and tiring, he still found time to read. When he was homesick, he still read. When he was pumped and building relationships, he read some more. He posted the scripture cards I sent to him on the inside of his locker and stayed focused on his faith. He gets it.

As I released my son for the summer and turned him over to God, God showed up. He proved over and over that He can take better care of my son than I can and He can sustain and encourage him when I'm not around. My heart is full. I'm so thankful for God's faithfulness and that Derek's foundation is solid. I delight in God's Word and want the same for my boys. It seems my prayer has been answered.

Both my boys are home and we are enjoying the same fun things we always did...picking on each other, goofing off and just hanging out. I am thrilled to be reunited as a family again and know that God will continue to be the center of our lives. He is our Father and Husband and guides all that we do. I remain confident in His plan for us individually and as a family unit.

May God bless our family; and God bless America!

The Language of Love

Last weekend, Zach and I had a great time at a family camp in Springhill with dear friends. It is three days filled with swimming, zip lining, biking and worshipping. It’s fabulous! During one of the worship sessions, we talked about the five languages of love: Physical touch, Words of affirmation, Gifts, Acts of service, and Quality time. We were to gather as a family and reveal which of these languages we most used to express our love and therefore how we like to have others show us love. I express love mostly in words of affirmation and service, but like to receive expressions of love in words of affirmation and quality time. Zach’s was clearly gifts.

So this week I decided to show him some love. When I picked him up from school on Tuesday, I had a little bag with three of his favorite candies inside. On the outside, I wrote “I want to show my baby some love in the language he understands. I love you, mom!” He smiled really big as he opened the bag, “This is great, mom.” The next day I put his favorite beverage in the same little bag. He opened it and groaned in pleasure as he took a long sip. “I’m so glad we went to Springhill.” He said in a deep throaty voice. He was so pleased. On day 3, I had another one of his favorite drinks. At that point, he couldn’t even voice his joy. He panted and whispered in an almost inaudible voice as he reached for the bag. “I adore you, mom.” On Friday, I had a movie waiting for him that we had just talked about. He was delighted!

I spent almost $15 on gifts for my baby this week, but his reactions and joy was truly priceless. It was so much fun. I wanted him to know that I listened to him and understood what makes him tick. Christmas is by far his favorite time of year. He begins talking about the gifts he wants in September. But he also begins thinking early about what gifts he’s gonna give as well. I’ll have to work on him a bit, though, on giving me love in my language. On one of the days, after he was obviously elated, I just looked at him and said, “So…???” He looked at me and said, “I guess you want some words of affirmation?” I paused and waited. He, then, said without missing a beat, “I’ll let your friends do that.”

Grave Sites, New Daddies & Adoption...

Zach and I have really good, deep conversations sometimes. And those are great! But often I find out his thoughts in random ways. He makes a comment that seems a little silly at the time, but reflects what’s on his mind. He tells me I’m the queen of random, since I will often just say something that is totally off track from the conversation at hand—I must accept the moniker he has bestowed on me since it’s so true. We are far too much alike.

This morning on our way to school, Zach asked where he’ll be buried when he dies. So we discussed that my spot has already been paid for. I’ll be cremated and in the same plot as daddy. I told him I’d love to have him and Derek near us, but that was their decision. However, at the end of the day it didn’t really matter where we were buried on earth, because we’d all end up together in heaven. That seemed to satisfy him.

Then the conversation went on about the potential of a future husband for me. He continued to emphatically state his opposition to this as quite frankly not even an option up for discussion. I told him that I was not seeking, but if God put someone in the path of our family than I could guarantee he would be happy with God’s plan. He wasn’t picking up what I was laying down, but acquiesced for the moment…that was progress in and of itself.

The conversation took one more turn and he began to talk about adoption. I told him I did not feel a calling in this area. He said he thought it would really be cool to have a black brother or two right around his age. He wanted to know all about the process. Do we get to pick their age? How do the adoption agencies match them to us? And on and on he went. He wanted to know if I’d send them to Covenant or Danville schools and began to talk as if it were in the works. Then he ended the conversation as we approached his school saying, “Wow, we could really surprise Derek when he gets home.”

I smiled as he closed the car door with his backpack strapped on. It was great conversation with my precious 15-year old that I could have missed if I dismissed his initial comment as just too random for my attention. I read a book a while back that addressed this very thing—taking all these seemingly sporadic moments as golden opportunities with your child. God moves in their minds and hearts differently than He moves in ours…I don’t want to ever miss what’s He’s doing in their lives.

But I did miss one a while back. We got back from a mission trip in late July and had the joy of getting to know a family of 7 that went on the trip with us. On the way home, Zach said, “You know mom, all our friends have big families. We don’t. We don’t even seem like a family, but just two people living together.” I smile when I now repeat it and it’s become a bit of a tag line, but there may have been something deeper there that I missed altogether. I’ll get back to you on that one…I need to pick that back up with Zach at a later date.

Phone Calls and Football

God’s been challenging me in a lot of ways lately, but He is also very kind to fill me up with sweet pleasures out of the blue. This past Friday, I missed a call from Derek and was so sad since I haven’t talked to him since we were there to visit. But last evening my phone vibrated during devotions at small group. I looked down to see it was an incoming call from Georgia. My heart skipped a beat; I was so excited. I felt pure delight as we talked and even after I hung up. I know there was an afterglow on my face. It made my whole day.

And earlier that day, I was watching Zach play in the back yard with a few friends. I could just see him from afar and tell that he was in pure heaven hanging out and playing with his great friends. I was thanking God for the gift of life and for bringing boys along side Zach that bring him so much joy. I was delighting in God and all that He is to our family.

I want to hold on to that delight as I head into the week. Zach loves sports and loves me to pitch football to him. He begs me to play almost every evening after dinner. He will even start on the way home from school, “Think we can play football tonight, mom?” I always say something along the same lines… “Probably, let’s see.” I find I love to play with him and very thankful that my 15-year old still enjoys sports with me, but sometimes I’m just tired and want to chill with a book. So I answer slightly in the affirmative with wiggle room to let me off the hook if I so choose.

Yesterday as I was visiting with a neighbor, she said that she saw Zach and me in the backyard the other evening. She said watching me, as his mother, throw the football to him brought tears to her eyes. That touched me. I never thought that a simple act of playing sports with my second born could affect someone else.

I thought last night and this morning that those precious opportunities that God gives me with my boys, friends, or a neighbor should never be wasted. As a matter of fact, God had told me that a few days ago when He gave me this Scripture - Ephesians 5:15-16 “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”

Living Water

I've been camping on John 7:38 for the last two days. "Whoever believes in me, as the scriptures has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." I was was intrigued with the idea of streams of water flowing. I was thinking yesterday what that really looks like for me when I wake up each morning.

If "Jesus is the well that won't run dry. Jesus is the drink that satisfies" as we sang in church this morning, then how is that expressed in my everyday life. If I believe it (and I do), then what am I doing and how am I living that creates a desire in others to have that same living water flow inside them? I meditated on that Friday night and all day yesterday.

Today at church as we studied out of the 18th chapter of 1 Kings where God showed up mightily in a rain of fire on the alter to prove He was the one and only God, I wrote the question: What is my Baal? I thought...what is my false god...what interferes in my relationship with Jesus Christ that forces the living water inside me to go from a stream to a trickle?

God clearly brought two things to my head and heart. Both are intangibles. One is a character flaw that must be stomped on and disposed of once and for all and the other is actually something I thought brought me closer to Him, but in fact, has recently been drawing me away. I never realized that until today. Both will not disappear without a great deal of prayer and meditation, but I am convinced on the other side, there is a new Germaine just waiting.

I was thinking what I would look like with both of these issues gone from my life forever. The thought is captivating. Wow! How deep I could go with my Savior? I can't wait to find out. In the meantime for those of you who read my blog, please pray for me. It is going to be a very, very tough road for me to let go of things I been living with for years and years. But I am determined with my God to have beautiful streams of water flowing within me and from me for all the world to see.